Bad Unicorn - Excerpt

7/29/2019 Bad Unicorn - Excerpt

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BYPlatte F. Clark

ALADDINNew York London Toronto Sydney New Delhi


3/35

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ALADDIN

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ALADDIN k S & Su, I.,

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ISBN 978-1-4424-5012-7

ISBN 978-1-4424-5014-1 (Bk)


4/35

To the entire Clark clan: Aidan, Allie, Hunter, Kennidy, Hailey,

Platte Christian, Kiaya, and my sweetheart wife, Kathy

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

WHEN YOU ANNOUNCE THAT YOURE WRITING A BOOK ABOUT A

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6/35

Foreword to the

Codex of Infinite

Knowability

IF YOURE READING THIS PAGE YOURE

probably not a wizard and most definitely not my

blood descendant. Stop! For this is the Codex of Infinite

Knowabilitycodex because it is a very old book, and

infinite because the words herein are not boundto any page numbers or table of contents (for that

reason, its notrecommended that you use the Codex

as a citation source for book reports). I suppose con-

gratulations are in order, for you managed to get past

the first level of electric shock protection (perhaps by

opening the book with a stick or by wearing insu-lated gloves). However, dont be too smug about your

accomplishment. The Codex of Infinite Knowabilitycon-

tains the fifteen Prime Spellsthe very foundation

of all the magic in the three realms. Just drawing

close to them is so dangerous that my team of law-

yers requires me to tell you that at any moment you


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2 Platte F. Clark

may be electrified, frozen, torn asunder, flung into

the air, incinerated, or cast across time and space into

the dark regions of the umbraverse. As the Codexs

author, I recommend you close the book now and

run awaypreferably with screaming and arm flail-

ing. Sure, it might be socially awkward for a while,

but its way better than experiencing total physical

destruction.

Okay, youve ignored my warnings and are read-

ing anyway. Fine. Please note that copyright violators

will not only be prosecuted to the full extent of the

law, but tied to the Tree of Woe and licked by fire

kittens.

Also, if the final battle for earth did not go well,to our squirrel overlords let me say well played

you were a worthy opponent. If humans still survive,

take heed and remember two very important things:

First, never turn your back on a squirrel with a nut.

Second, the Codex of Infinite Knowabilityis the most mag-

ical book ever written. Just having it in your posses-sion will not only put your life at risk but will make

you the target of the powerful and power-hungry.

These are not creatures to be trifled with, believe me.

My recommendation is that you abandon this book

to whence you found it and wait for my long-lost

ancestor to claim itfor only those of my blood willbe able to read further and unlock the mysteries I


8/35

B AD U N I C ORN 3

have so carefully hidden away. And if you happen to

find this great descendant of mine, please tell him or

her notto bend the Codexs pagesis it so hard to use a

bookmark? A little courtesy goes a long way.

Maximilian Sporazo

Arch-Sorcerer and Regent of the Wizards Tower


9/35

PROLOGUE

PRINCESS THE UNICORN WAS HAVING A BAD DAY. PROBABLY NOT AS

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10/35

6 Platte F. Clark

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11/35

B AD U N I C ORN 7

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8 Platte F. Clark

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13/35

B AD U N I C ORN 9

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10 Platte F. Clark

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15/35

CHAPTER ONE

MAX FINDS A BOOKTHE TECHRUSPRESENT

IN THE HUMAN REALM, WHERE LIFE WAS SO DREARY MILLIONS OF KIDS

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12 Platte F. Clark

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B AD U N I C ORN 13

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14 Platte F. Clark

S p bk w Rk

w, Mx uk w v

u : In addition to being ruled by a queen, uni-

corns are highly magical creatures capable of speaking to humans.

Occasionally, a unicorn gives up on its diet of grass and oats

and goes for a little variety, perhaps by eating the human it was

previously talking to. Unfortunately, once a unicorn gets a taste

for meat theres really no easy way to stop it from plundering, pil-

laging, and devouring whatever it wants. This includes frobbits,

who happen to be a bit of a delicacy, are easy to catch, and come

in at around six hundred calories each.

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the Unicorn, also known as Princess the Destroyer. Pictured here

with her faithful wizard, Magar the Tolerated.Du! v xp Mx, k

up b Dk pp w


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B AD U N I C ORN 15

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16 Platte F. Clark

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21/35

B AD U N I C ORN 17

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18 Platte F. Clark

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23/35

B AD U N I C ORN 19

A

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20 Platte F. Clark

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On Frobbits

OF THE VARIOUS LIFE-FORMS LOCATED

in the middle realmor Magrus as its formally

calledthe peace-loving frobbit is a must-see for any

traveler. Frobbit culture is based on the unwarranted

trust of strangers, moving slowly when chased, and


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B AD U N I C ORN 2 1

taking baths seasoned with eleven herbs and spices;

which is also why frobbits are a favorite food source

for all carnivorous predators (and even some leaf-

eaters who want to live it up on the weekends).

Sometimes when threatened, a frobbit will rub

itself with mint leaves as a warninga strategy that

has yet to yield any positive results. Frobbit villages

are called treeshires, because frobbits like to build

their homes inside of giant, hollowed-out trees. On

at least two occasions squirrels have been known to

wait until the frobbits were finished tree hollowing

and then successfully run them off and move in (for

more on the future world domination by squirrels,

see appendix B).Frobbit mandolins, constructed from the dis-

carded wood from such hollowing activities, are

highly prized throughout the Magrus. Not so much

for their musical qualities, but as ready-made kin-

dling for campfires or cooking pits.

Whether as a handy food source or treeshire con-struction crew, frobbits have become an integral part

of life in the Magrus.

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bk. H u


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22 Platte F. Clark

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my middle schoolers on the honor roll

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27/35


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28/35

CHAPTER TWO

REZORMOORS GAMBIT(THE MAGRUSPRESENT)

REZORMOOR DREADBRINGER WALKED THE LONG HALL OF THE

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29/35


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26 Platte F. Clark

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31/35


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32/35

28 Platte F. Clark

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33/35


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34/35

30 Platte F. Clark

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Bad Unicorn - Excerpt

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