CG21 - March2009

TheCheeseGraterThe Other Student Magazine of University College London Union

No. 21March 2009

A Sabb State Of Affairs...

THIS MONTH

Dash for honoursThe annual Union Col-ours giveaway p.3

What [th] fuck?Subliminal advertising on UCL computers p.4

The hitchhiker’s guide to...UCLMalcolm Grant takes on the universe p.5

The plight of the PGTACollege are systemati-cally exploiting Teaching Assistants p.7

A spring in your stepThe lesser known effects of daisy picking p.8

The return of democrazy™ - see inside pages 2 & 3

HLMs all round!

I second that!

Spiffing job this year, eh

guys?

2 TheCheeseGrater March 2009

Down Your Union

Ancient Greek Myths for the 21st Century by Sam Steddios

At last! The golden fleece! Forty fucking quid?!Glow!

Shimm

er!

WHEN IT COMES TO democracy, the principle upon which our Union claims to work, why do UCLU always get it so wrong? After an inquorate Welcome General Meeting, this years’ Sabb team were deter-mined that the postponed AGM on 27 February would be well at-tended. So determined, that Stu-dent Activities Officer Jen Cur-rigan made the unconstitutional demand that two members from all societies must show up or face ‘disciplinary action’.

Be careful what you wish for Currigan! On the day of the meeting, half an hour before it was due to begin, hundreds of students were already filling Gordon Street, huddled on the cramped pavement as they wait-ed to be let into the Bloomsbury Theatre. One student who claimed to have no interest in the AGM and was only there to represent his society, described the organisation as “an abso-lute shambles.” The Sabbs did as good a job of keeping things under control as headless chick-ens trying to herd elephants in heat. Students waited over forty minutes to be let into the theatre and even then over 300 were de-nied entry when the Bloomsbury reached capacity according to fire regulations.

The timing of the AGM, a Friday afternoon, was pre-

dictably controversial despite a guillotine being imposed on all motions after 4:30 pm (see Cheese Grater issue 20). Jewish and Islamic students felt particu-larly compromised as they had to leave early due to religious obli-gations – limiting their ability to vote on the motion proposed to the AGM to condemn Israel’s at-tacks on Gaza. With the motion placed far down on the agenda, voting barely scraped in before the guillotine and some students had already begun to leave.

Before the meeting was over, students who had been turned away were already col-lecting signatures in support of a petition calling for a referen-dum on all motions held in the meeting. A subsequent motion to Union Council on 3 March for an open referendum claimed the AGM was in breach of the Union Constitution which states that “members who are registered students of UCL shall be entitled to participate in Union General Meetings”.

At Council, one Sabb claimed that a referendum would be less democratic than an AGM,

an odd notion since a referen-dum would allow every UCLU student the opportunity to vote, regardless of fire regulations. The motion was rejected, how-ever Council did vote to hold a referendum entitled: “should your Union refrain from making a statement that condemns or supports either side of the Israel/Gaza conflict?”

Three open meetings were held before voting on the ref-erendum opened but they were poorly attended, and at least one had to be abandoned. More ac-tive have been the various “Vote Yes” and “Vote No” groups on Facebook with debate getting very heated indeed. One espe-cially vocal student is currently facing a disciplinary hearing with the Dean of Students for sending round the inflammatory group message, “fuck the Zion-ists!” Nice to see outdated racial prejudices are alive and well at UCL – Bentham would have been proud. The results of the referendum will be published on 25 March.

An Emergency General Meeting was held on 24 March, primarily as a means of ratify-ing the new UCLU constitution voted on at the AGM. In fairness to the Sabbs, the organisation of the EGM was a vast improve-

ment and there was no repeat of the chaotic scenes witnessed at the AGM. Although the lack of controversial motions ensured a much lower turn out of stu-dents.

The new constitution will enable UCLU to become an in-dependent registered charity, something all student unions will eventually be forced to under changing Charity Commission law. In response to a question about the timing of the new con-stitution, Finance and Democ-racy Officer Nate Macdonald replied, “this needs to happen this year or we’re pretty much screwed!”

Under the new constitu-tion, the trustees of the Union, who will hold ultimate execu-tive power, will consist of six elected students, six Sabbs, and five trustees made up of two staff members, two alumni and one loosely termed “professional”. The Cheese Grater has warned of the consequences of appoint-ing non-student trustees in the past, particularly with regards to their accountability to the Un-ion (see Cheese Grater ad nau-seam). The non-student trustees will be extensively protected by the new constitution - the only way they can be removed by the student body is through a refer-endum with 20% quoracy. This is meant to provide a degree of stability to the board of trustees but in reality will lead to an un-even distribution of authority. As student trustees will be newly elected each year it’s not hard to predict who will end up running the show.

A new constitution may be inevitable, but it might not be implemented as swiftly as the

One AGM, a referendum and an EGM later: is UCLU any closer to getting a grasp on democracy?

“We need a new consti-tution this year or we’re pretty much screwed!”

Anti-semitism

New constitution

Absolute shambles

Tricky components

“Members who are registered students of UCL shall be entitled to participate in Union General Meetings.””

March 2009 TheCheeseGrater 3er issue 19). The campaign will be two-pronged, firstly demand-ing to know College’s true plans for the building, which Street de-scribed as “a dark shadow” over the Union, and secondly, to pre-serve the resources of Huntley Street, even if it means moving them to a different site.

If the latest hearsay is true, College is intending to transform Huntley Street into a profitable research facility, in which case the chances that the medics will get to keep their Union building are pretty slim.

So much for the return of Vodpop. Due to “circumstances beyond the Union’s control” the night due to be held on 23 March (theme - ‘get your kit off ’) had to be cancelled. The uncontrol-lable circumstances? The Union failed to sell enough tickets for the event, and, despite frantic at-tempts to give them away on the day, hundreds were left hanging around the Union like the smell of stale Red Bull.

Mysterious “unforeseen circumstances” were also behind the closure of 25 Gordon Street on 18 March. The reason dis-appointed Sports Nite revellers were turned away? The tons of raw sewage left slithering to-wards the Physics department after all the toilets packed up.

JH

WHEN IT COMES TO Union Colours, it’s the taking part that counts (see CG Social Colours issue 2006). Honorary Life Memberships, supposedly only awarded for astounding contributions to the Union, are doled out to the Sabb team each year, just for doing their job - the one they already get paid £24k a year to do.

When the Union Colours Committee met on 12 March, it was the usual smug round of back-slapping and self-con-gratulation, the Sabb team in-evitably nominating themselves for HLMs. Why each of them thought they deserved the award

was unclear as they hardly had to state their case. With Sabbs and more lowly Union hacks dominating the Union Colours Committee, HLMs are normally awarded without any protests.

In the spirit of things, Fi-nance and Democracy Officer Nate Macdonald spent ages pointlessly reading out the Un-ion’s Standing Orders so the Sabbs could claim a free lunch on Union expenses. Communica-tions and Services Officer Char-lie Clinton was nominated to or-der in pizzas but, after taking too long choosing the toppings, he was eventually no-confidenced by the chair. What japes!

Back-slapper

Taking the pizza

CONGRATULATIONS to Neha Thakrar, the only candi-date to run in the elections for the SSEES Executive Site Com-mittee. During the recent elec-

tions there were seven positions up for grabs on the Executive Committee, including President, Vice-President, Entertainments Officer and Welfare Officer.

Thakrar put up a valiant fight for the position of Vice-President, his only opponent, the ubiquitous RON. His mani-festo promises included bringing greater recognition to SSEES and ensuring it plays a larger role in UCL. Unfortunately these aims are apparently not shared by his fellow SSEES students since no one ran for any of the other six positions.

By default, Thakrar will be supreme leader of an, er…non-existent SSEES Executive.

Elections Bitch

The 80s Are Back!Gok Wan on the IRA revival.

Meanwhile...As the democratic process falters at UCLU, the Sabbs treat themselves to some HLMs... and a free lunch

Vodflop

What a stinker

Sabbs made out at the EGM. UCLU is still technically, albeit absurdly, made up of the Com-ponent UCL Men’s Union Soci-ety and the UCL Women’s Un-ion Society, who joined to form UCLU in 1954. Any changes to the Constitution that may be seen as affecting the rights and privileges of the members of ei-ther Component Union has to be passed at separate meetings of both the Women’s Union and the Men’s Union. This leaves the Sabbs rather nervous, especially as no one has a clue where to find the Standing Orders of ei-ther of the Component Unions! Cue much panicked file shuffling in 25 Gordon Street…

Medical and Postgraduates Officer Billy Street proposed a motion to ‘Save Huntley Street’ by launching a campaign to pre-serve the resources of the med-ics’ bar. Rumours of College’s plans to demolish Huntley Street have been circulating around UCL Medical School for years but no formal action has ever been taken by the Union.

The proposal is a welcome change of heart from Street who, in October, denied that there was any current threat to the Huntley Street bar, despite much evidence to the contrary (see Cheese Grat-

“College’s plans are a dark shadow over Hunt-ley Street.”

4 TheCheeseGrater March 2009

THE RECENT MODO fashion show was sponsored by Japanese brewers, Asahi. In ex-change for free publicity, Asahi donated 500 bottles of beer to the MODO committee, ensur-ing high spirits throughout the show’s preparations.

However, since Pi failed to cover the fashion show at all, and an article in London Student didn’t mention Asahi, the brew-ery are now demanding that MODO pay for the 500 ‘compli-mentary’ beers. Bottoms up!

LIVE MUSIC SOCIETY president Marc Sarazin seems to think ‘society member’ is a eu-phemism for ‘roadie’. Before the Battle of the Bands show, he sent an e-mail round asking members to come early and help set up the event - especially if they wanted to get more involved in the so-ciety at the upcoming AGM - nudge, nudge!

Not that anyone who isn’t part of the ‘inner circle’ of Live Music Society stands a chance of being elected. And participa-tion clearly isn’t really the key to earning Sarazin’s appreciation. At a recent meeting he failed to recognise one of the editors of Under City Lights - the society magazine.

THOSE RUGBY SCAMPS haven’t been in the news much lately, mostly because the usual Sports Nite antics make Society Bitch yawn. However, the taw-dry behaviour reached a new high [surely low? - Ed] recently when one squaddie glassed him-self in the face in what was, pre-sumably, a ‘who-can-glass-them-selves-in-the-face-the-bestest?’ competition. I do hope he won.

Contributors: Joe Pickles, Chris Couch, Will Beaufoy, Christina Ravinet, Jenni Hulse, Sam Steddy, Gareth Spencer, Alex Ashman, Mark Hoffman, George Potts,Thom Rhoades, Adam Gillet, Tom Webb, Alex McKenna, Will Moss.

Society Bitch

Got something big and juicy? E-mail it to [email protected]

printing 8,650 mouse mats for Aldi, and making some nice posters for JP Morgan. You[th] Media’s website boasts that their DCL has around a 1.5% click through rate. However, presum-ably this doesn’t factor in the in-furiated students who, given the lack of an accessible menu, might be clicking in the hope of finding a “shut up and fuck off ” button.

STUDENTS USING newer computer clusters around UCL will have noticed a ‘funky’ new addition to their computer desk-top. The square panel that sits in the top right-hand corner of your screen is called You[th]Wire and dispenses patronising gobbets of wisdom such as: “fags stain your teeth yellow”, and unpro-tected sex can lead to chlamy-dia. Alternating slides reminding us “breathe in, breathe out” are presumably in the pipeline.

You[th] Media are the sup-pliers of this “Desktop Commu-nication Solution”, a company specialising in marketing big business to bewildered students. Annoying gimmicks seem to be You[th] Media’s area of exper-tise. Their other services include

These adverts generate in-come for UCL, however, while reminding students eat five por-tions of fruit and vegetables a day might be a noble cause, ad-verts for Lynx and Burton are an unwelcome distraction when you’re trying to work.

Well fear not - The Cheese Grater can help. Pressing ‘Ctrl+Alt+Delete’ will bring up the computer task manager. Click on the Processes tab, and find YWPlatform.exe. High-light it, and press the ‘End Proc-ess’ button. Ignore the warning about the computer exploding - it won’t. Now you can continue working, safe in the knowledge that, although staring at a com-puter screen for too long might be hard on the eyes, at least it won’t make you dress like Ash-ley Cole.

What [th] Fuck?Bellend Sebastian

You[th]Wire in action

THIS YEAR, UCLU launched The Onion; a publica-tion with many uses – primarily as a coaster for your overpriced cuppa in the Print Room Café. The anticipated yearly cost of The Onion is £6,628. While most of the expense will be sourced from the Union publicity machine, rumours have been circulating that the shortfall (£2,584) will be met by grant cuts to existing UCL media societies. Particularly worried are Pi, who receive by far the largest grant of any stu-dent publication – a whopping £10,000.

You’d think this might serve as a kick up the arse to Pi, whose failures to provide adequate value for money are proverbial among UCL students. Well, ap-parently not, since the last two front-page stories in Pi News-paper have been poorly written,

factually inaccurate and poten-tially libellous. The recent story on the ULU elections showed a complete disinterest in the truth and a willingness to rely on the word of some conspicuously un-named UCLU Sabbs. And it’s not like Pi don’t have the staff. A let-ter from one despairing reader in the latest issue of Pi Newspaper began “please for the love of God, let me proof-read the next issue of your magazine.”

Perhaps the problem lies with the insularity of the Pi edi-torial teams, perfectly demon-strated at their recent AGM. The meeting was chaired by President Chris Blanchard, who in the words of one attendee “seemed pretty out of it”. Maybe some-thing to do with the Kronenburg he was swigging at the time. Be-fore voting began to elect next year’s positions, Blanchard com-

pletely undermined the demo-cratic process by announcing the candidates ‘recommended’ by the current editorial committee. Not that the elections really mat-tered since he then proposed an amendment to the Pi constitution that would allow current editors to reallocate elected positions to those deemed more “deserving” of the role. He claimed that this was “vital to the future of Pi” and that those who voted against the motion (six in total) would be “taken out and shot.”

And all this after Blanchard claimed in his last editorial for Pi Newspaper that he had been “gradually squeezing out a nau-seous culture of ego-driven, narcissistic pseudo-journalism.” Then again, as Blanchard said himself, with two of next year’s Sabb team being ex-Pi editors, they can probably relax.

Who Wants a Slice of Pi?The rumoured cut to Pi’s funding might serve as a much needed kick up the arse ... The Cheese Grater lives in hope.

Front-page flops

Drunk and disorderly

Feeling nauseous

March 2009 TheCheeseGrater 5

under house arrest for 20 years? Well, in Burma, being the leader of the Anti-National Bangladeshi Dress-Up Service is the WORST form of treason.

My friends, it is a fiction, a lie, the biggest con trick ever played. Always ask yourself, have you really ever met anyone from Bangladesh?

hide from the terrible truth I was uncovering, Bangladesh just seems not to exist! Historically, geographically, demographically, nothing made sense. Every time I tried to establish something about the place, I was hit with a wall of excuses and lies. Oh, Bangla-desh, well, that used to be part of Pakistan, oh, Pakistan used to be part of India, oh, but that used to be part of Britain. Britain?! Give me a break. Would it have been possible to come up with a more ridiculous story?

You see, the truth is far more shocking than I could ever have imagined. You know Burma,

UCL - London’s Pan-Galactic University

“Mass poverty, disease, AND every environmen-tal disaster you can list on an A4 photocopied case-study sheet, all in one country?”

Do You Believe in Bangladesh?Top explorer Will Beaufoy-Palin exposes the world’s longest-running humanitarian conspiracy.

Boris was only human, though that was said to be the least of his problems. He was

also the Mayor of London, a role only ever held by those entirely unsuited to power. Unbeknown to him, Boris was in fact a direct descendant of a Bavarian king, though intermixing of genes had left him with little sign of this other than his ridiculous blonde hair and a predilection for unu-sual curse words.

“Cripes,” he said, “are you really going to lie in the mud all day like some sort of picca-ninny?” Fortunately at this point the entire world was destroyed to make way for a Vogon Hyper-Global University Academy, thus saving any further tedium.

Facial hair preened. Kettle on. Mug, teabag, pour, drink, yawn. The word yellow drifted through his mind. The bulldozer in the quad was particularly yel-low. As he drank his Earl Grey, the Provost pondered the nasty headache he seemed to be suffer-ing from. He remembered going to Sports Nite and ranting indig-nantly at anyone who would lis-ten. Something about knocking down UCL. It would never hap-pen – the Mayor didn’t have a leg to stand on. The word yellow entered his mind again, looking for something to connect with.

Fifteen seconds later he was out of the Cloisters and lying in front of a big yellow bulldozer advanc-ing towards the steps of the Por-tico.

It wasn’t the best universi-ty in the world, but Mal-

colm rather liked it. He loved the old grey pillars almost as much as he loved his own self. It there-fore hadn’t really registered with him that the city wanted to

knock it down and build a bypass instead.

Malcolm woke at eight o’clock that Thursday morning, opened a window, saw a bull-dozer and donned his dressing gown. Moustache wax in hand, he noticed that the bathroom mirror was pointing at the ceil-ing. He adjusted it. For a moment it reflected a second bulldozer through the bathroom window.

Narrated by Alex Ashman

“Malcolm loved the old grey pillars almost as much as he loved his own self.”

“Knocking down UCL. It would never happen - the Mayor didn’t have a leg to stand on.”

“Boris was only human, but that was the least of his problems.”

WE ALL KNOW Bangla-desh. Poor, overpopulated Bang-ladesh. Floods, disease, poverty, corruption, and what’s more ris-ing sea levels caused by global warming, caused by me and you, are putting Bangladesh at ever greater risk of being slowly eaten away.

WELL I SAY THAT’S IF IT EVER EXISTED IN THE FIRST PLACE!

I have suspected the non-existence of Bangladesh for some time. Ever since I noticed the suspicious focus on the ‘country’ by geography teachers at school. It almost seemed too perfect. Mass poverty, disease, and every environmental disaster you can list on an A4 photocopied case-study sheet, all in one country?

The further I looked into the subject, the more quizzical I became, eventually I just couldn’t

that similarly suspicious country that is supposed to border Bang-ladesh? The one with ‘informa-tion blackout’, ‘absolute govern-ment control’, ‘repression of free speech’, the one where no one ever goes on holiday? You know why they have all these things?

BECAUSE THE COUNTRY’S PRETENDING TO BE BANG-LADESH!

The fiction of ‘Bangladesh’ is contained entirely within Bur-ma’s borders - it’s a scam coun-try, rolled out for aid workers, television crews and foreign leaders. Burma’s entire economy rests on aid payments to this fic-tional place, enabling the ruling junta to live in luxury while the rest of the population is forced into poverty. All that time spent pretending to be Bangladeshis means there’s no time to grow any food. Do you know why Aung San Suu Kyi has been

Flying the flag for falsification

6 TheCheeseGrater March 2009

The nation has truly lost an icon. Loved, hated, but most of all, famous. I can only hope to provide the best obituary the tab-loids have ever seen, to pay our respects to the man responsible for news classics such as ‘Freddie Starr Ate my Hamster’ (The Sun, 13th March 1986) and clients like Jade ‘The People’s Princess’ Goody and Shilpa ‘Poppadom’ Shetty, as well as Simon Cowell and Mohamed al-Fayed.

Maxwell Frank Clif-ford will be remembered for his sterling work representing the world’s elite, and ensuring proper rewards for their skills and expertise. Max was a great opponent. He had Kerry Katona, I had the Spice Girls. He had Rebecca Loos and I had David Beckham. He charged £10,000 a day, and... well, I created Pop Idol, so up his.

Britain Mourns Death of Starr Simon Fuller

One of the Nation’s best loved public figures tragical-ly snatched away in the prime of life.

Need a Hot Filling?

It was announced today that Carol Thatcher, daughter of former Prime Minister Baron-ess Thatcher, died in the early hours of this morning at Univer-sity College Hospital, after being taken seriously ill last night.

Thatcher, 55, suffered from the excruciating condition Silva Lepus Morbusa - which leads to the fusing of the trachea and the rectum - as well as a rare form of Voluntary Tourettes Syn-drome, which left her unable to distinguish between arcane racist language and everyday modern English.

It is unclear whether any-one has actually paid tribute to Ms Thatcher, who pursued an

Tory Leader’s Child Dead

Boris Pasternak

active career in popular journal-ism, despite her disabilities, and studied Law at UCL, though she recently stated that the only thing she and the British legal system ever had in common was that they had “both fucked Jonathan Aitken.”

She is survived by her fa-ther, Dennis, and by her Golli-wog, Mr Boomba-Poomba.

Arthur Scargill yesterday

He was hailed far and wide, from the illustrious New York Times, to the worst breed of brain-dead rag Piers Morgan could produce. He created and destroyed careers; but his magic was truly that of making money. Well, and creating sleaze. But mostly money.

That man managed to keep Jade Goody in the headlines years after her sell-by date and days before her use-by date, and dutifully took his cut of every single OK magazine fee. His glittering career was tragically cut short by cervical cancer and is a disappointment to all; the headlines will never be the same again. RIP Max!

All of Max’s clients are invited to a finger buffet next Saturday at 19 Entertainment Ltd, where you will be given the Simon Fuller treatment. Champagne on tap.

Max Clifford’s career died peacefully in its sleep last Sunday

£10,000 a day

Dutiful deals

News at a Glance

CENSORED

Call: 020 7383 3937

March 2009 TheCheeseGrater 7

training grade and has a match-ing salary; however, the work-load of a PGTA is decided not by the pay grade but by the require-ments of the department they work for. The cluster of PGTAs in the language departments are particularly susceptible to this. With unpredictable student num-bers some postgrads are left with hardly any work and others with far too much. Meanwhile, some PGTAs are asked to hold semi-nars on subjects outside of their research area. While a break from the usual field of study may be appreciated, lecturing on an unfamiliar topic leads to extra, unpaid time in preparation and can make it difficult to provide effective teaching.

One Teaching Assistant at UCL noted that, while they were happy with their own workload, many departments were “more concerned with meeting their staffing needs than with any po-tential impact on the research work of graduates”. While a var-iation in workload may be inevi-table, the fact that some PGTAs are taking legal action through the University and College Un-ion is rather telling.

The role of Teaching

The Plight of the PGTAAlex Ashman

The exploitation of Postgraduate Teaching Assistants at UCL is bad news for their research and the undergraduates they teach.

Like a masochistic can-nibal, the great institution that is University College London is slowly starting to eat itself. With less money coming in despite frantic applications for research funding, College has been forced to cut staff and replace wiz-ened professors with fresh-faced youngsters. But can UCL really expect to maintain standards whilst haemorrhaging experi-enced staff? And just how much of the workload can they expect to foist upon underpaid Post-graduate Teaching Assistants?

Most of you will have been taught by a PGTA at some stage – postgraduates who provide undergraduate teaching whilst working on their PhD. The casu-al basis of their work means they are technically self-employed, so College has few obligations to-wards them. PGTAs can be fired at will, and holiday pay, sick pay and pension are certainly not included. But PGTAs often have the same supervisor both for their PhD and their teach-ing, and this makes it difficult for them to refuse extra work despite the ‘casual’ basis of their employment.

More vitally, any com-plaints they may have about the workload are often stifled by the need for a good reference, and with few Teaching Assist-ants unionised they have little or no collective voice. PGTAs are only really obliged to prepare for and give a couple of seminars per week, but some supervisors have managed to get postgrads to write lectures, provide pasto-ral support to students and even run courses in the their absence. This extra work is greatly out of proportion with a PGTA’s mea-sly salary. In some departments there is little difference between PGTAs and junior lecturers – ex-cept the £6 an hour pay gap.

Teaching Assistant is a

Assistant is supposed to be a short-term one but at UCL, it is not unknown for PGTAs to con-tinue teaching on a temporary basis long after they finish their PhD, when they should have been provided with a proper contract and proper rate of pay. This is all part of a university culture of providing casual work with little job stability or career progression, something that the UCU would like to see stamped out at institutions across the country.

Of course, it would be sui-cidal for UCL to get rid of PGTAs – teaching looks impressive on a postgrad’s CV, and removing the opportunity would be a huge disincentive to study at UCL. On the whole, postgrads are willing to teach and find it can be a con-fidence boost and a welcome dis-traction from their research. The real question is why UCL cannot improve their pay and provide them with proper contracts, and the answer leads us on to a much deeper issue.

Not so long ago, UCL’s senior management went on a campaign to cut 15% of UCL’s staff. Requests for voluntary re-dundancies were made, and sev-

eral august professors took early retirements – as one senior UCU member puts it, “they shook the tree to see who would fall out”. This ‘regeneration’ left the Col-lege chronically short on staff, and so PGTAs and other juniors have been taking up the slack. Many PGTAs were employed as cheap labour, saving College some precious pennies on teach-ing.

But why was it necessary for College to cut costs? The ma-jority of College’s funding comes from the Higher Education Funding Council for England, a body on which UCL Provost Professor Malcolm Grant hap-pens to sit. But Grant has done little to fight UCL’s corner when it comes to funding for teaching (see CG issue 12). As detailed in UCL’s Green Paper of 2007, Grant intended to increase the takings from students and pri-vate companies to reduce Col-lege’s reliance on government money. However, recession struck and corporations are cut-ting the money they are willing to pay for research. This current lack of cash is just one of the rea-sons that Grant is so keen to lift the cap on top-up fees.

UCL currently relies heav-ily on government funding de-termined largely by College’s level of ‘research excellence’. Academics spend ages writing research applications to make up for the shortfall in funding for teaching that Grant helped cre-ate, while all the time expensive professorships are being replaced by cheaper posts for lecturers, and work that should be done by lecturers is being shovelled onto postgrads. Without PGTAs, stu-dent numbers would have to be cut or academics would have to spend less time on research – ei-ther way, College’s bank balance would suffer. But will students still be willing to pay for a UCL degree if it doesn’t make good on the promises of excellence in the shiny prospectus?

8 TheCheeseGrater March 2009

HOME SECRETARY Jac-

qui Smith has announced that the Bellis Perennis weed, com-monly known as the daisy, will become a Class B substance in early May, meaning that those caught in possession of the plant may face a maximum sentence of five years in prison.

Smith introduced the bill saying, “There’s no such thing as a safe daisy, the psychological ef-fects of the plant are still a mys-tery area, but research shows the weed, particularly in the stronger chain variant, may produce feel-ings of love and joy in individu-als, which is largely opposed to the UK government’s policy of platonic exchange of goods and services in a stable economic framework.” She added that she

UCL Union Cheese Grater Magazine Societywww.cheesegratermagazine.org

Student Publication of the Year - UCL Union Arts Awards 2006, 2007, 2008President and Editor: Jenni Hulse Treasurer: Alex McKennaE-mail : [email protected] Humour Desk: [email protected]

UCL Union Cheese Grater Magazine Society, UCL Union, 25 Gordon Street, London WC1H 0AY The views expressed herein are not necessarily those of UCL Union or the editor.

The Laws for the Protection of Palestinian Blood and UCLU Honour(September 15, 1935)

Entirely convinced that the purity of UCL stu-dents’ blood is essential to the further existence of UCLU, and inspired by the uncompromising de-termination to safeguard the future of University College London, the Reichstag/AGM has unanimously resolved upon the following law, which is promul-gated herewith:

Section 1Marriages between Jews and UCL students or those of kindred blood are forbidden. Marriages con-cluded in defiance of this law are void, even if, for the purpose of evading this law, they were concluded abroad. Proceedings for annulment may be initiated only by the Public Prosecutor.

Section 2Extramarital sexual intercourse between Jews and subjects/members of UCL is forbidden.

Section 3Jews will not be permitted to employ female mem-bers of UCLU as domestic workers.

Section 4Jews are forbidden to display the Union logo or the College colours. On the other hand they are permitted to display the Jewish colours. The exer-cise of this right is protected by the Union.

Section 5A person who acts contrary to the prohibition of Section 1 will be punished with hard labour.A person who acts contrary to the prohibition of Section 2 will be punished with imprisonment or with hard labour.A person who acts contrary to the provisions of Sections 3 or 4 will get a face full of gas.

Section 6The Reich Finance and Democracy Officer in agree-ment with the Deputy Führer/Media and Communica-tions Officer and the Reich General Secretary will issue the legal and administrative regulations required for the enforcement and supplementing of this law.

Motion Proposed by: Joachim von CasseroleSeconded by: Sol Chaim Gamkowski

3 ̋High and RisingPercy Thrower

would rather “err on the side of caution” when it comes to plant legislation.

The move has been lobbied against by gardening enthusiasts and civil liberties groups. Rose Grow, a retired lawyer who pro-duces up to 100 daisies a year and heads the UK Daisy Aware-ness Group was “disappointed” by the decision, and said this was another case of “Middle England triumphing over science”.

In the statement Smith also announced that buttercups would retain their status as a class A plant, reminding the house that, “buttercups cause a visible and unhealthy yellowing of the face, an effect that can build up over time, eventually becoming irre-versible. Ultimately, buttercups only break hearts”.