Asperger Syndrome and Asperger Syndrome and Marriage Marriage Gisela and Chris Gisela and Chris Slater-Walker Slater-Walker www.asperger- marriage.info
Dec 17, 2015
Asperger Syndrome and Asperger Syndrome and MarriageMarriage
Gisela and Chris Slater-Gisela and Chris Slater-WalkerWalker
www.asperger-marriage.info
www.asperger-marriage.info
Essential RequirementsEssential Requirements
Formal diagnosis accepted by both Formal diagnosis accepted by both partnerspartners
Mutual desire to have a working Mutual desire to have a working relationshiprelationship
Mutual willingness to learnMutual willingness to learn
BUT this mutuality of desire/willingness has not BUT this mutuality of desire/willingness has not been expressed in a ‘togetherness’ of approachbeen expressed in a ‘togetherness’ of approach
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BackgroundBackground
Met at university in 1985Met at university in 1985
Moved in together 1989Moved in together 1989
Son born 1992Son born 1992
Chris diagnosed with ASD 1997Chris diagnosed with ASD 1997
www.asperger-marriage.info
www.asperger-marriage.info
Chris – Why I Wanted a Chris – Why I Wanted a RelationshipRelationship
Wanted to share something with someone Wanted to share something with someone – though not sure what– though not sure what
Was very lonely – thought that I would be Was very lonely – thought that I would be able to talk to someone in a relationshipable to talk to someone in a relationship
Also ‘heterosexual male’ Also ‘heterosexual male’
Possibly childrenPossibly children
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Early Days. What Sustained the Early Days. What Sustained the Relationship?Relationship?
Limited emotional and time demands from Limited emotional and time demands from GiselaGiselaChris’s linguistic abilityChris’s linguistic abilityMutual interests – doing same courseMutual interests – doing same course
music / culturemusic / culture political sympathiespolitical sympathies
Physical attraction Physical attraction
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Early Days - What Endangered the Early Days - What Endangered the Relationship? Relationship?
ChrisChrisUnreasonable demands on my timeUnreasonable demands on my timeRealised, possibly in theory, that you had to be with Realised, possibly in theory, that you had to be with someone to have a relationship – but in practice difficultsomeone to have a relationship – but in practice difficult
Gisela’s untidinessGisela’s untidiness GiselaGisela
Found aspects of Chris’s behaviour uncomfortableFound aspects of Chris’s behaviour uncomfortableApparently rude and ungrateful to parentsApparently rude and ungrateful to parentsBut appeared he wanted to be helpful – just painfully shy But appeared he wanted to be helpful – just painfully shy and according to a friend ‘the quietest person I have ever and according to a friend ‘the quietest person I have ever met’met’
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Pre-Diagnosis Difficulties - GiselaPre-Diagnosis Difficulties - Gisela
Vital Routines– hoovering the working surfaceVital Routines– hoovering the working surface
Importance of sleep to ChrisImportance of sleep to Chris
Discussion of difficulties impossible – Chris Discussion of difficulties impossible – Chris apparently determined not toapparently determined not to
Apparent hostilityApparent hostility
Deteriorating relationship with parents and Deteriorating relationship with parents and childrenchildren
Apparent indifference to family members’ needsApparent indifference to family members’ needs
Unable to use feminine wilesUnable to use feminine wileswww.asperger-marriage.info
www.asperger-marriage.info
Pre-diagnosis Difficulties - ChrisPre-diagnosis Difficulties - Chris
Saw Gisela as the one with the problems - not meSaw Gisela as the one with the problems - not meI was reasonably happy, could not understand why I was reasonably happy, could not understand why Gisela was notGisela was notGisela has different ideas of what is importantGisela has different ideas of what is important
• relationship with the children and people far more relationship with the children and people far more important to her than things being in the right placeimportant to her than things being in the right place
• distressing for me when something is not in the distressing for me when something is not in the right placeright placeGisela would want to discuss things at night when I Gisela would want to discuss things at night when I wanted to sleepwanted to sleep
www.asperger-marriage.info
Diagnosis – Why Important?Diagnosis – Why Important?
Chris – always felt socially handicapped – Chris – always felt socially handicapped – diagnosis would provide a reason for this diagnosis would provide a reason for this rather than it being a personal inadequacy rather than it being a personal inadequacy
Gisela – Chris either unwilling or unable to Gisela – Chris either unwilling or unable to engage fully in a close relationship – engage fully in a close relationship – needed to know whichneeded to know which
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Initial Reaction to DSM-IVInitial Reaction to DSM-IV
Chris - Sceptical, ‘it seemed people with Chris - Sceptical, ‘it seemed people with AS acted irrationally – and I acted AS acted irrationally – and I acted rationally’rationally’
Gisela – Astonished, a description of Gisela – Astonished, a description of Chris’s idiosyncrasiesChris’s idiosyncrasies
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‘‘There is no doubt in my mind that There is no doubt in my mind that you are on the autistic spectrum you are on the autistic spectrum and have Asperger Syndrome’and have Asperger Syndrome’
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Effects of ASD in an ‘Able Adult’Effects of ASD in an ‘Able Adult’
BullyingBullying
Severe depressionSevere depression
Nearly ended a marriageNearly ended a marriage
Extremely unhappy relationship with parentsExtremely unhappy relationship with parents
Unable to deal with lack of structure at OxfordUnable to deal with lack of structure at Oxford
Failure to succeed at interviews – so career and Failure to succeed at interviews – so career and job opportunities curtailedjob opportunities curtailed
Difficulties in employmentDifficulties in employment
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Help Available to the ‘Able Adult’ Help Available to the ‘Able Adult’ with Asperger Syndromewith Asperger Syndrome
Medication Medication
Family Family
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Professional Help Available to Professional Help Available to Families of the ‘Able Adult’ with ASFamilies of the ‘Able Adult’ with AS
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Other Help Available for Partners in Other Help Available for Partners in
Asperger MarriagesAsperger MarriagesLiterature by professionals, people with AS Literature by professionals, people with AS and partnersand partners
Support groups – national and localSupport groups – national and local
Internet listsInternet lists
Extended familyExtended family
Good friendsGood friends
www.asperger-marriage.info
AS Features Causing Difficulties AS Features Causing Difficulties
Lack of Empathy?Lack of Empathy?
Inability to mind-readInability to mind-read
Effects of stress on the AS partnerEffects of stress on the AS partner
Communication difficulties– personal and Communication difficulties– personal and work relationshipswork relationships
www.asperger-marriage.info
Non-Spectrum Features Causing Non-Spectrum Features Causing DifficultiesDifficulties
Lack of Appreciation of:Lack of Appreciation of:• stress caused by daily living with ASstress caused by daily living with AS• need for spaceneed for space• misunderstanding not only one waymisunderstanding not only one way
Need for reassurance of affectionNeed for reassurance of affection
Need for conversation and social Need for conversation and social interactioninteraction
Need to be understoodNeed to be understood
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Verbal Communication Verbal Communication
ConversationConversationAS partner:AS partner:• has a lack of ability to initiatehas a lack of ability to initiate• has literal understandinghas literal understanding• has no innate understanding of structure of has no innate understanding of structure of
conversationconversation• simply does not know what to saysimply does not know what to say
www.asperger-marriage.info
Communication Communication
Conversation structure difficultiesConversation structure difficulties• turn-takingturn-taking• need for processing time causes delay in need for processing time causes delay in
replying, particularly noticeable over abstract replying, particularly noticeable over abstract issues, e.g. emotionsissues, e.g. emotions
• MRQQ – manner, relevance, quality and MRQQ – manner, relevance, quality and quantity of repliesquantity of replies
www.asperger-marriage.info
Non-verbal Communication Non-verbal Communication
A real problem: lack of facial expression A real problem: lack of facial expression and other non verbal communication leads and other non verbal communication leads to much mutual misunderstandingto much mutual misunderstanding
Mood, or attitude of the person with AS is Mood, or attitude of the person with AS is easily misreadeasily misread
www.asperger-marriage.info
Coping StrategiesCoping Strategies
Awareness of differences in communication Awareness of differences in communication Non-AS partner must not become emotional in Non-AS partner must not become emotional in conversationsconversationsDiscuss one issue at a timeDiscuss one issue at a timeTry to avoid using metaphorical languageTry to avoid using metaphorical languageWait for a reply – it will usually comeWait for a reply – it will usually comeExplain the need for a reply if it doesn’tExplain the need for a reply if it doesn’tThe intent of the person with AS should be The intent of the person with AS should be appreciated appreciated Use Instant Messaging and emailsUse Instant Messaging and emails
www.asperger-marriage.info
Employment IssuesEmployment Issues
Communication difficulties extend to other Communication difficulties extend to other aspects of lifeaspects of life
AS partner may appreciate help over work AS partner may appreciate help over work issues and day-to-day livingissues and day-to-day living
www.asperger-marriage.info
Social IssuesSocial Issues
Separate social lives need not be Separate social lives need not be detrimental to a marriagedetrimental to a marriage
Social occasions based on an activity – Social occasions based on an activity – concert, theatre or quiz more successfulconcert, theatre or quiz more successful
Purely social occasions should be limited Purely social occasions should be limited to small groups of quiet people in quiet to small groups of quiet people in quiet surroundingssurroundings
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ParentingParenting
Chris benefited from watching me – and Chris benefited from watching me – and we agree on strategies with Georgewe agree on strategies with George
George aware of Chris’s ASGeorge aware of Chris’s AS
Conscientious Conscientious
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The FutureThe Future
Chris’s relationship with his parents is Chris’s relationship with his parents is much improvedmuch improved
Still problems with my three children – Still problems with my three children – difficult to redressdifficult to redress
Despite practice some situations still very Despite practice some situations still very difficult – interviewsdifficult – interviews
Not currently planning ‘An Asperger Not currently planning ‘An Asperger Divorce’Divorce’