Catholic Charities Social Workers Handbook

TABLE OF CONTENTS

SECTION I

Introduction Training Considerations for Agency Personal

Defining Non-Identifying Information

Protocol for Handling Inquiries

The Role of the Professional in a Search

Personal Characteristics of the Professional

Doing Searches Who May Search

The Preparation

Making Contact with the Sought Party

Mediating Contact

Legal Release Forms

Establishing Direct Contact

Stages of the Relationship

Establishing Fees

The "How To's" of Searching

Conducting a Search

SECTION II

Case Studies

SECTION III

Sample Forms

Table of ContentsMonday, May 17, 2010

10:16 AM

Table of Contents Page 1

Sample Forms

© 1997 by Catholic Charities USA Manual prepared by Patricia Martinez Dorner, MA, LPC, LMFT ADOPTION

SEARCH: AN ETHICAL GUIDE FOR PRACTITIONERS

"To forget one's ancestors is to be a brook without a source, A tree without root…." ------ Chinese Proverb

Pasted from <http://f1.grp.yahoofs.com/v1/4EvxS1Q_fhyQH0UZoKZjaQha9RA2QHa5zFo_FdhEQ7FkH9gJ3U9iCEBsAB7N1TMsEQX0ONTgh8KtlPTdLg/CCTriad%20Social%20Worker%20Handbook/A%20.Table%20of%20Contents>

Table of Contents Page 2

INTRODUCTION

The practice of adoption has undergone dramatic changes in the last 20 years. An explosion of evolving understanding has influenced practice and philosophy throughout the United States. Instead of secrecy and barriers to contact, there is an increased emphasis on openness and knowledge. The voices of those impacted by the adoption journey have clamored to be heard. Adopted persons, birthparents and adoptive parents have educated professionals about the complexities of living with adoption. What was believed to be a simple journey has instead, resulted in being a highly complex life experience. The beliefs guiding adoption practice from the 1930's to the 1970's, are well documented in books such as Dear Birthmother, which detail typical myths. In keeping with societal norms of the time, facilitating an adoption with a veil of secrecy was considered vital for the well being of all concerned, especially the adoptive family. Secrecy would prevent the birthparents from intruding and would allow the family to integrate into the larger community as though the children had been born to the adoptive parents. Thus, an adversarial model was created where in order to join a family by adoption, one had to obliterate the family by birth. Making this very feasible was the belief that birthparents forgot the children they birthed. Society emblazoned birthparents with symbols of shame, removing them from the ranks of the worthy once an adoption occurred. After all, what caring parent would give away her child? Supporting the sanctity of the adoptive family, was the belief that adopted persons would have no need to know about their birth families. If and when they did, it became a sure sign that they didn't love their adoptive families and were demonstrating a lack of gratitude. The rise of the adoption movement in the 70's began to erode these popularly held beliefs. Adopted persons began to openly acknowledge a profound need to know their birth families. They expressed a love and loyalty for their families by adoption. The need to know in no way denied the adoption ties. The search for self was identified as central to the quest. Birthparents came out of the closet, joining ranks to belie the "forgetting" myth. No matter what their personal story, the thread that joined them, was a love of their children and a need to know of their welfare. The honoring of the adoptive parents was consistently expressed while identifying their own need to know. Adoptive parents gradually joined the voices, exhibiting a heightened understanding of their children1s needs. Where the fear of birthparents had previously guided their experience, increased empathy and awareness now brought their participation. In growing numbers, they seek changes in the laws and practice areas which would allow their children access to their birth families. Little by little, agencies began to offer services that were

IntroductionMonday, May 17, 2010

10:22 AM

Introduction Page 3

responsive to the expressed needs of their clients from the past. The challenge was to identify~ the nature of the services in light of "promises" of the past. The "promises" tended to revolve around confidentiality and ownership issues. Adoptive parents were often told that the child would be theirs with no chance of intrusion by the birth family. Withholding information about identities of all parties sealed the possibility of paths crossing by chance or on purpose. Whether birthparents asked for it or not, they were bestowed with secrecy. Many will state that they never were, in fact, promised secrecy nor did they ask for it. The process of adoption involved professionals making decisions for all involved. The conviction being, that this was the desirable way to create families by adoption and respond to a crisis in the birthmother's life. Because adoptions of the past left the majority of the decision making in the professional arena, feelings were created within the participants of not being in charge of one's own life. Birthparents accepted it because that was the norm at the time. The stigma of bearing a child usually born out of wedlock was such, that it stripped them of the right to make most decisions pertaining to the child. The social climate was very punitive often forbidding the birthmother to even see her child. Adoptive parents invariably were willing to turn the controls over to the professionals because their family unit was created as a result. They were typically left with the belief that a family brought together by adoption was no different from any other family. The issues of infertility were not yet understood. The search will often bring about the resurgence of infertility issues, sometimes blocking the ability of adoptive parents to support search efforts involving their children. The changing of the "rules" can be both unnerving and joyful to clients from the past. How their reactions are handled will set the tone for the delivery of post adoption services. No one ever imagined that these would even exist, much less that they would tear down the walls obstructing contact. The goal becomes to help these persons understand the changes being empathic to their concerns and fears while serving those who can't wait to participate. Mental health services are intended to respond to the expressed needs of the population being served. It seemed appropriate to maintain the status quo while there was no feedback from the participants about the effects of closed adoption. Once the awareness grew about its impact on all parties, adjustments in practice became reasonable and necessary. Given the new knowledge, it would be inexcusable and unethical not to develop new professional standards. When the focus is on the expressed needs of the client, services become more easily defined. The creation of responsive services then, does not give more importance to one party over the other. Instead it allows for connections to happen whenever it is mutually desired. Birthparents seek to make themselves available to their children. They ask about the welfare of these children. Adopted persons seek information about their heritage contained in agency files and ask for contact with their birthparents. Agencies are custodians of adoption files. As such, barring state laws prohibiting the use of these files, services can be offered while maintaining appropriate confidentiality. The guiding concept is that, without revealing identities until permission is granted by the adults involved, agency personnel can respond to clients through a wide range of services. Instead of assuming that these adults wish no contact, a proactive agency stance allows them the capability of determining for themselves whether to

Introduction Page 4

stance allows them the capability of determining for themselves whether to participate or not. This model addresses client self determination responsibly. The professional turns over decision making capabilities to the persons affected by the adoption. It is vital to stress that the need to connect through a search is totally normal. The development of search related services creates avenues for triad members to respond to this need when they choose to search through the agency. As such, caution is indicated so that there is not a prolongation of counseling requirements or of involvement on the part of the professional that might suggest that there is anything maladaptive about searching. The focus of this manual will be the search. It is intended to provide guidelines regarding this area of post adoption services. Among the subjects to be covered will be: * training considerations for agency personnel * defining who may request a search * preparation and support issues for those involved * sharing non identifying information * the role of confidentiality in a mediated contact * the how to's of searching * sample cases

Pasted from <http://f1.grp.yahoofs.com/v1/4EvxS0uNVn2QH0UZoOOWBbpEtae8HVfGpznm2zLrR1-12pYNuns85eo2UJJ-sYwM2wO2aZMLJwFaTWNyRA/CCTriad%20Social%20Worker%20Handbook/B.%20Introduction>

Introduction Page 5

TRAINING CONSIDERATIONS FOR AGENCY PERSONNEL

To successfully provide a search service, support is necessary from administrators and board members. The more they have an understanding about adoption complexities and the many layers of a search, the more they will be supportive of all the ramifications. Educational efforts would include these persons who may otherwise only get feedback when there is a problem. It is not enough to provide the service and only train those who will be searching. The support of the administration and the board is of vital importance especially when any facet of the service is challenged by former or current clients. The nature of post adoption services involves balancing the needs of triad members. These needs are not always complementary and as such, require a clear vision regarding the legitimacy of the services themselves and how to best provide them. While the characteristics of a search will have many similar components, there will always be new angles to consider that require a discerning practitioner. It is virtually impossible to anticipate every scenario that may arise during the course of a search and contact. Building in a case management and supervision model allows for dialogue regarding complexities within cases. It will also expand the knowledge base of other staff and supervisors not directly involved in the direct provision of these services. Furthermore, it will guard against the isolation of post adoption staff and exclusively unilateral decision making. Needless to say, in order to maximize positive outcomes in a search, it is vital that the professional handling each request be trained. This includes training for support staff so that there is a clear awareness that searches can be requested and what the surrounding issues are. A sensitivity to every inquiring telephone call and letter validates the normalcy of the need to pursue a search. Support staff such as secretaries are often the first point of contact. Determinations will be made internally as to what their role will be in providing information. Of major importance is a non judgmental stance regardless of which triad member approaches. Major courage is required to request a search. Even an initiating phone call or letter is an expression of this ingredient. Typically, the expectation is to be rebuffed by the agency. There is a tremendous mental health benefit when there is a warm and understanding reception. Oftentimes, an inquiry does not lead to a request for services immediately. Pursuing a search involves a readiness to risk rejection which is uniquely and personally timed. Only

Training Considerations for Agency PersonnelMonday, May 17, 201010:36 AM

Training Considerations for Agency Personnel Page 6

involves a readiness to risk rejection which is uniquely and personally timed. Only the person involved can determine when the right time to search has arrived. Searching is not an impulsive act; it is usually preceded by a great deal of thought and trepidation. Thus, any communication with adoption triad members is of significance and should be documented and promptly placed in the appropriate file in order to maintain an updated record. As the Adoptees Liberty Movement of America (ALMA is a search & support advocacy organization) sticker reads, "THAT'S NO FILE, IT'S MY LIFE!". As more people make their approaches, there will continue to be growing numbers where both parties have contacted the agency. Documentation would include full name, address, home and work telephone numbers, driver's license number, social security number, spouse's name and whether this person can be contacted, openness to contact, and any other notes deemed appropriate. The value of this information is significant in the event an approach is made by the other party. There is a tremendous impact when triad members learn that there has been an inquiry.

Pasted from <http://f1.grp.yahoofs.com/v1/4EvxS1WBHhiQH0UZZsIfPwP7L_IG05eOySMdnjcr7ExJovjpXVflOQ470LiIkVXHkoJmd2EASLx_CiA-2Q/CCTriad%20Social%20Worker%20Handbook/C.%20Training%20Considerations%20for%20Agency%20Personal>

Training Considerations for Agency Personnel Page 7

PROTOCOL FOR HANDLING INQUIRIES

Agencies receive a multitude of calls from persons whose adoptions they handled. The most typical callers are adopted persons, birthmothers and adoptive parents. There are also inquiries by birthfathers, relatives and helpful friends. Establishing a protocol for handling these different parties will protect the confidentiality of triad members. General information about services can safely be given to anyone. Procedures for confirming any given adoption would include a written request with proof of identity from the requesting party. It is appropriate to confirm and provide information to adopted adults, birthmothers and birthfathers who are named within the file. The agency will define how to handle inquiries from other parties where special considerations must be taken into account. Inquiries from Adoptive Parents and Siblings Adoptive parents of adults have a right to receive information contained in the file about their children's birth family. As agencies have become less secretive, more information is being shared that was not available before. There are many adoptive parents that obtain non identifying information for their adult children. However, it is not appropriate to share search related information with them unless their children have included them in the process. Many adopted adults choose not to tell their parents about their interest in, or involvement with, a search. It is their right to determine when, and if, they tell. This consideration will also apply to siblings who are adopted within the same family. Sometimes decisions are made to keep the matter private and this needs to be respected. The professional may provide search assistance for more than one family member, maintaining privacy for all involved. Eventually, most people do share this major life event with their family members. The timing is determined by them and usually done from a more adult and stronger posture. That is, sharing happens without being reduced to childhood status; without asking for permission. That is the appropriate way healthy adults handle their personal matters. It is not appropriate for the agency to have requirements about telling adoptive parents about the search. However, the professional is able to help in the identification of the blockages to telling, in assessing when there is readiness to tell, and with the management of others' reactions. Birthfathers Who Are Not Named in the File When a birthfather inquires about an adoption, it is necessary to establish if he is named in the file as the identified birthfather. One would gather data about him as well as the birthmothers name and the date or year of the birth and adoption. If his name does not appear in agency records, no confirmation about the agency involvement or the adoption should occur. Birthfather inquiries are best handled by indicating that a search will be made to determine if his name appears in relation to

Protocol for Handling InquiriesMonday, May 17, 201010:43 AM

Protocol for Handling Inquiries Page 8

any adoption the agency has handled. This avoids jeopardizing the privacy of any birthmother and does not confirm any adoption related to the birthmother he has identified. It is important to underline that this procedure is not meant in any way to discriminate against birthfathers but rather to protect the confidentiality of the birthmother. An option open to him would be for him to locate the birthmother and get verification that he is indeed the birthfather. Sensitivity to the frustration of these birthfathers is vital. Many have already felt and indeed been, discounted throughout the adoption process. Verbalizing to him that there is empathy for his predicament can assist a birthfather as he makes subsequent decisions about his quest. Options are then left open for the provision of future services. When Relatives and Friends Seek Information There are triad members who are hesitant or fearful of inquiring about any aspect of their adoption themselves. Sometimes they will turn over the inquiry to relatives or friends. Information about services can certainly be provided to these individuals. However, encouraging direct communication, even when providing general information, can be empowering for the triad member. Typically, the fear of rejection of one's needs, even from the agency, intimidates many. The rejection can even be felt in the expectation that seeking services is not normal or that services are not available. Birthparents' relatives that inquire about services the most frequently are spouses, parents and offspring. If it is documented within the file that they know about the adoption, then with proper documentation of identity, a range of information may be shared. For example, grandparents may want to learn about the child's welfare and whether there has been updated information. This type of inquiry may later lead to a search. It is not recommended that services be offered to a spouse or a friend in the absence of the triad member. While these parties can be support sources during a search, they are not identified as candidates for direct services. A spouse who takes over the search for her mate, often is guided by her need and timing, and it is not always matched with her spouse's need and timing. By requiring authorization and documentation from the principals, (adoptees and birthparents), control is left in their court as to when they wish to include others. When Both Parties Have Come Forward It is increasingly common to find that a birthparent and her child have contacted the agency, sometimes leaving authorization for release of information and identity. Defining a protocol for handling these situations is important. It is recommended that each party be contacted to determine if there is still a readiness to proceed with direct contact. When addresses and phone numbers are no longer current for either party, it may be necessary to redefine the case as a search with funding covered by the interested party. Experience has demonstrated that life changes can create a situation whereby contact may no longer be timely. Furthermore, to release information without notification can be unbalancing to those involved because it is unexpected. Paying attention to these elements diminishes agency liability and vulnerability. Additionally, it is desirable to set a minimum requirement when the agency facilitates contact when both parties have come forward. This would include release forms and a preparation session with agency professionals or an adoption professional in the community. Agencies may define an alternative to the preparation session. This may include written materials, a video or

Protocol for Handling Inquiries Page 9

alternative to the preparation session. This may include written materials, a video or some other pathway that helps the participants prepare for the complexities of search and reunion. Proceeding in this fashion, addresses professional accountability as the participants enter a complex life experience. It also diminishes liability for the agency.

Pasted from <http://f1.grp.yahoofs.com/v1/4EvxS4Q5uA2QH0UZKPMg3uqAp7IHAlhI3wXSM4U1R2cMwZTI4jnycYwnw4lFlVpTUW6B2_KMpf0RQUMopw/CCTriad%20Social%20Worker%20Handbook/D.%20Protocol%20for%20handling%20inquries>

Protocol for Handling Inquiries Page 10

THE ROLE OF THE PROFESSIONAL IN A SEARCH

The professional who provides search services will be immersed in one of the most significant life events for the participants. His role will include the search itself, the preparation of the searcher and the found relative, as well as the mediation, processing and facilitation of the contact. He will also be a support source over time for the principals. As an intermediary, he will extend an invitation for contact in the most caring and safe manner possible. He will be respectful of the needs of those he serves and not pressure either party to do that which is not comfortable or timely. He will be watchful so that he does not create a conflict of interest since the requesting party is the one who funds the quest. It is not his place to force anyone's participation. Respectful of boundaries, he will communicate options that are available. He will share his expertise as he interrelates with those he is rejoining and those who are not able to accomplish the desired goal. Recognizing his limits, he must know when to exit Every search has a point in time when the adoption professional is no longer needed. Allowing the clients to move on without him is part of the process of mental health services. Many clients are fearful of losing the connection to the professional; he represents the sought triad member. The delicate balance involves being available while encouraging the principals to recognize and deal with their fears and displacements. When additional resources are needed, the adoption professional will refer to other professionals. The nature of this work involves a great deal of long distance communication. Assessment of the needs of the clients will be ongoing so as to best evaluate when to incorporate additional support. When a client is in therapy, it is advisable and ethical to interface and work cooperatively with his therapist (with the client's permission). A search is a major therapeutic intervention and therapist awareness and involvement can be of great value during the course of treatment. Many excellent therapists are not familiar with adoption dynamics. The adoption professional, as a specialist, is able to be a resource adding significantly to the maximizing of positive outcomes.

Pasted from <http://f1.grp.yahoofs.com/v1/4EvxS0FraTOQH0UZ-R2RCLEclhNhT8U_Y0tSOVbkCcPsf5asqIEulAKn0U8maw1k2g446W_aTn_UsouXgA/CCTriad%20Social%20Worker%20Handbook/E.%20The%20role%20of%20a%20professional%20in%20a%20search>

The Role of the Professional in a SearchMonday, May 17, 2010

10:45 AM

The Role of the Professional in a Search Page 11

PERSONAL CHARACTERISTICS OF THE PROFESSIONAL DOING SEARCHES

The identification of desirable personal characteristics of a professional doing searches may be used as a guide for assigning this important role. Recognizing that there are many styles that produce successful outcomes, an awareness of factors influencing outcomes could be helpful. While there is no one way to do anything, the following have been found to be significant:

* organizational skills* an in depth comprehension of adoption issues and the need to connect with original family* a sense of responsibility to maximize positive outcomes* an understanding that long term outcomes are complex* an empathy for the circumstances that led to the adoption originally* an awareness of power and control issues within oneself* tremendous flexibility.

Organizational Skills

The professional who has good organizational skills will be better able to conduct a well focused search. Agency files may include case notes, social history forms, psychological testing, hospital records, court records and other documents. Learning to recognize important information contained in an agency file will be central to an efficient and completed search. Extracting the potentially useful information narrows down the focus of attention. A review of the file content including case notes, (when they exist), is helpful in getting a sense of the family dynamics. This is relevant when making decisions about which family members one might contact. Keeping track of the steps one has taken is a major aid. Clues surface in a manner similar to working a puzzle. A seemingly unimportant detail may become an important lead as information gets uncovered.

Understanding the Profound Nature of Adoption Issues & the Need to Connect A sensitive professional understands adoption issues and that the need to search is derived from a profound source deep within each person. It is typical for adopted persons and birthparents to express these needs in a manner that becomes recognizable in relation to their role. One can actually identify a "script" of what is

Personal Characteristics of the Professional Doing SearchesMonday, May 17, 2010

10:50 AM

Personal Characteristics of the Professional Doin Page 12

recognizable in relation to their role. One can actually identify a "script" of what is usually said by adoptees and birthparents. This script encapsulates the adoption experience for each. Gaining an understanding of the depth associated with the words is the training ground for providing sensitive services. It is hard to ignore the message that is delivered consistently by triad members. Adopted persons want to know who they look like and why the adoption happened. Below the surface of these needs are issues related to the existential "who am I?" and whether the adoption was an act of love or rejection. The first gets manifested with the question "who do I look like?" arid the latter with "why was I adopted?"

En Ia cara esta todo. Esta til historia, estan ti£ padre. tit madre, tus abzielos y bisabitelos, tal ve: hasta un tio lejano de qi'ien ya nadie se aciterda. Detras de Ia cara esta la personalidad, las cosas buenas y menos buenas que recibiste de tus antepasados. La cara es nitestra primera identidad, lo que nos permite ubicarnos con la vida y dec ir vean, aqili estoy. Asi citando a los trece, catorce anos, come nzaste a pasar horas enterasfrente al espejo. comprendi que era justo eso lo que estabas buscando. Por cierto, mirabas los granitos y los pun tos negros, a la nariz demasiodo grande de repente, pero tambien era otra cosa. Al sustraer y eliminar los rasgos de tufamilia materna, tratabas de hacerte una idea so bre Ia cara del horn bre que te habia puesto en el mundo... Un dia el hq~o, observandose en el espejo, habria entendido que dentro de el, habia alguien mas y quede este alguien mas- querria saberlo todo. Existen personas que persiguen incluso durante toda la vida la cara de lapropia madre, del propio padre. pag.81 Donde el corazon te lleve. Susana Tamaro

Translation: -Everything is in the face. Your history is there, your father, your mother, your grandparents and great grandparents, perhaps even a distant uncle that no one remembers. Behind the face is the personality, the good and less good things that you got from your ancestors. The face is our first identity, what helps us situate ourselves in life and to say look, here I am. So, when you were 13, 14 years old, and you began to spend hours in front of the mirror, I understood that it was exactly that that you were looking for. You certainly were looking at the blemishes and the blackheads, or the too long nose, but it was also something else. When you eliminated the features given to you by your maternal family, you tried to get an idea of the face of the man who put you on this earth. .one day, the child, looking at himself in the mirror, would understand that within himself there was someone else arid that- about this someone else- he'd want to know everything. There are people who search their entire lives for the face of their own mother, their own father.

Birthparent scripts include a complementary need to tell their children the reasons for the adoption. They want to make certain they know that love and circumstances guided the adoption decision. They also want to be reassured that

Personal Characteristics of the Professional Doin Page 13

circumstances guided the adoption decision. They also want to be reassured that their children are alive and well. Being intimate with, and sensitive to, these scripts will greatly influence the dedication of the professional. It will also affect how he guides, educates and validates his clients.

Empathy for Circumstances Then and Now

Cultural changes in our society have dramatically changed the view of single parenthood. Where before pregnancy without marriage was strongly censured, now it hardly raises an eyebrow. Having a historical perspective will affect how the adoption circumstances will be viewed by the professional.

Histories contained in agency files are to be handled in a sensitive and non judgmental manner. It is not unusual for case notes to include highly subjective statements about the clients. It is wise to consider that the passage of time may have modified both the perceived and actual situations and people. Using the material contained in the file as a guide, instead of as a marker of current truth, would be a wise stance. There are families described as totally chaotic who when relocated years later may be functioning in a well balanced manner. Conversely, glowing reports about clients may reflect a truth of the past but not the present.

The passage of time may uncover a birthfamily that has gotten beyond the crisis of the adoption. It may also reveal the ideal adoptive parents to be divorced and with new mates. Having a frame of reference that is reality based and allows for change to happen within families will influence the management of the case. The mind set being described is relevant on a regular basis to guard against assumptions that may compromise search outcomes.

Further, taking into account the effects of adoption on all triad members will be of assistance when assessing current circumstances. This will be especially true when either party is going through a troubled time. Helping participants become aware of adoption influenced patterns within themselves can produce therapeutic change facilitated by a well trained professional.

Maximizing Positive Outcomes

Empathy and a genuine understanding of the issues experienced by those touched by adoption, will create a higher likelihood for positive outcomes. Completing a search in a timely manner, pays attention to the lifetime of waiting; lost time which can't be recaptured. Being entrusted with the important role of intermediary requires a personal and professional commitment to caring. This will increase the determination to find the sought party because there is a conviction that it is everyone's right to connect with original family. This comes from the

Personal Characteristics of the Professional Doin Page 14

that it is everyone's right to connect with original family. This comes from the understanding that family cut offs are maladaptive.

When the agency assumes the intermediary role, it does require that both the searcher and the sought party agree to the contact. Paying attention to how the invitation for contact is extended sets the tone for subsequent steps in the reconnection process. It is much like a delicate dance where each step attempts to follow the lead of the other person.

Understanding Long Term Outcomes

As significant as a search is, framing it from a realistic perspective is useful. The search is not a cure all. It does provide an opportunity for a major therapeutic intervention. Even when the desired direct contact is not possible, there is no such thing as an unsuccessful search. A multitude of new knowledge invariably gets imparted: both parties learn the other is alive, the invitation for contact opens a door of possibility to future contact and non identifying information may be shared. All of this, is highly significant in light of the absence of previous knowledge about each other.

When contact does occur, having the ability to communicate directly about core issues paves the way for tremendous healing by all. However, this does not define the long term outcomes. As in all of life's relationships, there will be many stages impacted by compatibility and many other factors. What the nature of the relationship will be 1, 5 or 10 years hence cannot be predicted. Such is the flow of life. Successful searches involve opening doors of possibility and communication. Just as life is complex, so is this journey. Removing the previously existing barriers is success itself.

Awareness of Power & Control Issues

Searching involves a major entrustment which can not be underestimated. It turns over the control of a multitude of areas to someone else whom the searcher does not know. Power and control issues exist as the professional determines how and when the search will happen, what is shared with the searcher, and what constitutes appropriate and ethical practice.

When the professional is mindful of the vulnerability of those he serves, power and control issues will be diminished. One area where these factors come into play is the handling of information from the file and newly discovered material. Sensitive sharing of appropriate information allows the searcher to be a partner in the search even when identifying information may not yet be released. Ongoing updates of progress also assists the searcher who is unable to conduct his own

Personal Characteristics of the Professional Doin Page 15

updates of progress also assists the searcher who is unable to conduct his own search. This responsive pattern of interaction, validates the searcher's need to be a part of the search, while keeping the process appropriate. It is very difficult for triad members to know that the professional has information that pertains, but is unavailable, to them.

Flexibility

Searching requires tremendous flexibility. This may mean that the work schedule includes evenings and weekends in order to accommodate the parties involved. It may mean meeting in an office or at a park. Each step of the contact involves an evaluation of possible courses of action. The client may, at first, convey a desire to correspond for a period of time and then suddenly reverse himself and want to meet the other triad member the next day. It is not enough to know that this is normal. Supporting the decision makers, (the clients), through this, will require a willingness to flow with it by the professional facilitator. This does not remove his responsibility to guide the participants if a desired course of action does not appear sound. Throughout the course of the search, the professional will be assessing and providing appropriate input.

Flexibility also involves not having a fixed way or time period for when to establish a direct contact. It is suggested that there be a minimum standard including a preparation session (or alternative pathway defined by the agency) for both parties and the obtaining of release forms. Beyond that, when adults are involved, it is appropriate to give them control over the timing for direct contact as long as it is by mutual agreement.

It is frequently observed that while the professional is acting as the go between, that there is a displacement of role importance that disappears when the direct contact occurs between the principals. That is, the birthparent or the adopted person may create a strong bond with the professional which typically disappears when direct contact happens with the other triad member. Being able to handle this shift, while not creating yet another loyalty struggle for those involved, is vital. A professional who understands the dynamic will not feel a blow to his self esteem when this happens. Instead, it will be perceived and experienced as a normal part of the process.

Pasted from <http://f1.grp.yahoofs.com/v1/4EvxS0E47NGQH0UZOH-nQc6-xn4Hstgcjr8iXlAMU3wg0RzsUDP41bf345s4lC0MW2UP3cGpYQXPZc8hEg/CCTriad%20Social%20Worker%20Handbook/FPersonal%20Characteristics%20of%20the%20Professional%20Doing%20Searches>

Personal Characteristics of the Professional Doin Page 16

Personal Characteristics of the Professional Doin Page 17

WHO MAY SEARCH?

Adopted Adults and Their Birthparents

Post adoption services are intended to respond to the needs of all triad members. As such, decisions will be made as to who may initiate a search. When dealing with adults, it is appropriate to give equal voice to birthparents and adopted persons. That is to say, either one can request that the other be found so as to attempt contact.

Defining adulthood is relevant. The most typical adult defining ages for these services are 18 and 21 years of age. The agency will determine at which point services can be provided directly to the adult. An emancipated minor, under 18, who is living on his own and supporting himself would receive adult status. A 20 year old, being supported by his parents, attending school outside of his parents' home would be treated much as a minor would be. This means that the adoptive parents and the adopted person would be involved in the search process. At the very least, because in truth, the 20 year old is not a minor, parental endorsement would be important. Establishing guidelines for the adoptive parent role is necessary, given the varied scenarios that will present themselves.

Adoptive Parents

While adoptive parents were primary clients at the time of the adoption, it is not appropriate for them to conduct a search on behalf of their adult children. Their support is invaluable, but appropriate respect of boundaries is central here. Their children are adults now arid honoring their adulthood in decision making is vital. An extrapolation of this, involves not asking for, or requiring, adoptive parent permission in order to do a search. There is no life situation where parents of competent adults are given this power.

Sometimes adoptive parents fund a search for their adult children. Usually these parents become part of the search process joining in with their children. While there may be dialogue with them throughout the search, an awareness of appropriate conduct so as to keep the focus on the adopted person is important. For example, sharing the progress of the search directly with the adopted adult

Who May SearchMonday, May 17, 2010

10:59 AM

Who May Search Page 18

For example, sharing the progress of the search directly with the adopted adult is desirable. Hearing news and outcomes firsthand has a powerful impact because the agency professional is the link to the birthparent. Every piece of news is significant and direct sharing is appreciated. This honors and conveys an understanding of the magnitude of the experience.

Supportive alternative services can be developed to be responsive to adoptive parents without stripping their children of their power to behave as adults. This offers an opportunity to the agency to continue to be available to them at a time when they feel particularly vulnerable. A search sets off insecurities in many adoptive parents about the permanence of the bonds with their children. Helping them express and process their feelings constitutes a valuable service.

There are adoptive parents whose children invite them to participate through correspondence and other forms of contact with birth family. It is usual to witness strengthened bonds within these families. The overt validation of the need to search creates a powerful glue between parent and child. It assists in the redefinition of self, belongingness and relationships.

When working with adoptive parents it is helpful to explore their adoption issues and how they have manifested themselves through the years. Looking ahead to the impact of a search, expands the horizons beyond their 6wn fears and experience. Reading material and support groups can be of great value to reinforce these efforts. Courageous Blessing, by Carol DeMuth, is suggested reading for adoptive parents. This book devotes itself to helping adoptive parents understand the need and issues related to a search by their children.

Helping them understand that their children often block their need to know in order to protect their adoptive parents, creates a heightened understanding. Additionally, there are those parents who endorse a search and yet their children don't trust that this gesture is genuine. A central fear of adopted persons is that if they pursue a search, they will be rejected by the only parents they know. Having experienced the loss of the original parents and knowing the pain they bear, makes it too frightening to risk the new loss. Even when cognitively they know this will not happen, emotionally, they often get stuck in a fear pattern. For many, the resolution to this conflict is not to tell their parents that they are searching. When adoptive parents communicate the support over time, they effectively give ongoing permission, freeing the adopted person to pursue his quest when the time is right for him.

When opening closed adoptions, adoptive parents do have full input regarding contact. In this situation it is appropriate because minor children are involved. This manual will not focus on this area of practice.

Who May Search Page 19

This manual will not focus on this area of practice.

Birthfathers

Birthfathers were often excluded from the adoption process. Agency files may nonetheless contain his identity and other information. There are an increasing number of birthfathers seeking contact with their children arid searching on their behalf is appropriate, even in the absence of birthmother involvement. This means that birthfathers are given equal status to the birthmother and the adopted person. When offering services to them, attention must be paid to the reality that there is a percentage who are incorrectly named.

The risk then, involves connecting two people incorrectly. Letting both parties know about this when the birthmother is not involved, allows participants to evaluate their willingness to risk. There are those who will get DNA tests to ascertain the relationship. It is their right to take these steps with the support of the professional.

An extension of this occurs when the birthmother has been contacted and the professional is asked to now seek out the birthfather. There are situations when the wrong person is identified even then. Awareness of these complexities will assist the professional as he processes and guides those involved.

Other Relatives

Siblings of the adopted person will often come forward asking for search assistance. Decisions will be made internally as to whether this service will be provided with or without birthparent authorization (endorsement). There are instances when the birthparents wish to turn over the search to the children they have raised because of their o~ issues. Getting their written approval, proof of identity and release forms for this action will protect the agency.

There will be situations where the offspring of birthparents learn about the adopted child and seek verification and contact. Practice guidelines need to be formulated regarding how to handle these requests in the absence of birthparent authorization.

A similar scenario may exist with grandparents or other relatives seeking contact with the adopted person. While birthparents and siblings tend to be the primary interest for adopted persons, there may be situations where it would be appropriate to extend the service to other relatives, especially the grandparents. Again, it would be wise to obtain written authorization, proof of identity and release forms from the birthparent. This approach protects the service providers

Who May Search Page 20

release forms from the birthparent. This approach protects the service providers when the identity of the birthparents would be released through direct contact with these extended family members. It also acknowledges the extended family and the benefits derived from facilitating whatever level of contact becomes possible.

When the agency file indicates that the grandparents knew of the adoption, services may be extended to them while protecting the identity of the birthparents who don't wish to give authorization. for direct contact. This would be in the form of contact with identifying information withheld and would involve an intermediary during the course of the exchanges. Though a limited service, it would still offer an avenue for services to extended family members.

Special Situations

When the sought person is deceased, facilitating contact with other relatives is appropriate. Decisions will be made as to which member's) are approached. Parents and offspring of the deceased would be the most logical to contact. Confidentiality gets redefined after a death. Legal opinions may be sought at each location for how to best handle this.

There will be situations where the search involves a triad member who is limited mentally or physically and his care is handled by others. In these situations, the caretaker may become the decision maker about what is possible. The agency and its representative will make decisions about how to handle unusual situations where a primary voice is given to others.

Mental and physical limitations don't necessarily mean that the person in question is unable to make some self determinations. It may mean that the input of those who care for him, or are part of his family, will assist in the course of the reunion.

Gary', age 35, requested that his birthmother be found. When she was located by the agency professional, she was telephoned The conversation was brief she asked to be called the next night and she verified that her husband knew about the adoption. The next night, the husband answered the phone and the conversation that ensued brought to light that this birthmother had Alzheimer's. Her ability to manage the course of the reunion was nil. Her husband stepped in as the contact person, receptive to welcoming Gary. Release forms were obtained from him as her caretaker because the course other disease was quite advanced. Gary was able to meet a very large extended family as a result. While these situations are not typical, having protocol for handling them is relevant.

Who May Search Page 21

When Is It Appropriate to Deny Search Services?

In the vast majority of cases, requests for searches can be safely and appropriately acted upon. Sometimes situations occur where a denial of services may be in order. Among these would be when the requesting person:

* seems intent on hurting the sought party* has a focus on getting money* is involved in a serious addiction and is not in treatment

Assessment of the functioning of the person being served is an ongoing process. The adoption professional will evaluate red flags and make determinations based on this. The person entering into contact is trusting that the facilitator will be overseeing areas of concern.

Conversely, the searcher also wants to be alerted to potential dangers if the found party exhibits behaviors that could pose a threat. As the intermediary, the professional makes recommendations based on his training arid experience. He is the "gatekeeper" as long as he is involved.

Pasted from <http://f1.grp.yahoofs.com/v1/4EvxS0tOBY2QH0UZYxY11_G8eRwjH43iDnqfy4ANZfColCMgB5KF82fWDcC1KLCqhhlEcY662u26AY9Kcg/CCTriad%20Social%20Worker%20Handbook/G.%20Who%20may%20search%20>

Who May Search Page 22

THE PREPARATION

This chapter will examine the preparation process from the stand point of the searcher and the found person. Issues particular to adopted persons, birthparents and adoptive parents will also be covered from each perspective. While there is an overlap of similarity, there are some areas that are more relevant to one party than the other.

Preparing the Searcher

The preparation of the searcher allows him to explore and learn about frequently represented issues in the reconnection process. The professional guides, validates and stimulates introspection during this highly complex life stage. This educational step expands the individual's personal experience so as to help him see the larger picture from the perspective of his own role and the other two primary roles within the adoption experience. The more one has an understanding of each role and its interfacing with the others, the more the navigation of the search is made manageable.

Searchers will often request services using the need to give or receive medical information as the primary reason. This provides a socially accepted area of focus and minimizes the emotional risk of expressing deeper needs. Professionals are able to validate the importance of medical history while expanding the perspective that searching in and of itself is totally normal. Furthermore, it needs no justification. The examination of why, and what one expects, is done for self exploration, not to convince the professional.

Following an adoption focused national pro gram, a man called the featured agency to vent his thoughts. He began by saying that he was well into adulthood and felt a need for his medical records. He vehemently stated that he had no interest in his birthmother - that he didn't care about her. The professional spent some time sharing what she had learned from working with adopted persons and birthparents. She, in essence, gave him permission to feel normal about whatever his needs were, including the possibility of contact with his birthmother.

The PreparationMonday, May 17, 201011:01 AM

The Preparation Page 23

At the end of the exchange, with a great deal of feeling he exclaimed: "Js it possible to love someone very much that you have never met?!"

This type of shift in emotional tenor is not unusual. Self protection tends to be paramount until there are feelings of safety that allow the entrusting of these intense feelings. This is especially so with men in our culture, where the expression of feelings is often blocked.

Looking at the timing and expectations of a search is an opportunity to verbalize beginning thoughts and feelings about one's adoption experience. The mobilizing of an active search often uncovers the depth of the needs within the person. There is no way to know what the outcome of the search will be, so considering many possible scenarios is constructive. Among these would be the acceptance or refusal to have contact, the reasons that tend to influence each 6f these outcomes, the possibility of finding an emotionally healthy or unhealthy relative, and discovering that death has robbed the searcher of the opportunity to know the other party.

Experience has taught us that most adopted persons and birthparents accept the invitation for contact. Sometimes the found persons will say that they had previously thought about searching but didn1t know how, or didn't want to intrude in the other person's life. Birthparents especially will say that while they welcome their children's approach, that they didn't feel entitled to even inquire about their them. Conveying this typically expressed sentiment to adopted persons is very important. They often feel abandoned and forgotten, lacking the understanding of the dynamics of birthparents. Given today's attitudes about sexual behaviors and single parenting, they find it difficult to understand the climate of the time periods covering their adoptions.

When the person being approached is unreceptive to contact, an examination of typical reasons as well as those particular to the unavailable person will be helpful. This does not remove the hurt of rejection felt by the searcher. This hurt can be represented by ranges of sadness and anger. Claiming one's right to know is understandable. However, it doesn't always produce the desired result.

Unreceptive persons often will consider points on the continuum of contact. This means that sometimes a letter &/or picture will be accepted or at least read over the telephone, allowing the searcher's voice to be heard. This may result in a response regarding the current situation and why it is preventing direct contact. Three way telephone conversations are also optional. Confidentiality is maintained, if that is what is desired by the participants, by using first names. The intermediary is the facilitator.

The Preparation Page 24

The intermediary is the facilitator.

Another area of exploration is the discovery of a sought party who may, or may not, be emotionally healthy. Fantasies often revolve around extremes; expectations of finding people who are perfect or absolutely terrible, are very typical. Dealing with whatever the reality is, often requires some processing of what becomes known. There are those who claim they can accept anything about the other person. That is, until they are dealing with real people and real situations. Differences in lifestyle and values can create problems. Dealing with what is, versus what is imagined, becomes the task at hand.

When death robs the searcher of the sought party, grieving is very typical. Most people are surprised by the intensity of their grief. The lost opportunity to know each other often releases regret that the search did not occur sooner. There is often a need to visit the grave and walk through the years with extended family members. Facilitating contact with relatives relieves some of the pain.

The searcher needs to understand that he frequently will be "reviving" the deceased as he may look, act, move and think much like that person who died. This adds a frequently unexpected dimension. There may be a reciprocal need to strengthen the bond through a commitment to contact since the searcher is an extension of the deceased. Sorting through a relationship that is all its own, separate from the deceased, can be complex. Being aware of the ramifications of the death, will assist both parties in building whatever is possible without replacement issues interfering significantly.

The Roller coaster of Emotions

The search unleashes a roller coaster of emotions that are often represented simultaneously. Joy and anticipation may coexist with fear, anxiety and sadness. Journaling is suggested to assist in the reflection about the multitude of feelings and thoughts that burst forth. It also offers an opportunity to look at what the impact is, over time.

It is now better understood that a suppression of adoption related feelings is typical in order to survive (cope). When potential contact is offered, it often unleashes heretofore unexpressed and/or inaccessible thoughts and feelings. This frees the person to finally get in touch with himself in a safe environment and sets off an intensity held under check- for many, for a lifetime.

Searchers often believe that the completion of the search will create a peaceful internal experience. While feelings of magnificent wholeness are expressed rapidly pursuant to a search, being prepared for the continuing roller coaster is

The Preparation Page 25

rapidly pursuant to a search, being prepared for the continuing roller coaster is important. The link is but an early chapter in the reconnection process; the complexities, fantasies and uncertainties abound. By considering these issues before an immersion in a search occurs, the searcher becomes better equipped to deal with the emotional outcomes.

The preparation stage gives the searcher a chance to look at how he handles a wide range of emotions, what his communication skills are, the nature of his relationships and more. His life skills will come into play during this time. A frequently expressed concern is that the contact with the sought party constitutes a totally new and unknown territory. Helping the person make the connection that all new relationships go through a wide array of stages is relevant here. By looking at his life experience, his strengths and how he handles a variety of situations, he is better able to demystify this particularly charged venture.

There is no question but that a search embodies a major life altering event. Personal patterns of life and relationship management will be impacted. It is typical to witness a strengthening of those involved as the healing process evolves. This in turn will impact the ability to relate in a more trusting and intimate manner with significant others. The adoption separation (loss) affects trust, which questions the permanence of relationships and therefore blocks the ability to be intimate to the degree possible in less wounded others.

The adopted person learns he was not rejected and is worthy of receiving and giving love. The birthparent rejoined with her child, learns she is not hated by her child and is worthy of receiving and giving love as well. The force of this awareness catapults the participants to an emotional change that feels as engulfing as a tidal wave. Managing this intensity is part of the roller coaster. Integrating its healing capacity makes dramatic internal changes happen. This brings about existential, emotional and psychological change and growth.

The shared nature of this experience creates an intense intimacy between two adults with a limited shared history. A respect of boundaries is of vital importance at this time. Primal needs can get interwoven with sexual overtones. The search creates a developmental recycling, revisiting stages from infancy through adulthood.

It is very typical for participants to report that there is a need at the early stages to stare, touch, and be held. It is a time of "falling in love". This is akin to the all dependent infant, needing to be nurtured by his mother. Unmet infancy needs get addressed well beyond the point of infancy. It is important to point out that these needs are not present because of adoptive parent inadequacies. These are

The Preparation Page 26

these needs are not present because of adoptive parent inadequacies. These are related to unfinished business between the birthmother and her child. In most instances, they are resolved appropriately.

Genetic sexual attraction is the term used to describe many aspects of this experience when it takes on a sexual flavor. It can occur between the birthparent and his her child as well as between siblings. Paying attention to the incest taboo by raising it to a point of consciousness, assists participants as they manage their emotions. Most people preparing for a contact don't see themselves as vulnerable to the dynamics being described. Revisiting this while the contact evolves is relevant. By then, it is no longer a distanced, theoretical framework regarding possible feelings. Instead, it is a real situation with real people.

Romantic feelings can also occur when the adopted person resembles the other birthparent or one's own youthful self. Regressing to the emotional dynamics of the birthparent- to- birthparent relationship or to one's departed youth can create massive emotions. It is akin to falling in love again with that other birthparent or falling in love with oneself. It may even have a piece that hangs onto the what might have been if things had been different.

None of this is pathological. It is part of the progression of traversing the years impacted by the adoption. This journey involves regression, confrontation with self and others, healing and potential growth. All of this is dependent on the participants' willingness to do the hard emotional work embodied in the search.

Finding ways to manage these complicated situations will depend on each twosome being honest about the mutual vulnerability. Again, drawing from one's own experiences of setting limits brings it into more familiar territory and makes it more manageable.

Many will report that an awareness arises regarding needs within themselves of unexpected proportions. This is often surprising for those who felt adoption was of manageable proportions prior to the search. Many will admit that it was too risky to admit these needs, especially if there was no chance of meeting them.

Commitment

The searcher explores his commitment to following through when contact is accepted by the searched. There are those who, when faced with the reality of going forth, get fearful and back out. While this does not constitute the majority, it can be very painful for the other party who has made himself emotionally vulnerable by opening the door to contact. This does not mean a lifetime

The Preparation Page 27

vulnerable by opening the door to contact. This does not mean a lifetime agreement to stay in touch. It represents a responsive exchange for a least a period of time which allows the relationship to be explored.

One way to safeguard against over commitment, is to proceed without making an overabundance of promises. Those found often will express a fear of being dropped once they have opened their hearts and revisited their emotions related to the adoption. The fear of losing one another again so more than some are willing to risk.

Telling Family and Friends

Support during a search can come from many sources. Exploring who is being told about the search allows the searcher to assume control over this decision. It is his right to decide the timing and to whom he entrusts this personal journey. Both birthparents and adopted persons are often reduced to childlike status in adoption related matters. A point in fact is that neither can even do his own search. There aren't other life situations where this would be the case.

Telling adoptive parents is frequently difficult for adopted adults. They usually will say that they don't wish to hurt their parents. A closer examination reveals that there is also a fear of losing these parents in light of the loss of the original ones. While cognitively it may be clear that this is not likely to happen, emotionally the risk feels too great. Focusing on his adulthood and accompanying right to choose (do) whatever he wishes, can be very empowering for an adopted person. When ready, feeling powerful enough to tell them without asking for permission, (as a child might do), he will better recognize the strengthening within. He is then better able to absorb that he does have a right to respond to his needs. Additionally, he can allow his parents to own and manage their emotions and needs. This mutual respect of boundaries impacts on the redefinition of the relationship from an enhanced adult perspective.

Mark, 33 years old, asked for information from within his adoption file. He wanted to learn as much as he could about his birth family. Two years later, after taking time to digest the information he had received, he asked for search assistance. He did not wish to share this step he was taking with his parents. He had concerns about upsetting them and was not willing to risk this. The search was completed and contact was established with his birthmother and birthfather. During the course of these events, he often discussed the timing and apprehensions about telling his parents with the agency professional. There was a great deal of exploration about the possible outcomes of telling them and how he might respond to whatever their reaction.

The Preparation Page 28

After the completion of his search and after giving himself the time to process this major life event, he told his parents in person. To his amazement, they responded positively. They did not exhibit any hurt and were very understanding of the is need to pursue the contact. Having allowed himself the time to consider his choices, Mark found himself in a strengthened position by the time he told them about the search. If they had responded with anger or distress, he would have of course, been disappointed However, by this time, he felt he could handle whatever the reaction. Even the telling is managed more competently when one is delivering it from a more adult perspective.

Birthparents also experience fear of telling their parents, spouses and children about their lost/found child. Here too, the fear of losing relationships can be overwhelming. They already are cognizant of the massive effect of losing a child. Risking further loss requires calling up a courage of tremendous magnitude. Allowing each birthparent the power to determine the timing of the telling and helping with anticipatory practice can strengthen a frightened (vulnerable) birthparent. Shame, a long time companion, can begin to dissipate as a coming out of the closet occurs. With each telling, the head is held higher and self esteem grows.

In most instances, the mates and children are accepting of the news. Husbands and wives often have to process the sexual intimacy that occurred with someone else. Even when they had knowledge about the adoption, a new level of reality exists when the adoptee enters the picture. Children of birthparents often ask why the news was not shared before. Most are glad to incorporate another sibling. When there is a negative response, it often has to do with realigning their image of their parent. It also frequently involves feelings of vulnerability that the new arrival will displace their status in their parents' hearts. Birth order by definition becomes modified. Most of these situations are reconciled with time.

Whatever the outcome of sharing a search, the searcher is well served when he has had a chance to look at the ramifications of telling others. There is no way to be certain of anyone's reaction. Therefore, the more entitled the searcher feels to pursue a search, the better he will handle significant others.

Defining the Relationship Through Names and Titles

Familial titles such as mother, father, son, daughter tend to be loaded in the adoption experience. Loyalty struggles abound for adopted persons. What does he call his birthmother, birthfather , aunts and uncles? Through his choice of vocabulary he allows, (or doesn't), himself to claim his family of origin, to

The Preparation Page 29

vocabulary he allows, (or doesn't), himself to claim his family of origin, to belong. Giving him permission to use whatever vocabulary he chooses, gives him yet another opportunity to try out whatever feels comfortable at the moment. Some will alternate a first name with a parental type word like "mom". Allowing himself the right to legitimately belong to both trees, birth and adoptive, may take time. Being claimed is also central to the adopted person's experience. Many report an internal conflict about the right to even exist. This is very existential and emotional in nature. It seems to relate to a primal experience when the birthmother couldn't acknowledge her child in uteri &/or after birth. This was her way of surviving emotionally the impending loss of her child. Nobody understood the impact of this on the developing child.

Therefore, being acknowledged through the search has a tremendous healing capacity. Taking it one step further, most adopted people are not willing to be anybody's secret after a search. Shame is part of the adopted person's script as well. There is shame in feeling rejected and not worthy of being kept within the original family fold. The child within assumes the blame for this situation. Diminishing or ridding oneself of these feelings, creates a previously elusive strengthening.

Birthparents also struggle with the entitlement to claim their child. The break in the relationship created by the legal process divested them of their motherhood/fatherhood in relation to this child. This often extends into the next generation especially in relation to grandchildren. The grandparent title is sometimes reserved for the adoptive grandparents complicated by loyalty issues. It often is up to the adopted person as to what the birth family will be called. Therefore, being claimed with family titles is another way to allow entitlement.

A sense of healing and wholeness after contact is reported consistently by both parties. Adopted persons speak about feeling a part of the planet instead of feeling like an alien from outer space. A sense of being grounded is typically expressed. The roots that hold trees tall and strong, do the same for the adopted persons. Having access to one's source is everyman 5 right. The preparation process dovetails into the processing of these and other topics as they arise during the course of the search and reunion. Being able to recognize issues as they present themselves, allows the professional to be of assistance to both the searcher and the found person during the time period of his involvement.

Pasted from

The Preparation Page 30

<http://f1.grp.yahoofs.com/v1/8FnxS0mauwBrDYMX6jlg6eeylxGyR6O6P-7gkDKHVTrzlJFH1Paz50tMIbWY_u05bB6A5_xjpOYGkhQj4w/CCTriad%20Social%20Worker%20Handbook/H.Preparing%20the%20searcher%20for%20what%20may%20occur%20>

The Preparation Page 31

THE HOW TO'S OF SEARCHING

The agency file is the central resource for doing a search. That is why updating information, whenever either party makes an approach is so vital. Current information contained in the file can shorten a search considerably. It also provides knowledge about probable availability to contact.

When organizing the available information, helpful content will include full names, birthdays, addresses, school and church affiliation and who knew about the adoption. Each state has its own rules for what type of vital statistics records are open to the public. Learning one's own state is vital. At the same time, mobility leads to searches around the country. Therefore, learning basic searching techniques while checking for variations around the country is relevant.

There is not just one way to begin or complete a search. Each person will define priorities regarding the order of steps to be taken. Attention will be paid to making the search as cost efficient as possible for the client. Being knowledgeable about resources and how to use them is central to this. The majority of the work is typically done by telephone. There is seldom a need to go on location to uncover the whereabouts of a sought party. Sometimes records are obtained that require written communication and a fee. Each searcher will develop experience that will guide his decision making about these expenditures.

Typical Resources

The most typical resources for searching include birth, death and marriage records, city directories, telephone books and directory assistance, motor vehicle records, voter registration and church records. Sometimes there is a need to pursue more obscure means such as property, title, probate or census records. While most searches produce the desired results of locating the sought party, occasionally a quest may prove lengthy and costly. Each professional will define a cut off point which is determined by common sense and by funds assigned by the client.

Birth Records

Birth records are usually found at the county and/ or state level. Each state will have its own rules for who may obtain information contained in birth records. Data that

How to Conduct a SearchMonday, May 17, 2010

11:01 AM

How to Conduct a Search Page 32

its own rules for who may obtain information contained in birth records. Data that could be helpful in these documents includes the maiden name of the mother, the name of the father, their ages at the time of the birth, address, profession of parents and their state of birth. Many agency files will already have this information. However, there are time periods when the practice of the day was to gather minimal information and pursuing this data becomes vital.

Death Records

Death records are among the most useful in the search process. Especially when seeking birthparents, it is wise to check for the deaths of their parents. The Social Security Death Index provides birth and death dates, where benefits were sent and the social security number which identifies what state it was obtained in. This index is available on disc and through databases which will be discussed later. Once a death is located, seeking the obituary, funeral home and perhaps the cemetery, is next. The obituary provides next of kin, married names of offspring, sometimes locations of offspring, church affiliation, funeral home and cemetery.

Many main libraries have death indexes and can locate an obituary easily. When that is not the case it may be necessary to get a death certificate. This can be time consuming as some states take lengthy periods to respond. There is also a fee for obtaining these documents. Sometimes it is possible to pay an additional fee using a credit card in order to expedite the processing of the request. In small towns, it is often more cost and time effective to locate the funeral home or the cemetery. Both funeral homes and cemeteries are usually helpful in giving information about the deceased and his family. Sometimes obituaries will be on file, providing more current information than that found in the agency file.

Marriage Records

Marriage records are important resources especially when seeking women, whose names change. County and state level offices often house these records. A large proportion of people marry in the home territory of the bride so that is usually a safe place to begin to look. Learning the name of the spouse adds significant data. Sometimes obtaining a marriage announcement is indicated in order to get names of kin, wedding party, church affiliation etc. Paying attention to the fact that there is a high incidence of divorce, will diminish the chance of following around a name that was previously shed. This is particularly the case when searching for a birthmother who may have married very soon after the adoption. Marriages that blossom during this period often suffer from the impact of the adoption and don't survive. Rushing to have subsequent children does not remove the anguish related to the missing child. Therefore, more than one marriage may need to be sought.

How to Conduct a Search Page 33

In some areas, a marriage record will include current and previous marriages, providing an expanded amount of information. It offers the opportunity to contact people who knew the person being sought. Even when a marriage has ended, it is not unusual for a previous mate to know the whereabouts of a former spouse. Discretion will be used depending on the role (adoptee or birthparent) of the person one is seeking. The application for the marriage license sometimes is available. It often includes the address at the time, age, names of parents and state of birth. This can be very helpful for expanding the radius of the search, especially when the agency file is not complete.

City Directories

City directories cross reference names and addresses of heads of households for cities and towns. Old editions are usually housed at main libraries and state archive libraries. Current volumes may be found at general branches. Many times it is possible to get information over the phone. The name listings are arranged alphabetically and provide address, place of employment and spouse. The address listings of the city directory provide the name of the resident, his employment and his spouse. This resource also provides the neighbors of the people at a given address.

City directories are useful for following the movement of people through the years, to discover the name of the residents when one only has an address and vice versa. Sometimes agency files contain the name and address of a birthparent but lack information about her parents. The city directory can be of assistance here. Sometimes the disappearance of a listing may signal a move or a death. These clues can be very helpful in locating the desired parties. When doing a search, locating libraries with city directories from many cities and for various time periods becomes relevant. Genealogy and state archive libraries are excellent resources for these. Again, sometimes assistance is available by telephone and sometimes only through correspondence. The latter can be a very slow path to getting information and may require pursuing an alternate path of discovery.

Newspapers

The most typical use for newspapers in a search is to locate an obituary. Many libraries will look these up when a death date is provided. When the library has a death index, it can even locate information about members of a family in a time efficient manner. Local level libraries have newspapers on microfilm for their area and in some cases, adjoining areas. Main libraries, state libraries and universities tend to be the custodians of newspapers (on microfilm) from diverse geographical areas.

How to Conduct a Search Page 34

areas.

Main libraries with genealogy divisions can guide a searcher towards other libraries with the desired resources.

Telephone Books and Directory Assistance

Current and old telephone books are tools frequently used in searching. Outdated telephone books are usually found at main libraries and archive libraries. Cross referencing information found through other sources can confirm whether one is on the right track or it can unearth new information. For example, a record may contain a birthmothers address but no names for her parents. The telephone book may yield the father's name at that address. Since many birthparents resided with their parents at the time of the pregnancy, this information can lead to the expedient completion of the search.

Directory assistance can expand the knowledge base significantly. Helpful operators will sometimes scan entire area codes for a sought name. When unpublished numbers surface, they are able to confirm the name and address connected to the unpublished number. This means that though an unpublished number will not be given out, that confirmation of a current address for the sought party can occur. Decisions will then be made on how to proceed.

In some instances, telephone companies will contact the person with the unpublished number and ask him to contact the professional. Usually it will suffice to state that the need relates to an urgent family matter. Discretion will be used in pursuing this avenue on a case by case basis. The risk here is the possibility of involving other household members, which would typically not be desirable. Calls of this nature raise anxiety and curiosity and should be used cautiously.

Nationwide telephone directories can be purchased on CD-ROMs or can be accessed through providers such as the CSRA or the Internet. These are updated regularly and offer the opportunity to scan the whole country for the sought name.

Voter Registration Records

Voter registration records are of great value both in the location and verification of information. These most often contain married and maiden names, date 'of birth, state of birth, address and other registered voters at that address. It is usually possible to obtain information by phone. The records are usually housed at the county court level. In some instances a written request is required when inquiring about registered voters. When possible, sending a fax will speed the process.

How to Conduct a Search Page 35

Motor Vehicle Records

Each state has its own guidelines for whether motor vehicle records are obtainable by the general public. When available, these provide a current address when the name and birth date of the sought party is known. In some instances it is possible to obtain the information provided on the application form. This may include a place of birth and parents' names.

Church Records

Many churches maintain records regarding their members. This can include birth, baptismal, marriage and death records. They frequently also have present and past directories of their membership. When a family leaves a church, the name and location of the receiving church may be contained in their records. This then, will identify the new area of residence. In some cases, church staff and members may have information about the family being sought. There will be variability about what information they will provide to non members.

School Records

The most useful school records are those at the college and university level. While available information will vary from place to place, the registrar's office will usually confirm and/or provide the years of attendance, degree obtained, and address while a student. The alumni office may also provide this information. Additionally, a current address may be on file. Some campuses cross reference maiden and married names, providing these upon request. Records from primary and secondary schools are not easily available. There are schools that will confirm a graduation date and over relevant information. Directories of students tend to be accessible as public information and as such, may be helpful.

Other Resources

There are a variety of other resources that are available but typically used less frequently. Among these would be divorce, probate, property and tax records. Additionally, there are a large number of professions that require a license to practice. State licensing boards usually will provide at least the professional address and telephone number of the licensee. This information is useful when the state of residence is known but the exact location is not.

Census records are used on occasion when information contained in the agency file is limited and the search goes back many years. Contained in these records will be names and ages of people who lived in the household, name of spouse and

How to Conduct a Search Page 36

names and ages of people who lived in the household, name of spouse and occupation. This can be a cumbersome search tool with limitations because census records are sealed for 75 years. There are records associated with the military that can be helpful in a search. The most accessible tend to be the ones with the Veteran's Administration. One can learn the branch and years of service. If the person is deceased they will provide additional information. Each step of a search, determinations will be made about which resource to pursue which will bring about the desired result. It makes sense to use techniques that are most often successful and then move to the more obscure ones.

Computer Data Bases

Computer technology is evolving rapidly. There are services that are on line which integrate voter registration and motor vehicle records, city and telephone directories and more. Using data bases of this sort can be very time and cost effective. They are available on a state by state and national basis. The caution here, is to build discernment as overuse can prove to be very costly. Computer data bases are usually a logical place to start to search since so much information is gathered in a composite manner about a large number of individuals. It is still important to know how to use the other searching techniques. This is especially the case when there is no information about the desired party within the data base or there are so many possible candidates that narrowing down which one is correct is too costly.

Pasted from <http://f1.grp.yahoofs.com/v1/8FnxS22eFUNrDYMXE6tFpnu1LIDa9tr2ppE63qBzqo9sp82hgqmgHUOHNSbMDritEt_IAkCzF9UZBobELQ/CCTriad%20Social%20Worker%20Handbook/How%20to%20conduct%20a%20search%20>

How to Conduct a Search Page 37

MAKING CONTACT WITH THE SOUGHT PARTY

Preparation for contact will be provided both to the searcher and to the sought/found party. This will occur during the course of the professional's involvement and before direct contact is established. Issues particular to each person's role will be examined as well as those particular to the other triad members' roles. The goal is to assist all involved in expanding their horizons beyond their own experience and understanding. By providing an opportunity for anticipatory thinking, the evolving relationship is better managed by those involved. Again, each agency will define how resources and education are made available to clients in order to minimize requirements and controls. At the same time, attention will be paid to sound professional involvement.

Making Contact with the Adopted Adult

When a search has been completed and the desired party found, making an approach carefully is central to long term outcomes. Each triad member will have his own issues to deal with. Incorporating this awareness into the contact, will convey a sensitivity that may set the tone for what evolves.

A first contact with an adopted person can usually be safely made by telephone at his home. Confidentiality issues don't typically exist in relation to others knowing the person is adopted.

Calling during day time hours allows the person to check out the affiliation of the caller if he wishes to. Otherwise, a call in the evening or weekend is acceptable. When the invitation for contact is extended, the adoptee may need time to consider. Giving him options regarding the pacing for contact allows him some control over how the steps will be taken. When time is needed to consider the invitation, the professional has to maintain a balance between serving the requesting party and being appropriately responsive to the found party. There are people who need time to digest the significance of the approach. Demonstrating a respect for this will serve all parties well.

Some adopted people are overjoyed that their birthparents have initiated the search. There are also those who feel out of control yet one more time in their

Making ContactMonday, May 17, 201011:02 AM

Making Contact Page 38

search. There are also those who feel out of control yet one more time in their adoption journey since the search was not under their direction. Being sensitive to this can discharge the potential for non participation.

When telephone contact is not possible, a letter may be sent. It is recommended that it be kept brief so that elaboration can occur when there is a conversation. For example, the letter may provide the affiliation of the professional and a brief message requesting the person to contact the agency.

One of the most usual concerns when contacting an adopted person is whether he knows he is adopted. For that reason, it is not advisable to plunge into a search focused conversation. It is wise to first feel out his awareness of his adoption. An easy entree is to identify oneself with the agency that arranged the adoption and to ask if that organization means anything. A negative response does not automatically mean he doesn't know he's adopted. Continuing the line of verification will require caution. While most people know they are adopted, there is a percentage that do not.

There are those who have not been told, but have suspected that they were adopted. Nonetheless, caution is indicated, as being told on the telephone by a stranger is very traumatic. In cases where the person does not appear to know, it may be advisable to contact the adoptive parents. There are many fully self supporting adults living at their adoptive parents' homes. Decisions will be made as to how to approach them when they are the ones being searched for. Letters may be sent to both the adoptive parents and the adopted adult so as to not violate the home of the adoptive parents by going behind their back or excluding them. This does not mean that if the adoptive parents are opposed to a reunion that the agency will discontinue its efforts to communicate the options to the adopted person. This approach is an effort to balance respect of boundaries involving the prior client (adoptive parents) within their home while allowing the adopted person to decide on his own behalf.

The truth of the matter is that these situations are complex. When adoptive parents are supportive, the management of the case becomes simplified. When they are opposed, the adopted adult is potentially thrown into a loyalty conflict which may obstruct his ability to enter into contact. Again, the professional offers options. Each found person has to determine what he is able to handle, facing the realities in his life.

The agency professional serves as the intermediary in offering the contact. If the sought party does not wish to participate, then he honors that. It is possible to offer a continuum of possible contact that may eventually lead to a direct link. For example, this may include letter writing through the agency or speaking on

Making Contact Page 39

For example, this may include letter writing through the agency or speaking on the telephone using a three way call.

Making Contact with a Birthmother

Establishing contact with a found birthmother requires careful attention to confidentiality issues. Approximately 90% of birthmothers are open to contact. However, reaching that stage of readiness may take some time. Among the most difficult considerations for birthmothers are those of telling husbands and children.

It is quite common for birthparents to say that they have not discussed the adoption through the years with others, not even their parents. Invariably the relationship with their parents is impacted as silence governs through the years.

When the adopted person reenters the picture, there is typically a healing within the birthparent's family. This happens as secrecy is eliminated when contact occurs. Communication between the birthparent and her parents usually contributes to this. Whenever possible, it is recommended that birthmothers be telephoned during the day. Keeping the call informal in tone, makes it more possible for her to maintain her privacy in case her family is not aware of the adoption. Once it is verified that she is the person on the line, then a gradual revelation of the nature of the call allows her to convey her ability to talk with the agency representative.

Asking yes/no questions allows her greater freedom to respond. Statements conveying that the call relates to a personal matter allows her the chance to indicate that the professional may continue. Asking her at regular intervals if it is still a good time to talk, gives her the safety to speak at a better time.

In the event that a telephone call is not possible, then a written communication may be an option Using plain stationery is advisable. The nature of the message is best kept very simple so that anyone reading the letter would not know that it relates to an adoption. Attention paid to her protection is vital.

When the agency file indicates that her parents or siblings know about the adoption, it may be necessary to engage their assistance to contact her. The risk here is that the relatives may make decisions on behalf of the birthmother or convey an incorrect or slanted message. This usually happens because family members wish to protect the birthmother.

Since years before, birthmothers often ceded to parental pressure to pursue an adoption, giving them the chance to make a decision without outside pressure is

Making Contact Page 40

adoption, giving them the chance to make a decision without outside pressure is appropriate. As an adult and a central party, that is her right.

Making Contact with a Birthfather

As previously stated, there are a percentage of birthfathers who are incorrectly named in agency files. For that reason, caution is vital when approaching him. It is optimum to seek out the birthmother first when a search is initiated by an adopted person. This allows the opportunity to verify~ the birthfather's identity. Sometimes, even with this step of caution, an incorrect person is contacted. A birthmother may truly believe the person she named is the correct one. However, there are times when there were more than one partner and she wishes it were the one she named. This conflict is often expressed by birthmothers faced by this dilemma.

There will be times when the birthmothers is not open to contact and is not willing to confirm the birthfather. If there is a named father within the file, pursuing a search for him based on that record is appropriate. When there is a question about the identity of the birthfather, alerting the adopted person and the possible birthfather is critical. DNA testing may be indicated. Additionally, preparation and support of both parties includes an assessment of the willingness to risk emotionally. Reconciling oneself to the truth of a mistaken father/child link is very difficult.

Jim asked for a search for his birthmother. When she was contacted. she agreed to send and receive a letter, but refused further contact. She did verify' the name of the birthfather contained in the agency file.

Jim asked that his birthfather, Dan, be contacted. This request was acted upon and Dan was found soon thereafter. Dan indicated that he had never been told about Jim. In spite of the shock, he was willing to pursue contact. Because there were details in the file pertaining to Dan that were wrong, the contact was made with great caution. There was the possibility that he had been incorrectly named

Both men agreed that DNA testing would be done to ascertain their relationship. Even through this period of uncertainty they began to establish a pleasant relationship. It was a conscious decision on their part, with a conscious awareness of the risk

The DNA testing concluded that Dan was not Jim's birthfather. Jim was devastated as he at least felt he had made contact with one side of the is birth family tree. He also began to feel a tremendous amount of anger. Having tried to be respectful of the birthmother's privacy, he now felt he needed to do

Making Contact Page 41

be respectful of the birthmother's privacy, he now felt he needed to do something to get the correct information. Up until this point the agency professional had been involved in processing the happenings. Jim decided to search for his birthmother himself (It is appropriate for each person to decide his own course of action and the professional in no way interfered with this.)

He successfully found her and was able to obtain the name of the other possible father. He again enlisted the assistance of the agency professional to locate and contact this other person.

This anecdote illustrates the many ramifications of incorrectly named birthfathers. The emotional havoc and risk that accompanies this cannot be underestimated. At the same time, it is not indicated to withhold services for fear of complicated outcomes. Risk assessment and support of the participants allows the involved parties to decide what they wish to handle. Sensitivity to the birthmother is also relevant because it brings to light, years later, a sexual history from her past. Whatever privacy can be afforded her, will safeguard the relationship with her child and others in her life.

There are many named birthfathers who never were told of the adopted child. Sometimes agency files will reflect whether this is the case. When the birthmother has already been included in a contact, she can provide information about the man's knowledge. All of this will play a part in how the exchange will proceed with him. When it is possible to determine the place of employment of the birthfather, contact there tends to be a safer way to approach. It affords him some privacy to discuss the matter without jeopardizing his marriage. It allows him to consider entering into contact and to convey whether being called at his home is acceptable.

When it is necessary to call him at his home, asking for him when he does not answer the phone, requires great care. This is especially so if the caller is a woman. Each person being approached has the right to privacy and to determine when and how to tell others. Safeguarding this in an ethical manner is essential. This will usually mean identifying oneself by name when asked, but not by affiliation. The intent here is not to misrepresent, but rather to offer confidentiality to the birthparent.

If there is substantial probing by the person answering the telephone, judgment will have to be used as to what is revealed. Risk assessment is continuous. There may be situations where one says that the call pertains to a personal matter. Needless to say, this will raise curiosity and risk. There will be times when the risk is felt to be too high in the effort to maintain confidentiality and the best course is to hang up. These considerations will apply to a birthmother call as

Making Contact Page 42

course is to hang up. These considerations will apply to a birthmother call as well. The focus is to reach the sought party without revealing the nature of the call to third parties.

It is not unusual for the wives of birthfathers to initially doubt the veracity of their paternity. Proof seeking is not unusual and seems to relate to a protection of their children and their children's assets. As with the birthmother and her mate, each couple will make internal decisions about how to handle a request for contact. There will be times when the couple will seek guidance, preparation and support from the agency professional. In this manner, whatever is mutually agreed upon by the participants, is facilitated.

Handling Information about Birthparents

When the professional has contact with both birthparents, it is not unusual for there to be curiosity and/ or questions in both directions. It is not appropriate to share information unless permission is obtained.

Emotions May Distort What Is Heard

When the professional is doing a search, his emotional level is understandably more in equilibrium compared to the adopted person or the birthparent. After all, he is acting on someone else's behalf. A search is a pinnacle for the triad members and it is very typical for emotions to be so heightened that much of what is said is forgotten and/or distorted. This especially occurs during the first few conversations. Reiterating content during the conversation or afterwards, in writing, may be desirable.

For those hesitant to accept contact, distortion may also occur. Maintaining case notes regarding what is discussed on the telephone and in person, is particularly important if a problem arises about what was said.

When Contact is Refused

While the vast majority of triad members are open to contact, there are those who refuse. The intermediary will evaluate to what degree the door is open for future calls or letters that he might initiate. If the contacted person conveys that no further contact is desired, that must be respected.

Communicating the refusal to the searcher is difficult. The feelings of rejection are typical and profound. A responsive approach would include referral to other possible sources of help. Sometimes the passage of time makes contact possible. Additionally, sometimes when the searcher represents himself he may have a

Making Contact Page 43

Additionally, sometimes when the searcher represents himself he may have a different outcome. Turning the decision making to the searcher then, is appropriate.

Lisa asked that her birthmother; Janie be contacted Janie emphatically refused contact. There was no leeway for a future approach. She was not interested in sending or receiving letters and said she would obtain an unpublished telephone number promptly

As a result, Lisa asked that her birthfather befriend. When he was, he said he had no idea a child had been adopted and doubted he was the father. He was, However ; willing to accept a letter and picture from Lisa. She waited 3 years to follow up on this. She said she wasn't sure why, but she had put it off and now, 3 years later asked the agency professional to re-contact the named birthfather.

This time he said he was not willing to accept a letter or pictures because there was no point. He said that he knew he was not the birthfather. The conversation was pleasant, but he was firm. Lisa was devastated She asked for one more contact in the hope that he at least would look at the pictures and tell her if she looked like her birthmother. She also wanted any information he would tell her about her birthmother.

The conversation with the birthfather had been cordial enough that the profess-ional felt it appropriate to call him again with Lisa's request. This time he conveyed he was too busy to talk something he had not said before. The professional told him Lisa had asked that a question be asked of him. He did not convey any interest in her question. Furthermore, he was very busy and didn't know when he would have time to talk again. ft was clear the door was shut.

Lisa was again devastated but it would not have been appropriate for further contact to be initiated by the agency professional. Lisa was referred to other resources to pursue her quest.

Helping professionals have the tendency to want to do something to make things better. However, at this point, further efforts with the birth family would not be appropriate. The professional has to know when to back off. One can offer support services and referral to other resources so the searcher can pursue the quest further when ready.

Pasted from <http://f1.grp.yahoofs.com/v1/8FnxS_JSMllrDYMXpKGh-2nunw8rNgKABJnE1UIubIGxUr0z_SIBv8FDVLC87nivvlL9O5YIXi6G3Krh6Q/CCTriad%

Making Contact Page 44

E1UIubIGxUr0z_SIBv8FDVLC87nivvlL9O5YIXi6G3Krh6Q/CCTriad%20Social%20Worker%20Handbook/I.%20Making%20contact%20with%20sought%20party%20>

Making Contact Page 45

MEDIATING CONTACT

When contact has been made and accepted, the participants will define when they are ready to enter into direct communication. The role of the professional until this happens is that of mediator, giving voice to both parties. It is helpful to have a letter on hand at the first approach so that the thoughts and feelings of the searcher begin to be heard. The more the communication is between the principals, the better the foundation for future understanding.

The professional will still be making decisions about what he will share regarding each twosome. Obtaining permission to impart the content of conversations is indicated. There will still be areas regarding confidentiality that will not be shared. Defining these will be guided by the clients and professional judgment. Helping the clients understand the difference between the professional's involvement in these scenarios in contrast to a counseling setting will diminish potential problems. Until contact is established directly between the two parties the agency professional is the voice between them. Release forms provide an avenue for making sure both parties understand the professional's role.

The professional will also be involved when there is letter writing through the agency. While in the majority of cases, letters are very appropriate and sound, awareness of their power is important. Responsible behavior by the professional may include the reading of letters prior to sending them on. This is usually done to prepare the recipient in the event of potentially difficult information. Additionally, it allows for guidance to the writer if the content is in some way inappropriate. This involvement is not meant to be controlling. It does allow the professional to be of greater assistance and more aware while he is involved in facilitating the contact. It also takes into consideration professional accountability. Defining one's area of responsibility as a facilitator will diminish potential problems and liability. The reconnection process is a highly charged life experience and building in appropriate safeguards is advisable.

During this phase, the professional will be processing issues as they arise with the participants. During the preparation, these were examined from the perspective of possibility. There is no way to predict exactly which issues will be represented for each twosome or the degree of challenge one will face in order to handle these. Being familiar with the multitude of scenarios that occur, will be of help to the participants as they become aware that these are normal and eventually,

Mediating ContactMonday, May 17, 201011:02 AM

Mediating Contact Page 46

the participants as they become aware that these are normal and eventually, manageable.

It often surprises adopted persons to witness the intensity of grieving demonstrated by birthparents. Being able to see it and feel it helps them know an anguish that they were not privy to previously. The healing nature of knowing they represented, in fact, a significant loss and were/are loved by their birthparents, is very powerful. For some, it is difficult to bear witness to this pain.

Another manifestation of birthparent grief and loss revolves around the fixation on the infant who was adopted. For some, it is very difficult to move beyond this stage. Clinging to the lost baby, it becomes difficult to witness the emancipated adult. Having lost the opportunity to nurture this infant, there is sometimes a tendency to mother the grown child. Over time, this tends to resolve itself as mourning and healing occur. As with other losses in one's life, the scars remain, but over time become more manageable. The impact of the adoption on birthparents' other children becomes more noticeable with a reunion. There are those who devote themselves completely to their children, knowing all too well the significance of the loss of the adopted child. There are also those who spend their parenting years yearning for the missing child and become emotionally unavailable to the ones they are rearing. Intertwined in this is often the feeling that one is not worthy of these other children. Thus, the impact of the adoption crosses into future generations. The reunion process allows for all these interrelationships to be redefined.

Adopted persons also grieve for the lost time and relationship. They are sometimes also surprised by the anger they feel that the adoption happened at all. This anger may be directed at the birthmother, the agency, society, even the adoptive parents who stepped in when the birthparent was unable to. Helping them examine these varied emotions, will have impact on many area of their lives.

It is quite typical for adopted persons to redefine their relationships with their adoptive parents. Many will acknowledge a shift in a positive direction no matter what the nature of the relationship prior to the search. They begin to realize that the disconnection from birthparents created a disconnection from the world. The degree and intensity is guided by each person's internal journey. Consciously looking at the impact on relationships and the ability to connect with others raises awareness significantly.

The integration of one's identity in relation to birth and adoptive families, takes time to process. The sense of self that one has lived with gets redefined as one's present and past get absorbed. Being able to belong to both worlds comfortably

Mediating Contact Page 47

present and past get absorbed. Being able to belong to both worlds comfortably takes time.

During the course of a search, the major focus for adopted persons tends to be the birthmother and siblings. The completion of the quest usually expands the family significantly as other relatives begin to feature, accepting the adopted person. Decisions will be made about when and how to meet these relatives. Exploring the significance of family and the degree of desired immersion, will play a part in the pacing.

There will be situations where contact is established exclusively between the birthparent and the adopted person. It is not unusual at the early stages to want time without others' involvement. Another angle that can occur involves relatives on either side who do not wish to participate. A focus on each person's right to decide what to do can refrain the situation. While acknowledging feelings that surface, it allows for a range of possible contact guided by each person that comes into the picture. The essence of this is the right to self determination by all involved.

An example of the fluidity of the process was demonstrated by Beverly's story.

Beverly entered into contact with her very receptive birthmother. To her disappointment, her brothers, raised by the birth mom were unwilling to get acquainted with her. She was saddened by this but concentrated on getting to know her birthmother. Two years later, she called the professional who assisted her with her search. Her dilemma now was that her brothers had finally accepted her existence and that she was having romantic feelings towards one of them. She was feeling very confused and guilty. While acknowledging the feelings, the reframing involved finding strategies for diminishing vulnerability. She risked losing the relationship with her brother and her husband if she acted on her feelings. Furthermore, she did not wish to engage in an incestuous affair. It was helpful to remind her that her situation was not unusual. She did not have a shared lifetime with her brother and suddenly an intimate relationship slipped into place. Focusing on the brother/sister role and working on appropriate exchanges was the task at hand It was helpful for her to know that this stage of attraction eventually passes and that appropriate bonds evolve with time. This of course, depends on the participants' desire to work toward this end There are those who cross the incest taboo. Fortunate lye for her, a large geographical distance separated them physically Risk assessment helps in finding ways to manage the situation. She had to make decisions about whether she could maintain contact while she was having such intense feelings. For many, distancing is helpful. There are those who share what is happening in order to bring this out into the open. Examining what was going on in her marriage of3 years was also

Mediating Contact Page 48

into the open. Examining what was going on in her marriage of3 years was also relevant.

In a multitude of ways, the adopted person represents the youth of the birthparent. He may look like the birthfather and set off unresolved feelings. Dealing with the past and facing the present through processing will help in the definition of the present relationships.

Fantasies about and/or residual anger toward the other birthparent may also present themselves. There are those who re-ignite the relationship years later. Too frequently, though joined by the adoption, the couple did not have the opportunity to address a multitude of issues facing them at the time. Birthfathers were quickly eliminated from the adoption process or withdrew voluntarily denying paternity or fearing fatherhood.

If both parties are available to work on a current relationship, then complexities are fewer than if either is in a marriage. Helping these birthparents explore the significance of what is going on, can bring them into a realistic present instead of a recreated past. Sometimes birthmothers don't wish to share the found child (now adult) with the birthfather. Whether because of the history surrounding the adoption or the desire to keep the adoptee to herself, this can become a point of contention.

Allowing the adopted adult to make a connection with the birthfather diminishes power struggles. It is not necessary for either birthparent to locate the other. When the adopted person obtains the identity from the birthparent who was found first, he is perfectly capable of pursuing the next search himself if he wishes, and most do. This does not compromise the agency. When a birthparent will not share the identity of the other, the agency professional can continue his involvement and do the search. The point here is to not block the capacity for client self determination when he can access information on his own and conduct his own search. Balancing each person's needs in relation to all those who surround him can be a massive task. Sorting through one's needs versus everyone else's needs can be very exhausting. Loyalty struggles for adopted persons are not unusual as they make decision about how and to what degree to include their adoptive families. Sometimes adoptive parents feel hurt by a search and create severe guilt feelings in the adoptee. Reconciling these loyalty tugs is very challenging.

To what degree one attends to personal needs, is determined by the ability to juggle all these complicated interrelationships. Helping participants examine options and possible outcomes is part of the processing while the professional is involved. Ultimately, each person decides his own course of action.

Mediating Contact Page 49

involved. Ultimately, each person decides his own course of action.

Money Matters

The role of money in the reunion process deserves special mention. It has the capacity to be a non intrusive subject or to be a source of problems. The more the financial situation is matched in the reunited pair, the less likely it is that conflict will arise. Additionally, there are situations that tend to tolerate financial generosity and others that don't. During the early stages of getting acquainted, gift giving is very normal. Especially when the first meeting occurs, both parties tend to bring a meaningful gift. Among the very typical items are stuffed animals and pieces of jewelry. It is recommended that gifts be of moderate value. Extremely expensive gifts, especially when received by the adopted person, tend to be read as a gesture in buying that person's affection. While this reaction is not universal, it is frequently reported. Additionally, major gifts can put a strain on a spouse or parents that are not able to fund such items.

It is desirable that travel expenses for a first meeting be handled by the adopted person and the birthparent, themselves. However, this is an expense that is frequently picked up by one of the two. It does not seem to jeopardize the relationship when this happens as long as large financial disbursements don't continue. When either party is much better off than the other, there is a temptation to be over generous and take care of the found person's financial needs. This has consistently proven to be a serious problem as it interferes with the development of these highly complex relationships. It is hard work to define what place triad members will have in each other's life. Money creates the potential for control issues to be present and for use and abuse. It is recommended that gift giving, beyond the first visit, be limited to the usual occasions when gifts are exchanged. This would include birthdays and holidays such as Christmas.

This dynamic is demonstrated by the following anecdotes

Thomas, a birthfather who was a high powered attorney located his son, age 20. Jimmy had been raised in an upper middle class family with many comforts. When Thomas contacted Jimmy, he and his parents were receptive to getting acquainted. Almost immediately Thomas invited Jimmy to visit him, funding the trip. Before long, other trios follow wed to exotic vacation places. Thomas also sent Jimmy large cash gifts ($500). In his enthusiasm to create a relationship with Jimmy, Thomas went overboard with material gifts. Within just few months, the entire contact ended Jimmy accepted the trips and the money at the beginning but he began to feel bought by his overbearing birthfather, and backed out. Loyalty issues also were represented in this case, because the large sums of

Mediating Contact Page 50

Loyalty issues also were represented in this case, because the large sums of money man jested an overstepping of boundaries in relation to the adoptive parents. It was not appropriate for him to pour funds into this family unit. The parents were the ones providing for Jimmy and the message somehow was interpreted that they were not doing enough for their son.

Had Thomas waited to develop a more trusting, and established relationship, the outcomes might have been different as in Janie's case.

Jan and her adoptive parents entered into contact with her birthmother and the maternal grandparents. Both families expended a great deal of energy building a foundation for a long term relationship. They went through the stages of learning about each other, go mg from fantasies to realities. Visits occurred in both directions, with a growing number of shared memories. The birth family was much wealthier than the adoptive family As time passed, there were substantial gifts to Jan By the time these were given to her, there was a definite family link between both families. The gifts were given with everyone's awareness that there were no strings attached The nature of the relationship and the level of the communication made that clear. The love bond was firm in place and that allowed wed for the gift giving to remain appropriate. If at any time, there had been a feeling that money was in the way this rejoined family unit would have handled the situation. They communicated clearly and honestly, important characteristics in respectful relationships. Remembering that in all families and friendships money manners have to be handled delicately may prevent situations such as Thomas' and build more like Janie

While the above anecdotes elaborate on the scenario of birthparents who are better off than their adopted offspring, the same considerations exist when it is the other way around.

Pasted from <http://f1.grp.yahoofs.com/v1/8FnxS9NXMSRrDYMXcGV29HJoWMO_XU94HkMS9IKdFF2Dkn8yhplE0rcbKwROH4V6od4xJ5KwUWVl76UQsw/CCTriad%20Social%20Worker%20Handbook/J.%20Mediating%20>

Mediating Contact Page 51

LEGAL RELEASE FORMS

It protects the agency to have release forms for liability and for the release of identities. These are sent to the searcher with the packet of search information. The timing for sending them to the found party will be determined by that person's willingness to receive the forms. Especially when dealing with someone who is hesitant, hurried sending of the release forms can be interpreted as pressure.

Once direct contact is desired by the participants, it is usual for there to be a massive hurry to proceed. Caution must be exercised to have the releases in place because once the contact occurs, the participants have other areas of focus and paperwork for the agency is usually low on the priority list.

Occasionally, direct contact will be established when only one person wishes to disclose his identity. In such cases it is recommended that release of liability be received from both parties and release of confidentiality from the one willing to disclose his identity. Usually, these situations have to do with control issues on the part of the person who is unwilling to divulge his identity while the agency is involved. In most instances, self revelation happens within a short period of time.

Sharon requested a search for her birthmother. To her surprise, it was discovered that her birthparents had married They all entered into contact, with Sharon revealing her identity to them. The birthmother in particular, did not wish to divulge hers and therefore, neither birthparent did The fear was that their other adult children would learn about Sharon and react negatively Even though visits took place in the area where Sharon lived, all correspondence to the birthparents continued to go through the agency representative. Three and a half years later, the situation remained the same.

There are many adopted people who would not tolerate this one sided knowledge but Sharon was willing to. That was her decision as she wanted whatever contact was possible with her birthparents. The three principals worked out what was mutually acceptable.

Gary presented the other side of this picture. His birthmother initiated the search for him. When they decided to meet, he chose to withhold his identity.

Legal Release FormsMonday, May 17, 201011:02 AM

Legal Release Forms Page 52

search for him. When they decided to meet, he chose to withhold his identity. They met at a neutral location and spent several hours getting acquainted. During the course of this time, he became comfortable with sharing his identity. These situations require a large amount of respect of boundaries and non pressuring behaviors. Given the control he needed, Gary defined the point in time when he was ready to proceed.

The role of the agency in these situations is to find ways to facilitate whatever is possible for the participants. At the same time, attention is paid to the potential liability of the agency by obtaining the necessary release forms.

Pasted from <http://f1.grp.yahoofs.com/v1/8FnxS8V-YT1rDYMX3BagENNhQRzQraOvihQFgjLxYI4hYvwdc7ZlYnuNsLvUOLzFVHTUoYknqBjYKy_VLA/CCTriad%20Social%20Worker%20Handbook/K.%20Legal%20forms>

Legal Release Forms Page 53

ESTABLISHING DIRECT CONTACT

When both parties say they are ready to proceed with direct contact, identifying information is shared. This will include first and last names, address and telephone number. It is wise to make certain that both wish this disclosed even when legal release forms are in hand. Sometimes one party is ready to fully disclose his identity and the other is not. Assumptions at this point should not be made. They should be verified.

Once direct contact is established, the professional remains available as needed. Other than perhaps checking in to see how the relationship is progressing, he withdraws and allows the participants to work on building whatever is possible. To avoid the possibility of being perceived as abandoning, the professional clearly can state that while he is stepping back, that he continues to be available as a resource and a support.

Some rejoined adoptees and birthparents seek out support groups to help them through the stages that follow reunion. Reading about adoption can also be helpful before and after. There are those who simply do it on their own even when others think they could use outside help. It is important to respect the choices of the principals.

The Meeting

Once a meeting is being planned, there will be considerations about location, participants and length of visit. Agreeing to what is mutually comfortable lays foundation for clear communication. Once the plan is in process, adjustments can be made. Most people don't have any experience with the magnitude of what they are about to do, so building in some fluidity is wise.

In most instances, travel will be to the home territory of the adopted person or the birthparent. Decisions will be made as to whether a hotel will be used. Sometimes being in the home is too intense and intimate. A hotel allows for some space if the intensity of the visit increases beyond a comfortable level. There are those who meet in a less personal environment, seeking a more neutral location. All of this works well as long as the parties are working towards what they anticipate will be

Establishing Direct ContactMonday, May 17, 201011:02 AM

Establishing Direct Contact Page 54

works well as long as the parties are working towards what they anticipate will be mutually acceptable.

Whether to include spouses, children and other relatives is relevant at this time. Most individuals seek time alone excluding others. There is usually a need to talk privately and unencumbered by worries about how these other people are doing. The juggling of relationships is complex enough throughout the course of a search and its aftermath.

When others do join in for first visits, then building some time alone becomes important. Frustration is often felt when this is not possible. These early visits have a highly personal and intimate nature and others may become/feel intrusive with their presence.

Pasted from <http://f1.grp.yahoofs.com/v1/8FnxS63I9y5rDYMXVojvzXaY9XYFrRKtfxpwPV_lrotVcmftSN12IUmE9d_ye5xdBipxJeRnpPAzCmWM3Q/CCTriad%20Social%20Worker%20Handbook/L.%20Establishing%20direct%20contact%20>

Establishing Direct Contact Page 55

STAGES OF THE RELATIONSHIP

The early stages of t he relationship tend to be very intense. It is typical for both parties to seek each other out constantly. This stage is akin to being in love when everyone seems perfect. Overdosing on each other is common. As long as the needs are mutual, there is compatibility. When one person needs large dosages of contact and the other one doesn't, Stress and frustration can result. Being aware that this is a stage that may last a few months to even a year, makes it more manageable for the participants and those who surround them.

During this period of tremendous intensity, the spouse and children of the birthparent and /or adoptee may feel displaced and jealous. A sense of vulnerability is not unusual. Equilibrium can be difficult as each person seeks to meet his own needs which are not always compatible with those of his family members. Even though this area is discussed during the preparation process, most people can't imagine themselves in this situation. Offering support and management strategies, the professional is able to assist the participants.

Betty's husband wanted to be supportive of his is wife, a newly found birthmother. He did not understand the emotions she was feeling and he was very intent on defining just how the adoptee would fit into their lives; He also was not sure that he wanted his adult children to know about her for fear of how they would react towards their mother. (This contrasted with Betty's stance that she no longer wanted to keep the secret and feel the shame). Additionally, the intense grief his wife was demonstrating was perplexing to him, especially at a time when he thought she would be happy

During a 2 hr. session with Betty and her husband, the adoption professional helped them explore the areas of concern. She also shared with them the issues that present themselves, typical stages and ingredients that contribute to positive outcomes. In a multitude of ways, she conveyed that their concerns and emotional reactions were normal. By expanding the picture with her experience base, they were able to learn more about adoption and search related dynamics. Allowing them the time to process before they jumped into a contact, gave them permission to take the time they needed as a couple to work out issues between them.

For example, the adoptee was the product of a sexual encounter with another man.

Stages of the Reunion and RelationshipMonday, May 17, 2010

11:02 AM

Stages of the Reunion and Relationship Page 56

For example, the adoptee was the product of a sexual encounter with another man. This can be a difficult reality for a spouse to face. It is one thing to be aware that a child was born and adopted. It is another level of reality to have that child appear in the flesh. It may take time to accommodate this fact and accompanying emotions.

One of the goals of the session with Betty and her husband was to help them listen to one another and communicate as clearly, respectfully and honestly as each could. This couple was able to do this and when direct contact was established, it was done with a sense of heightened comfort. While the spouse may not always be available for this type of exchange, when it is possible, it usually is helpful.

It is particularly important that clear communication and a respect of boundaries also be emphasized in the exchanges between the adopted person and the birthparent. Assumptions are often made that because one is family, that communicating with one another will be easy. Having lived apart for a lifetime requires learning to communicate. Expecting mutual understanding to occur from the beginning is unrealistic. Even though many report a similar thinking style, misunderstandings can still be problematic. It is through the sharing of time and experiences that an enhanced understanding of one another develops.

Respect of boundaries will go hand in hand as a core ingredient. Observing courteous behaviors that are present in other relationships, can serve as a guide. The reconnection process creates an atypical intimacy (given the time one has shared) which might remove some of the protocol found in growing relationships. Compounded by the issues of adoption, overstepping can easily occur in an effort to meet one's needs in large dosages. The preparation stage allows for an examination of how one handles social interactions and how this carries over to the reunion process.

The Power of the Firsts

The first letters, pictures, phone calls and visits are an intrinsic part of the intensity in the early stages. Anxiety and euphoria blend together. Each step that is taken guides the next level of contact. It is typical for telephone conversations to be several hours long. While the principals involved may find themselves totally absorbed, those who surround them may feel resentful, left out and jealous. It is often difficult for them to understand why this search has become all absorbing to their loved ones. They sometimes have a hard time understanding that this too shall pass. They feel vulnerable that the new relationship is going to take over.

Helping the newly connected persons to define their pacing without controlling, is part of the professional's role. There are those who may limit their contact to correspondence and telephone calls for an extended period of time. When finances

Stages of the Reunion and Relationship Page 57

correspondence and telephone calls for an extended period of time. When finances allow it, it is quite usual for meetings to occur fairly rapidly. The timing, duration and place are appropriately defined by the principals, not the professional. When adults are involved, it is not necessary to hold the first meeting at the agency

In a small percentage of cases, the agency is the location for the first meeting. Most often, this is due to nervousness on the part of the participants. Sometimes, using the agency as the meeting place is a self protective device in cases where there is some level of hesitation. Fear of not being accepted or liked is very typical. In most instances, the two reunited people progress to contact on their own terms and turf. Reminding them that getting acquainted takes time is always relevant. These are such emotionally laden events, that bringing them into the familiar range is helpful. Again, the professional serves as a facilitator, allowing those meeting to define the flow. Typically, most participants get comfortable with one another and continue on their own in a more private manner.

While it is desirable to lay some foundation through correspondence and telephone calls, meeting has an urgency for many, related to not losing any more time. It is recommended that visits be limited to a weekend or a long weekend. The intensity of these is such that, at the end, many find themselves emotionally exhausted and need some space to process.

The first goodbye incorporates the grief of the original one and can be very difficult. For some, this will persist for a period of time. The fear that each encounter may be the last is compounded by the reality of the years of separation that have already irretrievably passed. Assurances of continued commitment to contact will need follow through to be believed.

When the Contacted Person Backs Off Unexpectedly

There are situations encountered where the contacted person verbally commits to contact and then doesn't follow through. There may even be an approach/ avoidance pattern where it looks as though the timing is finally right and then, again, silence.

This behavior may be indicative of current problems in the person's life. For unexplained reasons, she may want to have the contact but not be able to share the reason for the hesitation. It is not unusual for this to go on for an extended period of time. Respecting boundaries while seeking understanding, can be difficult for the person awaiting contact. As long as the door remains open, it is possible to correspond in a non demanding manner or maintain whatever form of contact this person allows.

Stages of the Reunion and Relationship Page 58

Susan entered into contact with her son when they both approached the agency seeking knowledge of each other. Though Joe accepted letters from Susan and even wrote her back there was always a reason why he did not take the necessary steps that would put them into direct contact. For example, he didn't have the money to pay the agency professional for the necessary preparation session, he never got around to finding a professional in his community, and so on.

For a year and a half this pattern went on. He would intermittently contact the agency professional and say he really wanted to be in touch and was going to take the necessary steps. Then, there would be silence.

The shift happened when the birthmother wrote him that she was a recovering alcoholic and shared her struggles with this disease. He immediately responded and shared that he was having serious problems with alcohol and was about to enter a treatment pro gram. His shame about this situation and the chaos in his life had blocked his ability to enter into contact with Susan. Feeling her acceptance through the content other letter, gave him the courage to proceed immediately Rejection by her was no longer frighten in~ and the truth came out. I

The agency professional assisted Susan during the waiting time, pointing out that the delays are usually related to something amiss in the other person's life. Susan was encouraged to continue her correspondence as long as the son expressed delight when he received it, (which he consistently did). This allowed for the waiting time to be used constructively in that Susan helped her son get to know her.

Linda, a birthmother, encountered a similar situation. Her daughter sent mixed messages for 5 years. At the beginning, it seemed as though her lack of participation was because of loyalty issues regarding her adoptive parents. Later on, there were no clues, as she consistently left the door open for receiving correspondence, pictures and modest gifts.

She even wrote Linda back expressing herself warmly

Attention was paid to being respectful of whatever she could handle each step of the way If at any point she had said do not call me anymore or send any letters, the agency professional would have stopped the contact. This was not the case. Without being overbearing, contact was maintained and accepted at periodic intervals. After 5 years, she enthusiastically stated that she was ready to enter into direct contact. She sent in her release forms, accepted her birthmother '5 identifying information, and gave authorization for her identity to be released to Linda. She never explained her approach/avoidance behavior except to say her life was very busy

Stages of the Reunion and Relationship Page 59

Silence ensued She did not initiate contact with Linda. After a period of time, not wanting to overstep, Linda wrote her to set up a telephone conversation. Silence. The months passed and the silence continued There has been no resolution.

The professional appropriately stepped out of the picture, allowing the two women to work out whatever was possible. Linda could re-involve the intermediary if she chose to. The situation certainly allowed for further phone calls. Linda did not want to pressure her child with a call initiated by her. Her respect of boundaries was very strong.

These situations demonstrate some of the scenarios that present themselves where mixed messages confuse the waiting parties. Eventually the hope is that clear and honest communication will happen. Expressing an acceptance of whatever may be occurring in that person's life can be helpful. It is quite typical for there to be fears of rejection in the hesitant party. Removing these will sometimes produce a shift leading to active, direct contact.

After Perfection, Comes Reality

While the early stages of the reconnection carry the glow of met goals and the healing process, later stages begin to introduce realities about each other, not seen or permitted before. Determining what the glue for the relationship will be, is part of this stage. An examination of values, life experiences and other factors that make people compatible, will particularly come into account. As in all relationships that one enters into, time defines the degree of closeness that evolves. The early stages of the completion of a search tend to include large segments of time communicating with one another. As time passes, this intensity tends to diminish and become more like other calmer relationships. There may be prolonged periods of silence. Being able to contact one another when one wishes to, tends to reduce the anxiety of permanently losing one another again.

There will be those who establish very close and loving ongoing bonds. There are others who maintain infrequent or no contact. Enduring bonds may develop between the adopted person and birthparent and/or with extended family members. The freedom to function as others are able to in our society, adds a dimension of normalcy to rejoined people. That in itself is significant. The power to participate is in the court of those involved. This is the usual course when dealing with friends and relatives. The search creates a normalcy which previously was unattainable.

Pasted from

Stages of the Reunion and Relationship Page 60

Pasted from <http://f1.grp.yahoofs.com/v1/8FnxS7VrIlVrDYMXcbXXxWQ5PK_i0U3zTkcYq95mvh9kzXMJiQXe75W0_L_pSXtOvU_Pi39afMGPVNP7wg/CCTriad%20Social%20Worker%20Handbook/M.%20Stages%20in%20the%20reunion%20relationship%20>

Stages of the Reunion and Relationship Page 61

ESTABLISHING FEES

Fees are a reality to be dealt with when offering post adoption services. Professional time and expenses can be fairly extensive. Each organization defines what the cost will be so as to be able to support the program. Adding complexity to this subject, is the sentiment of those receiving the service. In the world of adoption, being charged for what other human beings have freely, elicits strong sentiment. Adopted persons express that their parents paid a fee for them. Why is there now another fee? Furthermore, they often feel they have been bought in the adoption transaction. Having to pay to reconnect with birth family feels outrageous to many. Birthparents also often react to the required fee. They have already given up their child for a lifetime. Many feel they were coerced by the system, their families and the agency. Being charged to reconnect is often offensive to them as well. It is important to be sensitive to these issues so as to respectfully interact with those who express negative reactions to fees. Offering choices regarding other avenues to complete one's quest, would be an option. The bottom line is that agencies wishing to provide search services, will in all likelihood charge a fee. How the agency personnel responds to the concerns of those seeking services will influence how these charges are perceived and dealt with.

Who Pays For The Search?

The person who requests the search pays for the service being requested. Agencies may charge a set fee or on a per hour plus expenses basis. A financial agreement provides an avenue for clearly expressing how the charges will be made. Reviewing this with the client diminishes the possibility of misunderstandings. While it is vitally important to offer sensitive services, it is equally important to maintain an appropriate business posture so that financial misunderstandings don't occur. This means striving to have funds in hand that continue to cover professional time and expenses. The searching process can move very quickly and use up available funds. Keeping a close estimate of accrued costs will allow programs to survive and clients to feel well served. The very fact that there are charges to provide search assistance, will prevent those who can't afford it from being served. Some agencies assign funds to respond to special situations. At the very least, referrals can be made to other sources of help. These

Establishing FeesMonday, May 17, 201011:02 AM

Establishing Fees Page 62

situations. At the very least, referrals can be made to other sources of help. These would include search groups, registries and court access. Many people are doing their searches on their own and the agency position respects whatever choice they pursue.

One way to help the searcher keep track of the time he spends talking with the professional is to put long distance calls on his own telephone bill. When the professional needs to initiate a call to him, the searcher is able to return the call. The reason this is helpful is that receiving a bill specifying time usage raises the awareness of the client about the time spent with the agency professional. When one is billing for time, accountability is important. The high emotional nature of the search tends to erase an awareness of how much time is passing otherwise. Professionals do not chit chat with clients. However, conversations on the telephone are often not perceived in the same manner as those in a counseling office. Telephone contact is more informal, but one clarifies from the beginning that all calls are billable.

Pasted from <http://f1.grp.yahoofs.com/v1/AGjxS81Ege2bpd6RqogEIaG6Re3ATyFwgH6Py6ZjnmXnAsZP_MFTY8D_L83QoseoZzj15UtQevqX9DaIEQ/CCTriad%20Social%20Worker%20Handbook/N.%20Establishing%20search%20fees%20>

Establishing Fees Page 63

CONDUCTING A SEARCH

The person doing a search will be most successful if she conveys a self confidence and knows what type of information it is possible to obtain and how. While there will be variability from place to place, there will be basic patterns of availability. Sometimes it takes multiple calls (or contacts) to get the desired information. This is especially the case when calling bureaucratic type offices. One employee may not be helpful and the next go all out to help. Searching requires persistence and creativity combined with a strong resistance to feelings of rejection. Being turned down at one information source necessitates moving to another. Searching invariably involves contact with people who are not the adoptee or the birthparent. Each person approached for information can be assessed on the basis of risk. The more removed the person is from the sought party, the less the risk of jeopardizing confidentiality.

When requesting information from institutions, it is not necessary to justify the reason for the request. A great deal of information can be amassed by simply asking for it. Public records make this possible. It becomes more delicate when contacting persons who may personally know the sought party. Confidentiality is paramount. Thinking through what kind of responses can be made in the event one is questioned about why the information is needed, is important. Maintaining an ethical and protective stance requires a comfort with the searching role. There will be situations where an inquisitive person presses for information from the professional. If it is not possible to sidestep the line of questioning, then it is better to exit the conversation, even if it means hanging up abruptly. It is better to do this than to reveal the nature of the quest to others.

Invariably, situations will occur where one wishes one had said or done something different. It is not constructive to focus on missteps except to learn how to do it better next time. There is no set way to conduct a search and its many ramifications. Sometimes people who wish to be helpful don't provide the needed information unless they are guided. For example, they may know someone died but not when or where. It may be possible to narrow down the possibilities by the questions one asks. For example, did she die in the last two years? Do you know the cemetery where she is buried? Can you think of anyone who might know? It may be safer to ask about a birthparent's parents and all their children in order to protect her confidentiality. This takes the focus off of her and generalizes the nature of the inquiry.

When seeking an adopted person, especially if it is a male whose name is unchanged

Conducting a SearchMonday, May 17, 2010

11:02 AM

Conducting a Search Page 64

When seeking an adopted person, especially if it is a male whose name is unchanged with a marriage, and the trail leads nowhere, suspect a divorce in the adoptive family. When that happens in the childhood years, the adoptive mother sometimes remarries and the new mate adopts the child. Now there is a new last name that needs to be identified. This may take longer to figure out with a female adoptee because one would expect her to have one or more married names.

The clue to this possibility with a female is the absence of marriage records in her home state. Of course, it is possible she could have married outside of the home area. Exploring the possibility of the adoptive parents' divorce would usually involve locating them. It does not mean contacting them, just verifying the theory of a different last name. One way to do this is to check voter records to find out if both adoptive parents are registered voters at the same address. Another would be to check the current (or recent) city directory, listing the head of the household and the spouse.

I Can't Give You His Number But He Can Call You Back

Another situation to be careful of involves speaking with someone who knows the sought party but is not willing to share an address or telephone number. Instead, an offer is made to notify~ the desired person and have him call the agency professional back. In these cases great caution is indicated because the caller may not be the sought party. Also, a call back to the agency may jeopardize confidentiality. The optimum situation would be a return call to the professional's personal number or to his pager. Verification of the caller's identity would then be essential.

Fake Names

The issue of fake names is most relevant in relation to birthparents. While most agency files contain correct identifying information there will be times when it has been incorrectly supplied. This will not be apparent until the search is underway and nothing seems to jive. There are many paths to discovering the correct information. One is to check for spelling variations of the names one is seeking. Bearing in mind that a variety of people provide documentation for the file, it happens that names are sometimes incorrectly written all the way to the court papers.

An example of this occurred when searching for a birthmother with a very un usual first name. Information sources were followed around to no avail. Within the file, her name was written in three different ways. The version taken to be the correct one was the one she used to sign her name. When she didn't appear anywhere, the abbreviated form other first name was searched out. Nothing surfaced. Then the possibility that she had died was explored. Neither approach yielded her whereabouts.

Conducting a Search Page 65

whereabouts.

Through continuous efforts at verifying the spelling of her very unusual name, it was finally determined that none of the ones contained in the file was correct. Once the name was properly spelled, finding the birthmother took very little time. Nonetheless, a fair amount of time had been lost because the assumption was that the information contained in the file was correct. In truth, much of the required effort was unavoidable. An alertness to the possibility of error may at least shorten the amount of wasted time and money.

Another scenario to be watchful of, though not frequent, involves the intentional provision of incorrect names and family information. Again, these situations can not be known until effort has been made to locate the desired party and nothing seems to turn up as correct. What is important in these situations is that usually there will be some shred of information that is correct. Establishing which piece that is, can be time consuming.

When Beth requested a search for her birthmother, the file was packed with case notes and family names. It seemed that it would be simple to locate her. Typical search techniques yielded nothing Information was not verifiable. Finally, one couple listed as cousins of the birthmother, turned out to be real people, though not related. Locating them, led to the acquisition of the birthmother's real name and her birth date. This important information allowed the search to continue and be completed

Conducting a search requires decision making about steps one takes and the order in which one takes them. By being aware of typical and atypical patterns, one will be better able to complete each search successfully locating the desired party.

Pasted from <http://f1.grp.yahoofs.com/v1/AGjxS8x3_Vqbpd6RKLpDK4CcPXtRENsUs3xvSOA1V2hH_fUcPvuvT58Zw0oTFkIy4wcQGFG0JtTBOfrftg/CCTriad%20Social%20Worker%20Handbook/O.%20Conducting%20a%20search%20>

Conducting a Search Page 66

DEFINING NON IDENTIFYING INFORMATION

The secrecy that guided adoptions through the years, allowed virtually no information exchange between adoptive families and birth families. As the understanding has grown about the Profound need to know, decisions are made about what is to be shared. There are regions where this is being defined quite broadly through legislation. Non identifying information can include first names contained in agency files, ages (not birth dates), state of residence and birth, occupations, religious affiliation and the name of the hospital where the birth happened. The names of schools, cities and churches are usually considered identifying information. Having lived with little or no information about one's source, adopted persons focus on obtaining as much information as possible. There is no piece of information about his birth family, that is insignificant to an adopted person . This will include case notes, forms filled out by the birthmother and her family, hospital records about prenatal care, labor and delivery and so on. All of it is meaningful. Being sensitive to that will guide practice so as to maximize what is shared. Obtaining file information, especially in written form, has a powerful effect on the adopted person. It verifies concretely that he was born of a real person and that he belongs to a birth family that really exists. Learning about the birth family and the circumstances surrounding his birth and adoption has a magnitude that non adopted persons often have trouble understanding. Whenever possible, copying directly from the file adds a valuable dimension. Seeing the handwriting of birthparents and other family members creates a significant connection. For many, it strengthens the existential nature of feeling real, so often evasive for the adopted person. Pictures found in agency files are also invaluable. Laying eyes on a birthparent's image is a profound experience. Whether there is a resemblance to the adopted person or not, it makes this significant person more real. The power of laying eyes on a relative can not be underestimated. It is a core need to know those one resembles. The power of the genes are very far reaching. Similarities may exist in the physical appearance, the thinking process, the structure of speech, talents, attitudes and more. A picture allows the adoptee to explore the face for recognition of self in the physical realm. Birthparents also seek information about their children and their adoptive families through the years. Being able to obtain file information pertaining to the time of the pregnancy, is reality basing and healing. Confidentiality is still maintained when giving prenatal care, labor and delivery records, relinquishment documents etc. Any reports, updates and pictures can be appropriately shared when last names and addresses are removed. Determinations are made at the local level about the extent of providing these. Among the documents found in agency files is the original birth certificate, which in most states is sealed at the vital statistics level when adoptions are finalized. It is appropriate to provide a copy of this document to a birthparent, (as long as it is a named birthparent), at any time. The information pertains to her and her child and in

Defining Non-Identifying InformationMonday, May 17, 201011:02 AM

Defining Non-Identifying Informatio Page 67

named birthparent), at any time. The information pertains to her and her child and in no way violates confidentiality. (The exception to this would be states where agency files are sealed at the time of the adoption.) At the completion of a search, making this document available to the adopted person is also appropriate and far reaching in its significance. Revisiting the time period of the birth and adoption will be facilitated both by file information and the search. It gives the birthparent an opportunity to rework that time period, remember forgotten memories and work towards healing the wounds of the adoption. The therapeutic nature of a shared file is very powerful. The emotional work is intense, but with support can be endured and integrated. Many birthparents will report how vividly they relive this time period. Dealing with it from the adult perspective and the passage of time, creates a healing opportunity. This is not to say that adoption related pain will disappear. However, the blending of the search and the file content allows the possibility for an enhanced peaceful coexistence with one's truth. Where secrecy and shame governed the closed adoption process, a search opens the doors to truth and the facing of one's issues. When these elements are out in the open, change in a positive direction can happen. When a search is taking place and new, updated information is being gathered, the professional will be determining what to share in an appropriate manner. New knowledge may include state of residence, marital status, number of children, education and occupation, information about relatives and more. This would constitute general and non identifying information. There will be situations when the information is of a negative or traumatic nature. Withholding this is not indicated. When information contained in the file or newly gathered is negative, the decision involves how to share it, not whether to share it. Triad members have consistently expressed the need to know the truth. The professional's role is to tell it and then to provide support to the degree accepted or sought by the client. Guidelines may be developed to address how to share extremely traumatic information such as a death of an adopted person or birthparent. Decisions about sharing personally versus other ways, are relevant. Whenever possible, doing it in person is preferable. This is particularly true in relation to notifying a birthparent of her child's death. Most parents expect their children to survive them. Adopted adults are more prepared for the possibility of death of a birthparent. While still a trauma of major proportions, the sharing process seems to embody different parameters. There will be situations where it comes to light that untruths were told at the time of the adoption. Correcting these misrepresentations is necessary. There will be ramifications that call upon the professionalism and highest standards put forth by the agency. An example of this situation occurred with some degree of regularity at a large statewide agency. Over the years, birthmothers were told the first and middle names given to their children by the adoptive parents. Birthparents often would express how grateful they were for this knowledge because they could think about a real person with a real name. They would pray, celebrate special occasions and speak about the child using the given name. A connection was felt. Unfortunately, there were those who were given correct information and those who received false information. There seemed to be no rhyme or reason for which birthparents were blessed with truth and which were to receive falsehoods. When the practice orientation changed and post adoption services were extended, discovery about the untruths traumatized and angered the deceived

Defining Non-Identifying Informatio Page 68

extended, discovery about the untruths traumatized and angered the deceived birthparents. The handling of these situations is very delicate. There is no way to justify the deception. Perhaps one can look at the secretive nature of the closed adoption practice and frame it from that standpoint. It is not indicated to react defensively and try to justify what happened. Ultimately, the most constructive path is to tell the truth, acknowledging the errors of past thinking and cover ups that accompanied that. It does mean providing support and empathy to the person who again feels robbed of yet another part of her child. Current professionals must seek to provide ethical services while not assuming blame for the actions of their predecessors. Each provider is accountable for his own assessment and the upholding of responsive agency services. The ethical standards of his profession and service area will offer guidance for how these areas become defined, given the current understanding of adoption.

Pasted from <http://f1.grp.yahoofs.com/v1/AGjxS4qeTVubpd6RGWYobNzi_VI95--YUfM53cgMoLoG22hkto864YUO291uZhTdb8KWufTnR-eeyIk14Q/CCTriad%20Social%20Worker%20Handbook/P.%20Non-identifying%20information%20>

Defining Non-Identifying Informatio Page 69