Chapter 6: Emotion in Families 1 Emotional intelligence Emotion-Coaching Male/Female: Different emotional styles Biological differences Positive/Negative.

Chapter 6:Emotion in Families

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• Emotional intelligence• Emotion-Coaching• Male/Female: Different emotional styles• Biological differences• Positive/Negative affect and marriage• Emotional extremes• The abusive personality•Nurturing healthy emotional connections• Murray Bowen

• Review: Determinants of Emotional Makeup (from previous chapter)

• Three things to examine

• 1. Emotional philosophy– Emotion-dismissing

– Emotion-disapproving

– Laissez-faire

– Emotion-coaching

• 2. Emotional history: love & affection, anger, sadness, & fear.

• 3. Emotional vulnerabilities: loss, betrayal, mistreatment, abuse, trauma – creates sensitivities

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Emotions

• Can a couple create a healthy emotional climate?

• Success depends on how couples handle the emotional part of their lives.

• Can they be emotionally __________?

• What is emotional intelligence?

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Emotional Intelligence

• Has __________________. Can monitor feelings, knowing from moment to moment their emotional experience

• Deals with emotions in _________ ways – ways that are _____________________

• Uses emotions as ________________• Reads the emotions of others. Is sensitive to

other’s feelings, shows _______• Knows how to manage emotions so relationships

_______

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• Why is it so difficult to manage emotions in the home?

• 1. Strong feelings• 2. Close proximity• 3. Husband/wife differences• 4. Parent/child differences• 5. Lack of _______ / poor

training/unhealthy childhood experiences • Some parents are emotion coaches.

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Are aware of child’s ________. Empathize with child’s feelings even in low intensity sit.

Times of emotional expression- opportunities for __________________

Sensitively _____ to child’s emotional expression and are __________

Help child find appropriate words for _______ emotions

Help child ______________ and ____________

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Male/Female Different Emotional Styles• By 2nd grade boys/girls play apart• Boys – aggressive games• Girls: quieter games, intimacy/talk important• Boys: disagreements don’t stop game.• Girls: interact, share feelings & intimate

experience • Disagreements - game may stop• Girl hurt – friends give support

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• Girls: • Share feelings and intimate experiences• Boys suppress emotions• Girls – better at expressing feelings and

navigating emotional waters• Males see emotional expression as weakness.

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Biological Differences

• ______ more difficulty recovering from highly emotional experiences

• _______ recover more quickly, perhaps cry or talk things out

• Research: __________ heart rate and blood pressure elevate more quickly, rise higher, and stay elevated longer in response to marital conflict

• Leads to ____________________________• Wife’s response …• Difference may originate in autonomic NS

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Positive/Negative Affect (Emotion) in Marriage• Concept of steady state/thermostat• the __ to __ ratio in healthy conflict discussion• Unhealthy marriages - ratio more like __ to __• Remember: Couples gravitate to their

__________• What influences where thermostat is set? It is…• what partners bring to interaction –sometimes this

is called ________.

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What partners bring …• Feelings/memories relating to ______________ with

spouse (+/-)• Feelings/thoughts/learnings originating in other past

experiences- not marriage related: childhood, work, etc.• How interaction will go depends on… • what each spouse brings to the interaction• Partners headed for divorce …bring• more ________ affect to interactions• Stable couples influence toward ________• Unstable couples influence toward _________• Escalation of negativity (Gottmann)

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Other differences between stable/unstable couples . . .

• Stable couples: hear and respond positively to _____________. Correct the imbalance

• Unstable couples did neither. Although they too made repair attempts

• What determined whether repair attempts were successful?

• What partners _______ to the interaction• If they brought strong, marital _________ and

______ repair worked.12

Apathetic Marriages: When Emotions Go Dead

• Absence of positive affect - emotionally dead• Suppressed negativity that hides tension and

sadness• Do not even seem to be friends• Lead parallel lives• No attempt to soothe each other• Don’t feel entitled to their complaints• Determined to adapt• Why stay together?

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Violent Marriages: Emotions Out of Control/Domestic Violence

• Jacobson and Gottman’s research . . .• The cobras and the pit bulls• Cobras in conflict discussion – immediate _____ but

lowered _________, hostile/violent in other settings, encouraged partner’s ____________, shunned _______

• Pit bulls: ________ anger and heart rate increased; insecure, jealous, isolate & attempt to control wives

• Both types refused to be _________ by their wives &• wives could not easily predict when abuse would occur.

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The Abusive Personality• Three types of batterers (Dutton)1. The over-_________ abuser2. The psychopathic abuser (cobras)3. The cyclical/emotionally volatile abuser (pit bulls)

• 3 cyclical phases for c/e. v. abuser (Walker)1. Tension-_______ phase – aversive arousal-the ____

tape, projects _____ on wife- her fault2. Acute battering phase – goal to terrify and humiliate,

wife is __________, release of pent up tension is pleasurable, ________, p. 178

3. Contrition phase – often seek to _____; wife now referred to as wonderful - ________ figure

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Characteristics of c/e.v. …• Symptoms: _____ – sleep disturbances, depression, anxiety,

hypersensitive, numbing to past• Dutton research about home background:1. Cold, harsh, abusive, violent father who _______ child –

belittling, attacking a person for being a person2. Mother not providing nurturance for secure _________3. Direct experience of emotional and physical abuse in the home

• A Word of Caution, p.182• Abusers could not _____________ (a.i.) from wives; must be

in control. Gottman wondered:• In non-violent marriages is inability to a. i. by husbands

predictive of divorce? • Finding: refusal to a. i. & escalating negativity by husbands

greatly increased likelihood of divorce.16

Nurturing a Healthy Emotional Connection

• The bid – an attempt to connect __________ with your partner

• Ways of responding to bids:1. Turning ______ partner/positive response to bid

2. Turning _______ partner/sarcastic, hostile, derogatory

3. Turning _____ from partner/ ignore, being preoccupied

• Behaviors that build emotional connections:1. Positive attention rather than inattention

2. Soft ______ rather than harsh startup, ( p.186)

3. Complaints rather than ________, (p. 186)

4. Take a break when flooding occurs

5. Be positive—look for good

6. Don’t avoid certain conversations 17

Other Advise1. Understand personality in relation to

emotions/Panksepp-emotional command centers: C-in-C, Nest-builder, Sensualist

2. Understand how past influences present

3. Learn communication skills

4. Discover dreams and find shared meanings in rituals (we-ness).

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Bowen Theory

• Murray Bowen • Two opposing and powerful forces: The push toward ________ (to be separate) The push to be _________________________ Differentiation: 1) to develop a healthy individual

____, separate from others and 2) an ability to separate intellect from _______.

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• Able to separate intellect from emotion

• Able to pull back in emotional situations and use intellect

• Have strong sense of identity and a solid self - secure

• Can become emotional but does so by choice

• Easily overwhelmed by their emotional system

• Emotions take over

• Cannot differentiate intellect from emotion

• Trouble differentiating themselves from others - insecure

• Intrusive and overbearing in close relationships

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High Differentiation High Fusion

Note: Differentiation relates to a person’s ability to

Separate intellect from emotion

Develop an individual self separate from others.

• Distinction between basic fusion/differiation and functional f/d

• Basic f/d –____-term, ability to break away (differentiate) from _____________

• Functional f/d – is _______ specific and _____ term; emotions dominate (out of control emotionally)

• What is your basic level of f/d?

• What is your functional level of f/d?.21

The Family - an Emotional System

• Emotional tone: Positive/negative: healthy/unhealthy

• If emotional tone unhealthy – child has trouble differentiating a solid self

• Bowen: members get ______ into the family’s emotional system like a magnetic field

• Multigenerational transmission principle

• What creates emotional tone? Examples.

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1. One person wants to control 2. Someone in family is hostile,aggressive 3. Unhealthy family rules 4. The Brice family - it just happens,

perhaps because of the tension in spousal relationship and inappropriate rules

• Remember, positive ET –healthy outcomes; negative ET – unhealthy outcomes

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Separateness and Togetherness in Couple Relationships

• How similar are partners in desire for separateness/togetherness?

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Togetherness

Fusion

Separateness

Differentiation

Individuation

Continuum

Disharmony in Separate/Togetherness

1) One partner accommodates to relieve ______ and preserve harmony

2) Both partners may resist ___________ - live in conflictual relationship

3) Partners may _______ emotionally, disengage 4) Both partners may __________ Each of these may have limitations,• leading to frustration, resentment, emotional

distance, even more tension• Chronic anxiety –

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• Uneasiness exists for long periods of time

• Like termites eating away at the structure of a house

• Principle: When chronic anxiety exists, family members struggle to _____

• One way of adapting - the ________ triangle (triangling).

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• Triangle - created when two parts of a family system are in ______

and they focus on something else (triangle in) as a way of gaining ________________ problem

• What can be triangled in?

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Friedman’s Laws of Emotional Triangles

1. A conflictual relationship is kept in balance by the way a third party relates to the two person dyad

2. If one is the third party, it is usually not possible to bring about constructive change in the relationship

3. Attempts by the third party to change the conflicted pair are usually not only ineffective, but often make things worse.

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4. When the third party tries to change the other two, he/she ends up with the stress

5. Change is always resisted by homeostatic forces in the system

6. One side of the triangle is always more conflictual than the other

7. We can only change relationships to which we belong.

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Some Suggestions Regarding Triangles and Fusion

• Find ways to avoid chronic anxiety by dealing with long term resentments,anger

• Deal with unfinished business

• Ask: Do rules need to be changed?

• Avoid triangling if possible

• If you are not fairly well differentiated get help in dealing with insecurities and with the development of a strong sense of self.

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