Adonis - Libretto (WP)

7/24/2019 Adonis - Libretto (WP)

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ADONIS

A Disrespectful Perversion of

"Pygmalion and Galatea," "Marble Heart" and Common Senseby William Gill

Front matter

Music By Beethoven---Audran---Suppe---Sir Arthur Sullivan---Planquette---Offenbach---

Mozart---Hayden---Dave Braham---Eller---and many more too vastly numerous to individualize,particularize or plagiarize.

CHARACTERS

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ADONIS (Statue---Poet---Artist---Political Economist---Athlete---Aesthete---Astronomer---

Bicyclist---Dancer---Singer---Elocutionist---Postmaster---Drygoods Clerk---Tonsorial Artist---Drug Clerk---Old Clothes Man---General Hero and High Kicker)

TALAMEA (A Sculptress who, like most of her sex, is in love with her own creation)

ARTEA (A Goddess---Patroness of the Fine Arts. N.B. The student will vainly search for thischaracter in the Heathen---or any other---mythology. She was invented to suit the fell purpose ofthe Author)

DUCHESS OF AREA (Aesthetic to the verge of eccentricity, rich to the verge of millionarism,sentimental to the verge of gush)

ROSETTA (A simple village maiden---The happy possessor of a clear conscience and a sopranovoice)

BUNION TURKE (Her father. An unblushing appropriator of the stock-in-trade of one of thecharacters made famous by the Madison Square Theatre Management)

MARQUIS DE BACCARAT (A highly polished villain. This character will be recognized by thenude eye of all lovers of the modern society play)

LADY PATTIE, The daughter of the Duchess---Professional BeautiesLADY MATTIE, The daughter of the Duchess---Professional Beauties

LADY HATTIE, The daughter of the Duchess---Professional BeautiesLADY NATTIE, The daughter of the Duchess---Professional Beauties

GYLES---NYLES---STYLES---BYLES (Ordinary everyday Rustics)UNGBO---TUNGBO---BUNGBO---SHUNGBO (Oriental Menials)

JENKYNS---SNOOKS---JEAMES---BUTTONS (Caucasian Menials)THE BRIC-A-BRAC GUARDS


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TROOPS---TIGERS---VILLAGERSTHE GOOD OLD-TIME CHORUS

Main text

---Act I---

Sc. 1

Studio of Talamea the Sculptress .

Articles of statuary &c, scattered about .

Curtains over alcoves .

Talamea discovered C. dreaming .

Opening chorus invisible .

"We winged messengers that watch o'er mortals in their dreams,"Are guarding thee fair votaress, whose hopes have been deferred,

"We fain would grant thy wishes---bid thee hope to keep---"Thrice blessed one thy prayer is heard."

Tal. [Talamea]

( after chorus )

Come Artea, come to thy pupil and worshipper---Come, oh come.

( Artea comes thro' trap C.---Music )

Art. [Artea]

I am here Talamea---why this hasty summons?

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Tal. [Talamea]

Great Goddess---I am miserable.

Art. [Artea]

You the great sculptress miserable, wherefore?

Tal. [Talamea]

I love.

Art. [Artea]

Your art? Yes!

Tal. [Talamea]

Of course I do---But it is not that.

Art. [Artea]

What then? A man?

Tal. [Talamea]

No alas!

Art. [Artea]

A lass! You love a lass?

Tal. [Talamea]( Indignantly )

A lass! The idea!


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Art. [Artea]

Not a lass---not a man---what then? A Politician?

Tal. [Talamea]

A Statue!

Art. [Artea]

A mere figure!

Tal. [Talamea]

Don't speak of its figure in that tone of voice. Its figure is perfect---glorious---divine---

Art. [Artea]

Bartholdi's Statue of Liberty enlightening New York Harbour?

Tal. [Talamea]

By the time that is placed in position, I fear I shall be too ancient for any amatory passion.

Art. [Artea]

Who then---or rather what then is the object upon which you waste your affections?

Tal. [Talamea]

Waist? Ah yes, it has a beautiful waist---I should know, for I shaped it---it is my masterpiece---

Adonis!

Art. [Artea]

In love with your own statue?


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Tal. [Talamea]

It is not mine.

Art. [Artea]

You sculped it.

Tal. [Talamea]

And sold it to the Duchess of Area, before it was finished, and now that I adore it I feeldisinclined to fulfil my part of the bargain.

Art. [Artea]

The Duchess can compel you! She has the Law and Roscoe Conkling on her side.

Tal. [Talamea]

What care I for Law and Roscoe, so long as I have you on mine.

Art. [Artea]

How will my friendship benefit you?

Tal. [Talamea]

Great Goddess! By your marvellous power you can accomplish miracles---perform one now on

my behalf.

Art. [Artea]

What miracle?

Tal. [Talamea]


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Endow with life my beautiful statue, and let him choose between his maker and his purchaser,and then he will be mine.

Art. [Artea]

Be not too sure of that! If men of flesh and blood cannot be trusted by our sex, what warrantyhave we that a mere marble effigy of the perfidious male will be more conscientious?

Tal. [Talamea]

I am willing to abide the test---My ardent passion must kindle a corresponding spark in my lovedone's bosom.

Art. [Artea]

I will consider the matter. In the meanwhile let me behold this wonder, also the other works youhave accomplished since my last visit.

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( Talamea draws aside curtain of alcove R.1.E and discloses figure , " The Plunge .")

Art. [Artea]

What do you call that?

Tal. [Talamea]

A Society Belle---taking her first plunge into the whirlpool of Fashion.

( Draws aside Curtain R.2.C. and discloses facsimile of woman washing boy at tub , " You dirty

boy .")

Art. [Artea]

That!


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Tal. [Talamea]

Dame Columbia washing her dirty boy "Politics" in Terra Cotta.

Art. [Artea]

Terra Cotta! You mean soap---at least so it ap pears ---The old lady has her work cut out.

( Talamea draws curtain of alcove L.1.E. and discloses figure of "Justice"---patch on eye &c .)

Art. [Artea]

Justice has evidently been in the wars.

Tal. [Talamea]

Wishing to be as correct as possible, and noticing that Justice nearly always gets a black eye in

our courts---I have so depicted her.

( Draws curtain L.2.E. and discloses the " Three Graces ")

Tal. [Talamea]

Behold the far-famed Three Graces.

Art. [Artea]

A charming group of pretty faces.

Tal. [Talamea]

And now for Adonis.

( Draws curtain C. and discloses " Adonis ")

Art. [Artea]

A tinted statue? Charming idea. Did it take my Talamea long?


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Tal. [Talamea]

Yes. No time Talamea's tinted . Learn of its accomplishments. By means of reeds and pipes

operated upon by a key, I can make my statue sing.

( Turns crank in pedestal---statue sings---bus .)

Art. [Artea]

Wonderful!( Draws curtains )

Tal. [Talamea]

Ought not one so accomplished to be alive?

Art. [Artea]

Some people with souls not attuned to music might say no, but I will consider the matter, and if a

crisis in your affairs demands action on my part, I will do what I consider best for yourhappiness.

( Exit R.U.E. Enter Ladies Pattie, Mattie, Hattie and Nattie L.U.E. )

Chorus

"We are the Duchess daughters and behave as nobles ought,

"We've come to see the statue, our gracious Ma has bought,"They say it is a darling---with form that takes the cake,

"So an investigation we will proceed to make."

Mat. [Mattie]( Draws Curtain 1 )

Is it this?

All .

No!


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Hat. [Hattie]

( Draws Curtain 2 )

Is it this?

All .

No!

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Pat. [Pattie]( Draws Curtain 3 )

Is it this?

All .

No!

Nat. [Nattie]

( Draws Curtain 4 )

P'raps it's this?

All .

No! no! no! no!

"No not this, no not this,"Where then is the beauty?

"No not this, no not this,"Then seek it out we must.

"No not this, no not this,"To find it is our duty,

"Of figures we have heard it is the topmost, the topmost upper upper crust."


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Pat. [Pattie]

Stay here is an alcove that we have not yet explored.( Draws curtain & discloses Adonis---Chord! )

Mat. [Mattie]

Oh how beautiful.

Hat. [Hattie]

Isn't it lovely.

Nat. [Nattie]

What a shame it's only marble.

Pat. [Pattie]

What grace in that nostril.

Mat. [Mattie]

What symmetry in that eyebrow.

Hat. [Hattie]

What indications of strength in those biceps.

Nat. [Nattie]

And what lovely calves.

All .

Oh for shame.


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Pat. [Pattie]( Drawing Curtain to )

That chaste conception of the sculptor's art shall not be subject to such an unladylike remark.

Nat. [Nattie]

I don't care---They are lovely---The difference between us is, that I say what you think, whilstyou think , but don't say it.

( Duchess appears outside )

Mat. [Mattie]

Hush, here's Ma.

( Enter Duchess followed by the Marquis de Baccarat L.U.E. )

Duch. [Duchess of Area]

How now girls---you here?

Pat. [Pattie]

Yes Ma. We heard you say you were coming to claim your statue, and we wished to participatein your enjoyment.


I have brought the Marquis de Baccarat with me.( Salute )

He cannot believe that my statue is as beautiful as it has been represented.

Marq. [Marquis de Baccarat]

Nay your grace, you misunderstood me. What I said was that I could find no beauty in anything

when you were by---You absorb it all.



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Flatterer!

( Goes R. with daughters )


I am a marquis, and I mix in the very highest circles of society, but they little dream that I am a

polished villain, and have adorned all the very modern melodramas and society plays in thatcharacter---When I smile I always show my teeth, and usually perform all my

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atrocities enveloped in a dress suit, repressed passion, patent leather shoes, and a buttonhole

bouquet. But beneath the surface( raises vest and discloses pistols and daggers )

Ha! Ha!

( Enter Talamea and Artea L.1.E. )

Art. [Artea]

( Aside to Talamea )

Unseen by them, I will watch over you, and do what I think is for the best.

Tal. [Talamea]

Thanks.

( To Duchess )Welcome Madame to my Studio.


Talamea, I have come to claim my statue. Is it finished?

Tal. [Talamea]

It is.



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Then I will take it with me. An express wagon is without.

Tal. [Talamea]

It shall not go!

All .

What?


But I have paid you for it.

Tal. [Talamea]

Here is your money.( Flings purse )

Take it back! I cannot part with my Adonis!


This is very extraordinary conduct---But let me see the statue and then I will consider your

proposition.

Tal. [Talamea]

( Aside )

If she see it, she will insist.( Aloud )

You cannot see it.


Excuse me! The duchess not only can but shall! Behold!

( Opens Curtain C. )



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Exquisite! What beauty is expressed in every line.

Tal. [Talamea]

( To Artea )

She too is captivated---she will insist.

Pat. [Pattie]

Ma's enraptured.

Nat. [Nattie]

I should think so, who could resist those calves.

Girls .

For shame.


Marquis! What do you think of it.


Well I think the limbs are altogether out of proportion---the modelling of the left arm isatrocious---the head is ridiculously small---the treatment of the ear criminally bad---the size of

the feet positively abnormal---but in other respects it's doing quite well.


Nonsense. It is like life, and oh girls, it is mine.

Tal. [Talamea]

I will not part with it.


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I will invoke the law.

Tal. [Talamea]( Seizing mallet )

Rather than that I will dash it into fragments.

All .

Hold!

Art. [Artea]

( Aside to Tal )

I will grant your desire, give life to the Statue and it shall decide.( Aside )

It is kill or cure.

Tal. [Talamea]

Madame, the statue shall decide to whom it will owe allegiance.

All .

The statue!


Ridiculous!


Monstrous!

Girls .


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Pre-pos-ter-ous!

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Tal. [Talamea]

True love has ere this moved hearts of stone to pity, why not this marble?


Why should I accept the challenge when the statue is mine already.

Tal. [Talamea]

If you refuse, the statue ceases to exist.


Well be it so---let Adonis choose between us.

Tal. [Talamea]

Adonis! I have no palace to offer thee as shrine, no wealth to lavish on thy beauty---nothing tobestow but love, as boundless as the starry heavens, as deep as the unfathomed sea. Choose!


I am wealthy and noble---a Duchess in my own right, and the proud mother of four professionalbeauties, the sale of whose photographs alone brings me in a princely income---I can adorn you

with jewels, stuff you with dainties, buy you a single eye-glass and a silk umbrella with a silverknob! Choose!

( Artea waves wand---pedestal with statue descends stage---statue slowly comes to life & turns to

Talamea---Duchess gives money & statue turns to Duchess )

All .


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It lives.

Concerted

Air: "Clog-Dance"

This marvellous awakening is really very singularAnd scientists would say no doubt, it cannot be a fact.

It moves with such agility in truth it is quite wingular,A miscellaneous lot of grace within that form is packed.

It flings its feet around about with very much rapidity,Its pigeon wings and heel and toes, no one can e'er excel.

For marble which we all suppose is gifted with solidityIt does the light and airy steps most excellently well.

( Adonis jumps from pedestal )

It's alive, oh it's alive, of that there's not the slightest doubt,

It's alive, oh it's alive, see how it flings itself about,It's alive, oh it's alive, some secret wire sure there must be,

Perhaps it's worked, Perhaps it's worked by electricitee.


This a foe will be to me.

Tal. [Talamea]

Traitor from my presence flee.


Is it love that tugs me so, or tight-lacing, I don't know.

Girls .

Lovers all away I cast, Mr. Right has come at last.

Adonis .

If some one don't hold down, red I soon shall paint the town.


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All .

It's alive &c.( Closed in )

Sc. 2

Exterior of Turke's cottage .

( Enter Rosetta from cottage .)

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Ros. [Rosetta]

I am the village beauty and I weigh one hundred and twenty pounds---in addition to which I amvery poor. I am pursued by all the lordly vilyuns for miles around, and my father is a poor old

miller who threatens to turn me out of his doors if I listen to the voice of the noble charmer, butnever fear I shall preserve my honor even to the verge of emotional insanity and shall continue to

sing my country ditties as long as the public will stand them.( Song and exit R. )

( Enter Marquis L. )


Ah yonder trips Rosetta the village beauty---to help her poor old father who has fallen into a mudhole---how tenderly she helps the old man out of the ditch, with what grace she wipes the wet

clay from his nickel-plated hair---she shall be mine. If all else fail, I will strangle the old man andfly with her to my chateau in Alaska. But first I must wed the Duchess of Area---her lands and

mine adjoin, and will make a noble property---should she refuse---( raises vest significantly )

Ha! Ha! The polished villain will get in his fine work.

( Enter Duchess L. )


Ah marquis, you here.


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I cannot deny it---I am---and you, if you will permit me to remind you, are here too.


Strange as it may appear, I am.


Singular coincidence.


You will excuse me Marquis, I have a call to make.


On the old miller?


Yes---Rosetta his daughter tells me the old man is failing fast, so knowing his delicate appetite, I

have brought him a cheap edition of Talmage's Sermons and a pair of leather shoe laces.


Ever charitable---but the old miller is not in---in other words he is out.


Then I will return home


Will you permit me to accompany you?


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Thanks---but---


Duchess, for 22 years I have pursued your hand in marriage, during which time you invoked the

law to aid you, you promised to be mine, each time you went back on your vows and married theother fellow. Now Duchess, I claim your promise, I want to be the other fellow this time.


Never!


Perhaps if the fascinating Adonis were to crave you, you would not be so obdurate.


He is at least a gentleman!


A block of marble a gentleman---a fellow with no family whatever---Why

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he hasn't even a father and mother. Perhaps even now some of his connections may be acting as

Philadelphia doorsteps.


Never allude to this again, Marquis, or I shall be exceedingly angry.

( Going---stops and hold out hand )We shall still be friends?


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Friends! Always!


So kind of you. Shall we see you at the ball this evening?


Well I should hop---I mean I should hope so.


Until then good afternoon.

( Exit )


Good afternoon---That is how the truly polished villain disguises his emotions, but beneath the

lips that smile he wears the teeth that rend---I'll be revenged! I don't know how just at present,but my time will come later on. The practised dramatist never fails to give the polished villain a

chance---and when my chance comes---( bus )

Ah here comes Rosetta---first to deceive her in the orthodox way, and then for the Duchess.

( Enter Rosetta R. )

Ros. [Rosetta]

My instincts inform me that this is another lordly villain! Will they never cease to persecute an

innocent and hungry maiden?


Fair Rosetta, be mine, and my love and my wealth shall make you the envied of all your village

companions.

Ros. [Rosetta]


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( Aside )

Now to bestow a stinging rebuke upon him.( To Marq. )

My lord, you ought to be ashamed of yourself.


Such bitter sarcasm does not befit those lovely lips---Rather let me close them with a kiss that

their ripeness and freshness invite.

Ros. [Rosetta]

My lord, if my lips were as fresh as you are, I should give up chewing gum, and take to ice as a

steady diet.


Come fly with me to sunny Michigan and there---

Ros. [Rosetta]

Back base lord, and learn that the village maiden would rather vegetate on two thousand a monthwith an honest son of poverty than mingle in all the Hampton Court gaieties your wealth can

procure.


I love to see you angry---it imparts a brighter lustre to your eyes.

( Seizes her )Nay struggle not. I have a wrist of steel and a cheek of iron.

( Enter Bunion Turke R. )

Bun. [Bunion]

Ah my child in the grasp of a lordly vilyun? I know he's a lord because he wears a diamond stud---and I'm sure he's a vilyun for no honest man could afford such clean hands.


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Ros. [Rosetta]

Oh Father!

Bun. [Bunion]

Go 'way---I sent you out to get the morning paper off my neighbor's doorstep, and instead of

doing so you linger here and permit a lordly vilyun to embrace you.

Ros. [Rosetta]

I didn't permit---I couldn't help myself.

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Bun. [Bunion]

No matter. I'm a worthy old miller and it's a part of my daily routine to turn my daughter out ofdoors---No better opportunity than this may occur, and I'm not the man to throw a chance away.

Ros. [Rosetta]

Father, I implore!

Bun. [Bunion]

Go! You are no longer a child of mine! I close my poor but honest door upon your form as I

close my poor but honest heart upon your memory. Go! Starve! Die! I care not! Stand back, I amlost to thee forever.

( Goes into house & returns )If you don't go for that newspaper in less than no time---there'll be a row in this precinct. You

hear my poor but honest voice.( Exit )


His wild words make even me shudder---Is he often taken thus?


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Ros. [Rosetta]

Yes, bless him---about four times a week. He lives in hope that his conduct will reach the ears of

some East End manager who will engage him as second old man.


Why they wouldn't let him tend stage-door.

Ros. [Rosetta]

My lord I will not stay to be insulted.

( Trio )

Ros. [Rosetta]

Go basest lord from me awayI do not want your love.

And to your serpent I'll not playThe part of stricken dove.


Proud maiden tho' you scorn me thus

I love you all the more.( Enter Bunion )

Turke .

Here come I say just stop this fussIn front of my honest door.

( Repeat " Go basest lord ")

Ros. [Rosetta]

Oh Pa! Oh Pa, he's a naughty, naughty man.



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I love and I adore your daughter more than I can speak.

Bun. [Bunion]

Here come I say I'm a tough old citizenAnd if you worry me, I'll knock you into Sunday-week.Oh Pa, Oh Pa &c.

( Exit Marq: L. Ros. & Bun: R. )

End of Scene

Sc. 3

Garden

Enter Guards---march and chorus

Tic-a-tac, tic-a-tac, bric-a-brac, bric-a-brac,

All day long.Tic-a-tac, tic-a-tac, bric-a-brac, bric-a-brac,

Is our song.

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( Repeat )

Yes we are a happy lot

Guards of honor to her grace.We are always on the spot

Whenever danger menaces the place.( Exit )

( Enter Talamea & Artea )

Tal. [Talamea]

See there he is! Oh how beautiful---yet oh! how false.


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Art. [Artea]

Infatuated still?

Tal. [Talamea]

And ever will be.

Art. [Artea]

He loves you not.

Tal. [Talamea]

Do the birds and flowers love us? Yet who shall censure us for ordering quail on toast, or buying"Jack" roses at 75c a bud?

Art. [Artea]

I should for one---for like the poor, are not the dudes always with us?

Tal. [Talamea]

I do not love Adonis because I want to, but because I can't help myself.

Art. [Artea]

Then I will help you---I will transform him back into his marble state.

Tal. [Talamea]

Then he will be mine again, and I can break him all up!

Art. [Artea]

Shall I?


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Tal. [Talamea]

No. No. Life to him is all joy, unimpaired by indigestion. What matters my misery, so long as he

can enjoy a good square meal.

Art. [Artea]

You are very far gone.

Tal. [Talamea]

With shame I confess it! My love for him robs me of all my rest, and my professional ambition---Look at my numerous orders---Here is a plaster cast of Jumbo, one of Jay Gould on a bust, as

yet untouched by chisel.( Music )

But hark! Artea! What is that?

Art. [Artea]

It is the Duchess approaches, accompanied by her Tigers---let us retire, and watch Adonis go

through his competitive examination.

( Enter Boy-Tigers---Chorus "The Boys of the Boots-and-Breeches" from the opera of "TheMerry Duchess." Then enter Guards, four daughters and Duchess )

Girls .

Welcome home Momma.


I hurried back from Monaco to see my Adonis, who is, you say, in so short a time so

marvellously proficient.

Hat. [Hattie]

He appears to gain his knowledge of history by intuition.


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Mat. [Mattie]

Were astronomers classified like actors---he would be a very star among them.

Nat. [Nattie]

If Barnum were to see him he would sell his white elephant and engage Adonis as his prize card.

Pat. [Pattie]

He sings like Sims Reeves, and soon will dance like an Alhambra ballet.

[Page 212 ]


Indeed! Then he must be much older than he looks.

Girls .

Oh Ma, he's a darling.


My dear girls restrain your ardour. So much gush does not become young ladies.

( Aside )Four pretty and marriageable girls may be in the way of a mother whose heart is still

impressionable.

Pat. [Pattie]

He comes.

Hat. [Hattie]

How gracefully he bounds along.


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Nat. [Nattie]

He scarcely bends the tender cabbage leaves on which he steps.

( Enter Adonis---song: paraphrase of the "Susceptible Chancellor" from "Iolanthe" )


Where have you been, Adonis?

Adon. [Adonis]

Here, there, and everywhere! Chasing sunbeams---catching measles, I should say weasels asleep-

--and diving for ducks in the frog-pond.


A perfect child of Nature.

Adon. [Adonis]

Nature. I adore Nature---Especially human nature, don't I girls?

( Flirting )


Leave Nature alone for the present and let me see your Art.

Adon. [Adonis]

My 'eart? Thinks't thou I wear my 'eart upon my sleeve for Duchesses to peck at?


Your A.R.T. not your H.A.R.T.


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Adon. [Adonis]

Excuse me---H. E. A.R.T.


Wonderful---He already knows how to spell.

Adon. [Adonis]

Yes, there's a spell about me that no one can resist.


Having heard of what you know will you permit me to see how you do it all?

Adon. [Adonis]

All! Life is too short---a portion with pleasure---Having learned rapidly to imbibe---

All .

Eh?

Adon. [Adonis]

An education.

All .

Oh!

Adon. [Adonis]

Education you know is the system of finding out what is what.

All .


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Well what is what?

Adon. [Adonis]

Oh well if you don't know what is what---I may as well go on to the next branch of study, whichis lightning calculations upon the blackboard---Each one can get a clear insight into my system

by watching the different expressions I throw into my left eye. Suppose for instance I were acensus-taker asking the age of a young lady, and the young lady were---to say---the Duchess---

not to say the Duchess wouldn't give her age( aside )

---No one would take it---( aloud )

I should approach the young lady in this way---Madam, what year were you born in( Duchess whispers )

Quite a young thing! Now by putting down a row of figures on the blackboard in shorthand---adding them

[Page 213 ]

up, subtracting these, and dividing by 3, I find the Duchess is exactly 22 years, 4 months and 7

days old.


Oh Adonis---Someone must have told you.

Adon. [Adonis]

Oh no. My system never fails. Now for Astronomy, all you have to do is to slip up on a piece oforange peel and you'll see all the stars the astronomers ever dreamt of.

Pat. [Pattie]

Arithmetic? If you hire a plumber at ten shillings a day for 20 days, what will he have at the endof the time.

Adon. [Adonis]

Your house and lot.


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Nat. [Nattie]

Music!

Adon. [Adonis]

Ah music hath charms to soothe the savage beast---That's why they put a brass band round adog's neck.

Nat. [Nattie]

In !time, how many beats are there in a bar?

Adon. [Adonis]

That depends upon the quality of the free lunch---And that concludes the first part of my

entertainment.


Refreshments here! I will serve the sandwiches myself---Will they not taste better from my

hand?

Adon. [Adonis]

Oh for the touch of a sandwiched hand and the clink of the glass that we fill.


What will you have, Adonis? Ham, beef or sausage.

Adon. [Adonis]

Oh my appetite like my nature is ethereal---Have you any moth's tongues on toast---or canary

bird's wing---

Pat. [Pattie]


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We're just out of them at present.

Adon. [Adonis]

Well, give me some hash.


Serve the champagne

( bus )Adonis, do you like champagne?

Adonis .

Well I should effervesce.


May I offer you a glass.

Adon. [Adonis]

No thanks, I happened to drink about three bottles last night and I had a terrible dream---I dreamtthat I was a celestial body, having been promoted from the position of "star" to that of a planet,

and I was sailing along, when suddenly I perceived a speck coming towards me though theMilky Way. So I said to it: "From whence comest thou?" "From the earth," it made reply, "where

I have been growing higher and higher and smaller and smaller every day."

All .

Why, what was it?

Adon. [Adonis]

The bottom of a strawberry basket.

( Enter Marquis )


34/84


What eloquence. Ah Marquis, is he not the modern edition of the admirable Crichton.


Say rather the modern edition of a most insufferable snob.


You are ungenerous.


Pardon me, I am simply fly.

[Page 214 ]


He is highly accomplished.


I will test him---H'm( bowing )

Adon. [Adonis]

That is not the way to bow sir, let me show you.( Bus )


Insolent fellow.


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Adon. [Adonis]

You are aggrieved? A bout at foils then, and the first touched apologizes.

( Tiger brings down foils )


One of these foils is shorter than the other.

Adon. [Adonis]

Then I will take the longer. En garde.


Take care sir, I am the finest fencer in the Quartier Latin.

Adon. [Adonis]

And I my lord am the champion of the Rue de Pompadour.

( Bus: of fencing---Marquis is disarmed )


You fence exceedingly well sir.

Adon. [Adonis]

Your fence would never keep chickens out of a flower garden.


We will resume this on some future occasion---Toujours prt.

Adon. [Adonis]


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Eh.


Ne comprennez-vous pas le Franais?

Adon. [Adonis]

What is that gibberish?


I thought this highly accomplished gentleman spoke French.

Adon. [Adonis]

I do, but I didn't learn the accent in Soho.


That is an excellent cigar you have there.

Adon. [Adonis]

Will you try one


Thanks awfully.

Adon. [Adonis]

What do you think of it?



37/84

It's like a man with a pat hand---it doesn't draw.

Adon. [Adonis]

It should be good---I paid two shillings for the two, buying them by the box.


Indeed.

Adon. [Adonis]

Yes, one-and-tenpence for this.

( all laugh )


What exquisite readiness! Marquis, you must take a few lessons in repartee.


It's your turn now sir, but we shall meet again.

Adon. [Adonis]

Not if I see you coming.


I'll see you later.

Adon. [Adonis]

Not if I see your shadow.



38/84

My time will come.

Adon. [Adonis]

Yes, I'll speak to Attenboro about it.


Taunt on, sir, each insult I plant as a milestone on my road to vengeance.

( Aside )Oh that I had him by the throat, I'd---but I keep forgetting that I am a polished villain---ranting is

such very bad form.( Aloud ) ( Bowing )

Ladies, your most obedient---Sir Ex-Statue, I salute you---But my time will come.( Exit L. )

[Page 215 ]


Now girls away---let my guards and servants vanish, I have a few words to say in private toAdonis.

( Exit guards and daughters )


Adonis, you must ere this have observed a tenderness in my manner towards you.

Adon. [Adonis]

All the daughters in love with me, and now the old girl! I'm solid with the whole family.

( Enter Rosetta R.U.E.---stands at top of stage )



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Dearest it is because I have made up my mind to make you my fifth.

Adon. [Adonis]

Oh what a vision of bliss( looking at Rosetta )


I am glad you feel that way about it. Then you do not think me positively ugly?

Adon. [Adonis]

If I could but catch the expression of her eyes, I'd have them set to music.


Say you so dearest---then you may kiss me.

Adon. [Adonis]

Eh?


I say you may kiss me.

Adon. [Adonis]

What have I done.


I see dear bashful youth, kisses are as yet strangers to those beautiful lips.

Adon. [Adonis]


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I'm willing they should remain strangers.


Come I will teach you---Now I put my mouth so( action )and you do the same.

( Adonis grimaces )No, not that way, so

( Adonis makes a mouth )Now, one, two three.

( Rosetta comes between them )

Ros. [Rosetta]

Oh your grace.


Bah! How provoking.

Adon. [Adonis]

Thank the Gods! I don't think I could have got through it.


Girl, I went to your father's house this morning, on charitable thoughts intent---I heard he was

starving, so I took him a pair of leather shoe laces---I withdraw my gift! Plead not! I amresolved---Adonis, don't stay out in the open air too long, it may rain, and you might get damp

and get discolored, and I should never forgive myself. Au revoir mon cher ami.( Exit Duchess )

Ros. [Rosetta]

Oh! What have I done that she should be so cross?( She sees Adonis & is startled )

Oh how beautiful.


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Adon. [Adonis]

Really---

Ros. [Rosetta]

Excuse the abruptness of the remark but I couldn't help making it.

Adon. [Adonis]

Of course you couldn't---I'm not offended.

Ros. [Rosetta]

How good of you to say so---you see I am a simple village maiden to whom beauty of yourclassic style is a staggerer.

Adon. [Adonis]

While your bucolic loveliness has stamped its trade mark upon my heart.

[Page 216 ]

Ros. [Rosetta]

You are as elegantly phraseological as you are physically majestic and we provincials are

unaccustomed to such bewildering conjunctions.

Adon. [Adonis]

And your expressions smack more of the Bostonian elegantum than the Arkansasian vulgaris---

Are you a product of the cornfields of Jayville?

Ros. [Rosetta]

Yes, where were you born.


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Adon. [Adonis]

I never was.

Ros. [Rosetta]

Never was what.

Adon. [Adonis]

Never was born.

Ros. [Rosetta]

Gracious.

Adon. [Adonis]

I was quarried.

Ros. [Rosetta]

Quarried?

Adon. [Adonis]

Brought to the earth's surface by a gang of Italian laborers and a steam drill.

Ros. [Rosetta]

What do I hear?

Adon. [Adonis]

In my earlier days I was to be pitied, for my youth was full of blasted hopes and I have beenchiselled from my inception.


43/84

Ros. [Rosetta]

That is the best thing you ever got off.

Adon. [Adonis]

Excuse me---the best thing I ever got off was a sixty-dollar overcoat. What I got on it---I decline

to say.

Ros. [Rosetta]

How old are you.

Adon. [Adonis]

That is hard to determine, as I belong to the stone age.

Ros. [Rosetta]

You astone-age me.

( Crash )Whatever's that?

Adon. [Adonis]

Somebody trying his voice.

Ros. [Rosetta]

Oh! Pardon me but don't think me unmaidenly if I say that---I love you to distraction.

Adon. [Adonis]

Of course---you couldn't help yourself.

Ros. [Rosetta]


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Then may I hope.

Adon. [Adonis]

Hope on forever.

Ros. [Rosetta]

Then I am yours.

Adon. [Adonis]

Then you and I are one.( Duet & dance )

( Enter Bunion Turke )

Bun. [Bunion]

Ah my daughter in the arms of a lordly vilyun!

Ros. [Rosetta]

Father!

Bun. [Bunion]

Begone! You are no longer a child of mine---I close my poor but honest door upon your form, asI close my poor but honest heart upon your memory---Go! Starve! Die! I care not!

( Sees lunch on table )Ah lunch.

( take off hat & sweeps lunch in it )

( Bunion is about to exit )

Adon. [Adonis]

Stay, if you want lunch you must buy beer at the counter.


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Bun. [Bunion]

Ah you would not only deprive the old man of his sole support, but you would deprive him of the

consolation of a free lunch.

Adon. [Adonis]

Second old man, I love your daughter and would marry her, and

[Page 217 ]

would keep her upon all the luxuries that a railway-brakesman's salary can afford.

Bun. [Bunion]

If you will keep me---you can have her with pleasure.

Adon. [Adonis]

Keep you? I should think I would. Keep you in the woodshed and use you as a saw buck.

Bun. [Bunion]

Listen---Twenty years ago, upon a dark tempestuous night---when the thunder thundered, the

rain rained, & the lightning lightened, seated at my little old log cabin in the lane---

Ros. [Rosetta]

Oh Pa---you make me so fatigued.

Adon. [Adonis]

Is that old man your father?

Ros. [Rosetta]

I cannot tell a lie---He is.


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Adon. [Adonis]( tapping miller's chest---flour comes out )

What's that.

Bun. [Bunion]

That's emotion.

Ros. [Rosetta]

He's a miller---But how are we to cross the river?

Adon. [Adonis]( turning upstage )

The Duchess's coal-barge approaches.

( Enter Artea & Talamea )

Tal. [Talamea]

Hold!

Ros. [Rosetta]

Who is that young party.

Adon. [Adonis]

A very old friend of mine.

Tal. [Talamea]

Oh Adonis, exquisite creation of my exuberant fancy, will you not pity me.

Art. [Artea]


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Not cured yet?

Ros. [Rosetta]

( to Adonis )

The lady knows you methinks.

Adon. [Adonis]

Yes, she used to be cashier at a restaurant that I used to go to.

Tal. [Talamea]

Inhuman monster!

Ros. [Rosetta]

Don't you call my young man names.( Raises hands theateningly )

Adon. [Adonis]

Don't hit her with those, get an axe.

Tal. [Talamea]

Wed her, never!

( Enter Duchess )


Who talks of wedding.

Tal. [Talamea]

Adonis would marry this girl.


48/84


Wed her, never! What ho! my guards

( enter guards &c. )If he attempts to go, slay him on the spot.

Tal. [Talamea]

Oh do not handle him roughly, he may yet be brittle.

Art. [Artea]

Fear not, I will save him.


( to Marq )

Marquis take that girl away.( Marq. endeavours & gets buffetted )

Bun. [Bunion]

Listen: Twenty years ago, when Rosetta was but a little prattler, I remember---( Tiger diverts his attention with bottle )

Ah!

Art. [Artea]

( to Adonis )

Take this magic cane. It possesses a charm that will keep you from harm, and the knees of yourpantaloons from bagging.


Now let him be locked up & fed on bread and water till time and a

[Page 218 ]


49/84

reduced system of dieting shall have cured him of this mad infatuation.

Adon. [Adonis]

I will try the power of my magic cane.

( Finale: Chorus & picture---Ros. & Adon, up stairs in centre )

( Chorus )

He would away---here he must stay

Till he is gray---hidden away---In tower grim, quick lock him in

Feed him on bread---straw for his bed.

Tal. [Talamea]

Oh spare him so beautifulAltho' to me not dutiful.

Art. [Artea]

Fear not I will protect him for your sake.

Ros. [Rosetta]

I will go with him, so beautiful

And be to him so dutifulAnd never cause him sorrow pain or ache.


He shall not thus escape, for on his track I will be quick,

My vengeance he's excited, and to him I'll ever ever stick.

Adon. [Adonis]

Fools I do defy you, I'll be far far from your searchUnless this magic cane deceives me

And leaves me, and leaves me in the lurch.

Chorus .


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Oh spare him, spare him DuchessLet not his life be past in gloom

Oh spare him, spare him DuchessAnd give him elbow room.

With head erect and martial step

He frowns upon his foeHis handsome face displays contemptHis nervous actions show.

That he intends, and quickly tooAway from here to press

And take his bride, the fair RosetteOn the limitted Express.

Picture---End of Act I

Act II

Sc. 1

Rustic Sc.

Chorus

Oh yes we are the chorus

The happy, happy chorusThat stand in lines upon the stage

[Page 219 ]

In comic opera.Stage-managers abhor us

And with rehearsals bore usAbout the way we wear our hair

Are most particulair.Our hands we use like this---

Like this we use our feetAnd dance around so gracefully

To see us is a treat.And sometimes flop like this:


51/84

Solo .

When at the forge I hammered horse-shoes

Male .

Opera, friends said, pined for me.

Del Puente I quite shadedBut in the chorus yet I be.

Chorus .

When at &c.

Solo .

When I gave up my board and wash tub

Female .

Upon the stage to tra-la-le

I thought that wealth my voice would bring meBut in the chorus yet I be.

Solo .

When I left Whiteley's ribbon counter

Male .

Upon the stage my high chest C

I thought 'twould fill the world with wonderBut in the chorus yet I be.

Cho. [Chorus]

When we left our occupations

Just to seek varietyWe little thought as years rolled onward

In the chorus yet we be.Oh yes we are &c.

( Exit Chorus---Enter Tal. & Artea )

Tal. [Talamea]


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Is it possible that Adonis has chosen this humble village for his abode?

Art. [Artea]

Speak not so slightingly of it---It is the county seat---and its gentlemanly treasurer has justabsconded with the funds.

Tal. [Talamea]

Then it is more progressive than I thought. But tell me, will Adonis never be mine again

Art. [Artea]

Yes but before that time he must be punished for his ingratitude, and from now on misfortunes

shall crowd thick and fast upon him.

Tal. [Talamea]

He'll not be hurt much, will he?

Art. [Artea]

The cane I gave him will protect him from bodily harm, but he shall find that in spreading thebutter of pleasure too greedily upon the bread of life he is liable to be put off with the

oleomargarine of disappointment.

[Page 220 ]

Tal. [Talamea]

He'll never eat bread & butter when he can get cake.

Art. [Artea]

In the meantime the Duchess will sue him for breach of promise---Rosetta deceived by theMarquis, will desert Adonis---and the daughters of your enemy disguised as Opera Bouffers will


53/84

hither come and torture him with the old old melodies we all know so well and they sing sobadily.

Tal. [Talamea]

Isn't the village set with more than ordinary care today?

Art. [Artea]

In honor of the wedding of Adonis & Rosetta a village fete will soon take place.

Tal. [Talamea]

But they will not wed.

Art. [Artea]

Fear not---here comes one whose villainous machinations will do much to prevent it.

( Exit Art. & Tal. R.---Enter Marquis L. )


In this disguise I can defy detection. I have tracked Adonis to this village---I am going to servehim with the papers announcing the breach of promise instituted by the Duchess of Area---Then

I will steal away his bride, the fair Rosetta---finally I will denounce him to the BritishAuthorities as a dynamiter---Ah here comes Rosetta, I will hide in yonder grove and watch for an

opportunity to accost her.( Exit R. )

( Enter Ros. L. )

Ros. [Rosetta]

All Nature smiles upon my wedding day---Everything smiles upon my wedding day---Even thehorny handed day laborer goes into the village inn and at the bar he smiles---upon my wedding

day. But where is Adonis---Ah I see him. Even on our wedding morn he is too conscientious toneglect his customers. He comes disguised as a milkman, with the pride of conscious manhood

on his brow and a milk-pail in his hand.( Exit L. )


54/84

( Enter Adonis with milk-pail )

Adon. [Adonis]

( going to pump and filling can )

Ah my dear old friend---even if my neighbour's cows go back on me---they will never miss the

milk until the pump runs dry. I serve city customers, and if I gave them the real article I mightpoison them. Yes it may be bad water, but it never would be bad milk---Now tell me dearest

what think you of my plan of disguise.

Ros. [Rosetta]

Excellent Adonis---you're a genius.

Adon. [Adonis]

Yes but I must get something for the wedding breakfast.

Ros. [Rosetta]

Don't be long.

Adon. [Adonis]

Fear not---I'm only going to the mountains to shoot a few Welsh rabbits for breakfast.( Exit )

Ros. [Rosetta]

Dear thoughtful fellow---He knows that I adore Welsh rabbits---I

[Page 221 ]

wonder if he will kill any---oh yes---he's sure to kill something, if he doesn't know the gun'sloaded.

( Gun heard off---Adonis rushes on & falls in Rosetta's arms )


55/84

Adon. [Adonis]

I am hemmed in by my pursuers. On the winding road in the valley are the Duchess daughters,on the other side I beheld the Marquis whilst on the mountain's peak seven miles off I saw a

troop of soldiers playing seven-up with Buffalo Bill's Indians---but fear not Rosetta, I will never

be taken alive---Rather than that I would eat pies of your making and die of indigestion.

Ros. [Rosetta]

I have an idea.

Adon. [Adonis]

Give it to me---I may write a play.

Ros. [Rosetta]

My wardrobe is extensive.

Adon. [Adonis]

It would have to be.

Ros. [Rosetta]

You put on one of my dresses, and thus disguised you may elude them and when the Marquis &Duchess have gone---the wedding can proceed.

Adon. [Adonis]

Brave girl---you have the great big head---I will do as you say---More would I say to you, ifmore I had to say, but as it is, farewell, farewell.

( Exit into cottage )

Ros. [Rosetta]

Will he baffle them---he must for I have bought my wedding dress, and I'm going to be married

or know the reason why.


56/84

( Enter Marquis )


Can you direct me to Earlswood.

Ros. [Rosetta]

Oh, a stranger.


No, I'm a New York detective working up a case against one Adonis Marble who has lately

purchased a milk[ sic ]

here.

Ros. [Rosetta]

Adonis---a detective---oh heaven. What is it? A bank robbery or a simple embezzlement.


He is connected with a gang of determined ticket speculators and he has two wives sitting in thelap of poverty in Paris, Kentucky.

Ros. [Rosetta]

Can you give me proofs of this.


I can, and if it doesn't come naturally I'll manufacture it.

Ros. [Rosetta]

Then I am yours.


57/84


I haven't asked for you yet.

Ros. [Rosetta]

I know that, but in all well constructed dramas whenever the villain gives the leading lady proofof her husband's baseness, she always says then I am yours.


Thanks awfully---but I'm rather busy just now---Meet me on your mountain's forehead---I meanbrow---and there I will give you the proofs of your would-be husband's perfidy.

Ros. [Rosetta]

Stay, have I now seen those features before---are you not---

[Page 222 ]


No, I'm another fellow altogether. Besides it's impossible for you to recognize me, I have put on

another suit of clothes, and I've changed my name---and if you did recognize me you would spoilall my plans, and you wouldn't do that---now would you.

Ros. [Rosetta]

Not for the wide wide world.


Don't mention it.

Ros. [Rosetta]


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Trust to me---the simple village maiden has not been to the theatre on a free pass for nothing.

( Enter Bunion L. )

Bun. [Bunion]

Ah my child in the grasp of a lordly vilyun---go, you are no longer a child of mine.

Ros. [Rosetta]

Oh Pa don't bother---I am busy now.( Exit )

Bun. [Bunion]

I never can have an agreeable recreation---no matter, I'll call her into the kitchen, & curse herover the stationary washtub---I'll show her. Oh before I go

( to Marq: )Twenty years ago when I was eating peas with my knife---

( Marq. seizes him by the throat )


Another word and I'll ring the fire alarm.

Bun. [Bunion]

Well I'll tell that story if I die for it( goes to pig )

Twenty years---( pig falls---goes to donkey )

Twenty years---( donkey rears, kicks Marquis---Bunion exits )


Ah here come the Duchess's daughters to the village fete---I mustn't stay here, but in the midst ofthe fete Adonis shall meet his fate in me---I'll serve him with the papers, steal away his bride,

denounce him as a dynamiter & then the polished villain will be master of the situation.( falls over pig )


59/84

'Tis nothing, merely an everyday hog-currence---I'm glad I said that it's so villainous.( Exit R. Enter Five Venuses---Five Olivettes---Five Crusoes and Five Merry Wars )

Pat. [Pattie]

Now let each one do the best she can to win the heart of the man she loves.

Hat. [Hattie]

See a village girl approaches, you retire girls whilst I question her about Adonis.

( Exit chorus and enter Adonis from house L. disguised as girl )

Adon. [Adonis]

Ah strangers!

Hat. [Hattie]

Don't be afraid pretty one, we won't hurt you.

Adon. [Adonis]

Please don't---I'm so timid you know.

Mat. [Mattie]

Sweet innocent.

Adon. [Adonis]

What are you? Drummers?

Mat. [Mattie]

No.

Adon. [Adonis]


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I wish you were---I like drummers.

Nat. [Nattie]

Do you? Why?

Adon. [Adonis]

They are so cute! When they come to our village they always stay at Pa's hotel---and they are so

kind.

[Page 223 ]

Nat. [Nattie]

You must be glad of anything to break the monotony of a village life.

Adon. [Adonis]

Oh we have lots of fun here. Sometimes theatrical troupes come along---and they generally stayquite a while.

Pat. [Pattie]

They get so fond of the place?

Adon. [Adonis]

No---They find it hard to get their trunks out---I'm going on the stage, when I get older.

All .

You!

Adon. [Adonis]


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Yes---One of the actor gentlemen heard me speak a piece, and he said that if Pa would receipt his

board bill, he'd get me an engagement.

Nat. [Nattie]

What was the piece?

Adon. [Adonis]

It's real good---would you like to hear it?

All .

Very much.

Adon. [Adonis]

Well don't laugh at me and I'll speak it just as I did in the schoolroom.

( Recitation delivered in an awkward girlish manner )

All .

Capital.

Nat. [Nattie]

Now can you tell us anything about Adonis Marble.

Adon. [Adonis]

Oh that must be the young man that was here yesterday. He was peddling clocks.

Nat. [Nattie]

Peddling clocks.


62/84

Adon. [Adonis]

Yes, and I learned how to dance from him.

Hat. [Hattie]

Can you dance too?

Adon. [Adonis]

Oh yes---we have lots of practice. We have a sociable here once every six months, and we finish

in this manner.( Dances )

(After Dance exit Daughters & enter Marquis)


Ah! a village divinity.

Adon. [Adonis]

Now you just stop that.


Oh I can't.

Adon. [Adonis]

Well stop that---

( strikes Marquis who falls---exit Adonis into house )


Ah well I suppose it serves me right---with the Duchess and Rosetta to bend my knee to as a

suitor I ought to be satisfied: "Ne sutor ultra crepi---"( Donkey kicks Marq. )


63/84

When all is quiet I'll return and poison that donkey.

( Enter Bunion & Villagers )

Bun. [Bunion]

Now lads and lasses come on, the sports will be opened with a circus by Messrs. Tills, Sills, Bills

& Gills.

( Circus bus )

( At end of Circus, re-enter Adon. & Rosetta )

Ros. [Rosetta]

My friends, let me present to you my future husband.

Adon. [Adonis]

They are Opera Bouffers.

[Page 224 ]

Ros. [Rosetta]

Opera Bouffers, oh, how shocking.

Adon. [Adonis]

Now lads and lasses let's on to the refreshment counter.

( Enter Marquis )


Is Adonis Marble anywhere about?


64/84

Adon. [Adonis]

I am he.


In the name of the commonwealth of Sag-Harbor, I serve you with these papers

( bus ) ( Marquis knocked down by bricks, barrel & club )However, as you appear to be rather busy about here I'll call some other time.

( Marquis exits---in passing donkey is kicked )

Adon. [Adonis]

I'll go & get the cake.

( enters house )

( Re-enter Marquis )

Ros. [Rosetta]

( to Marq. )

Now sir your proofs.

Marq:

They are here---behold this copy of the daily paper---"We regret to inform our numerous readers

that we have learned the painful news that Adonis Marble snores."

Ros. [Rosetta]

He cannot be so base---I refuse to believe it.

Marq:

Come with me.

( Enter Adonis & Recitative )

Adon. [Adonis]


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Where is Rosetta---I have here the cake.

Cho. [Chorus]

He takes the cake.


False one she is here

Cho. [Chorus]

Yes she's all there.

Ros. [Rosetta]

I've learned the painful fact you snore.

Cho. [Chorus]

Oh horrid fact he snores.

Adon. [Adonis]

I do not snore

Cho. [Chorus]

No.

Adon. [Adonis]

I cannot snore.


66/84

Cho. [Chorus]

What?

Adon. [Adonis]

For on my nose I wear a clothespin.

Cho. [Chorus]

He wears a clothespin.

Ros. [Rosetta]

Produce the clothespin and I am yours.

Adon. [Adonis]

Oh Heavens!

Cho. [Chorus]

What?

Adon. [Adonis]

I've lost the clothespin.

Bun. [Bunion]

My boy your magic cane.

Cho. [Chorus]

Oh joy he's safe.

( Bus. & )


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( Closed-in )

Sc. 2

( Front Scene---Landscape )

( Enter Talamea & Artea )

[Page 225 ]

Art. [Artea]

Cheer up Talamea, your trials are nearly over. This very day I will restore Adonis to you.

Tal. [Talamea]

Gracious Patroness---How can I think you & show my gratitude.

Art. [Artea]

By holding fast to your art. Genius & Love have never yet, and never can agree---both are

autocrats and cannot brook a rival.

Tal. [Talamea]

But tell me what has become of Adonis since the day you rescued him from the power of the

Marquis.

Art. [Artea]

Guided by my unseen influence he wended his way to a village nearby and sought employment

in a store---in one short week so talented a financier has he proved to be, that he has driven hisemployer into bankruptcy, and been given the post of receiver by the creditors.


68/84

Tal. [Talamea]

How clever he is.

Art. [Artea]

In that obscure spot he hopes to elude the vengeance of the Marquis & the consequences of his

rash flirtations.

Tal. [Talamea]

Did he not madly love Rosetta?

Art. [Artea]

No. In conferring life upon him I studiously refrained from meddling with his heart, that still ismarble & he will ere long pray to be restored to the inactivity of his former existence.

Tal. [Talamea]

Oh haste that consummation so devoutly to be wished.( Exeunt )

( Enter Marquis )


I have frequently observed that my time would come---it has---a week has elapsed since the dayon which Adonis eluded my vengeance and although the soldiers have been on his track ever

since, he is still at liberty and I am still disfigured---But no matter, I have alienated from him theaffections of his village beauty whom I have secretly married---I'll destroy the wedding

certificate---shoot the clergyman who married us---then I'll wed the Duchess---kill Adonis---poison the donkey & I think by that time I shall be the most polished villain of this and every

other age.

Ros. [Rosetta]

( who has overheard Marq. )

Indeed---


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You here---then you've heard---

Ros. [Rosetta]

All. A very neat plan that of yours my lord Marquis, but you have neglected to include my say inthe combination.


My dear---

Ros. [Rosetta]

You aspire to be the greatest villain of the age. Why you couldn't earn your living as a

confidence gentleman.


Rosetta!

Ros. [Rosetta]

I am but a simple village maiden but I know how to get a divorce, so beware.


You really must have misunderstood what I said.

Ros. [Rosetta]

Then don't misunderstand what I say---I shall leave South Lambeth and reside in Paris. I shallentertain the nobility---I will have my

[Page 226 ]


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portrait painted by Meissonier, and tear it up, if he doesn't make me twice as handsome as I am---and you as my husband, must foot the bill.


What have I caught on to?

Ros. [Rosetta]

A simple village maiden, who clad in her innate nobility of soul must ever be a match for the

titled imbecility of an effete despotism.


Oh spare me.

Ros. [Rosetta]

Oh I can spare you at any time---but your wealth and title I will cling to, even as a prima donnaholds to the D of her upper register.


Oh lor!

Ros. [Rosetta]

I am a simple little village maiden, but I know my rights.

( Exit )

( Change of Scene )

Sc. 3

( Country Store Set )

( Adonis discovered )


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Adon. [Adonis]

Having been appointed receiver of this bankrupt stock I can safely say that in two weeks I shall

be sole proprietor---in the meantime I have several disguises here by which I can escape thevengeance of the Marquis.

( Enter woman with basket for eggs )

Eggs---yes ma'am---How will you have them---raw, fried or omelette. Raw? One dozen raw.

( Enter young lady for dry-goods )

Why Miss Doolittle, how do you do. Ribbons? Yes miss---That was a delightful time we had atthe party last week was it not? This shade? Yes---one or two yards? Bertie Spoondyke and I had

quite a time after we left there---oh yes---Bertie drank so much ginger in his lemonade that hegot real brave---Wanted to waylay a policeman and ask him what time it was---wasn't he awful?

Bertie's real strong too---he carries his cane four blocks without dropping it---Lace tidies? Yes,36c apiece---yes, it is rather dear for tidies. Well, we'll make it two for a half---Is there anything

else? That'll be 36 and 18---that'll be a dollar five---good morning---now mind you come to ournext sociable---we're going to have real oysters in the stew---good morning. And so I suit my

style to the articles I dispense.

( Enter soldier )

Soldier .

Is this the drug store---I want a little Vichy please---and a little whiskey.

( fills glass )

Adon. [Adonis]

25c please.

Soldier .

I'll take a little more please.( again fills glass )

Adon. [Adonis]


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8c please.

[Page 227 ]

Soldier .

Why how's that?

Adon. [Adonis]

Wholesale price. Ah, a customer at the---( Exit soldier )

postoffice( changes to Dutch postmaster )

Girl .

Any letters for Phoebe Perkins?

Adon. [Adonis]

How do you spell Phoebe, with an F or a fee---no letters for Phoebe with a fee. A postmaster

should be a happy lot---He is a man of letters, a card well posted, and has all the stamps at hiscommand.

( Enter Marq. )


Any letters for the Marquis de Baccarat?

Adon. [Adonis]

The Marquis!

( disappears )



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That voice! Can it be possible that under that exterior lie hidden the classical outlines of Adonis--

-if it should be he---I have the troops outside and---

Adon. [Adonis]

D'ye vant to buy a coat?


Not at present---where's the postmaster?

Adon. [Adonis]

He's gone to get reappointed.


I'll call again.

Adon. [Adonis]

Better buy a suit of mourning for yer oder eye.


Not this evening.

Adon. [Adonis]

Good morning.


I'm convinced 'twas he, now to call in the troops.( Exit )


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Adon. [Adonis]

Discovered but not lost, of course not, a man can't be lost if he is discovered.( changes rapidly to barber )


Hi! You sir.

Adon. [Adonis]

You're next! Shave or haircut?


Where is the postmaster. I want to see him.

Adon. [Adonis]

Well go and see him.


But where has he gone to?

Adon. [Adonis]

Seein' you round I guess he's gone to lock up his money.

Marq. [Marquis de Baccarat]( to soldiers )

He can't have gone out there without our seeing him. You search the house whilst I watch on the

outside---ah here comes that old man---he'll be wanting to tell me a story about---

Bun. [Bunion]

( outside )


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Twenty years ago---

( Exit Marquis. Enter Bunion )

Why that was the Marquis---I wonder what could have excited my son-in-law.

Adon. [Adonis]

His son-in-law---Then Rosetta is false---so much the better---one complication the less. Next---

Bun. [Bunion]

Ah I want a shave---a quick shave---I'm in a great hurry---I have to catch the next train.

Adon. [Adonis]

Well you bet yer sweet life you'll catch it---I'm be de lightnin' tonsorial artist of the East Side.

[Page 228 ]

Bun. [Bunion]

Can you shave a man in ten minutes?

Adon. [Adonis]

Why I killed a man last week in less time than that.

( Bunion in chair )

Bun. [Bunion]

Eh?

Adon. [Adonis]

Well now you'll catch dat train, now don't you fret---


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( going on with barber's preliminaries )Say ain't you makin' a mistake about de time dat train goes.

Bun. [Bunion]

No I'm not and if you don't hurry up I'll miss---( Adonis puts brush in his mouth )

Adon. [Adonis]

Don't you know better dan to speak wid your mouth open in a barber's chair.

Bun. [Bunion]

Oh make haste.

Adon. [Adonis]

Don't you worry---you'll catch that train.( Barber bus---Bell on telephone rings---Adonis goes to it )

Hello! Eh? Oh yes! Say is dat de restaurant? What have you got for dinner? What? Didn't I paydat last check? Oh! Dat's all right! Send me a glass of beer and a sandwich.

Bun. [Bunion]

Come on! Do hurry up.

Adon. [Adonis]

( resuming work )

I know my business.( Telephone---Adonis goes to it---flap falls---he takes out plate of sandwiches and beer )

Say! I'll match you whether I have my lunch first & shave you afterwards, or shave youafterwards and have my lunch first.

Bun. [Bunion]

Oh do go on.( Enter Woman with Basket )


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Adon. [Adonis]

Good mornin' Mrs. Reilly, what kin I do for you---Two bars of soap? Yes Ma'am, ten cents.

How's Lizzie?

Bun. [Bunion]( fidgeting )

Come on.

Adon. [Adonis]

Tell her I'll call to-night Mrs. Reilly wid de rest of de gang.

Bun. [Bunion]

Can't you make haste.

Adon. [Adonis]

What's de matter wid you? You'll catch dat train---de conductor's a friend of mine.( Bus of shaving continued and finished )

What'll you have, bay rum or vitriol?

( Enter Rosetta to drug counter )

Ros. [Rosetta]

A glass of Vichy please.

Adon. [Adonis]

Rosetta!( Disappears )

Ros. [Rosetta]


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That voice! Adonis!

Bun. [Bunion]

Rosetta!

Ros. [Rosetta]

Pa!

Bun. [Bunion]

Begone you are no longer---

Ros. [Rosetta]

Oh rubbish.

Bun. [Bunion]

Excuse me, I forgot the change in our circumstances. But when one gets into the habit of turning

out his child every day for five years, it's hard to break the habit.

[Page 229 ]

Ros. [Rosetta]

Pa, I've seen him.

Bun. [Bunion]

I wish I could see him---look how he's left me.

Ros. [Rosetta]

Adonis?


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Bun. [Bunion]

No that confounded barber!

Ros. [Rosetta]

'Twas he disguised.

Bun. [Bunion]

Adonis the barber---I'll go & tell the Marquis---

Ros. [Rosetta]

The Marquis? I hate him---All my former love for Adonis has returned---I shall leave this

miserable Marquis.

Bun. [Bunion]

Leave the Marquis! And deprive me of the yearly allowance he makes me to keep out of his

sight? Go, you are no longer a child of mine. No don't go, Rosie---there's a secret in the family, asecret which at last you should know.

Ros. [Rosetta]

A secret! What is it?

Bun. [Bunion]

Twenty years ago---

Ros. [Rosetta]

Oh! Don't bother, I must be off to get a divorce before the court closes.

Bun. [Bunion]


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But Rosie reflect.

Ros. [Rosetta]

When I have procured a divorce then I will reflect.( Exit .)

Bun. [Bunion]

Go, you are---( sees beer on counter )

Ah beer( goes to drink it and it moves away on slide )

You are no longer a beer of mine.( Exit )

( Enter Duchess )


Not here, then I must have been misinformed. I have assumed this costume in order to captivatemy Adonis. And if I cannot capture him by force of charms, I will by force of arms. I never will

relinquish my search.

( Enter Marquis )


Ah Duchess, the very person I wished to see.


You told me I should find Adonis here.


Well he was here.


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Was me no wases, but where is he?


I don't know---oh, but never mind him, let us attend to our own affairs. My wife has just gone

out to get a divorce. She said she'd not be very long, and when she comes back, you and I willwed.


Wed you!


Yes awfully jolly.


With such a face and figure! Never!


But my dear Duchess---


Never! Never! Never!( Exit )


Adonis was here, and the chances are he'll come back again---let me see now what plan shall Idecide upon

( sits in chair )Let me consider---

( back of chair slips & throws Marquis over )---a good idea---I'll hide here.


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( Hides L. )

[Page 230 ]

( Enter Adonis )

Adon. [Adonis]

Now to make good my escape---first to secure the registered letters and then for the next train to

Honolulu.

( Marquis springs out in front of Adonis )


Trapped at last.

Adon. [Adonis]

Never! And when a man says never in a situation like this, nothing will satisfy the audience butblood.


You shall be thoroughly satisfied.( goes to telephone )

Adon. [Adonis]

What would you do?


Call out the troops.

( puts speaking tube to his mouth---flour comes out into his face )

Adon. [Adonis]


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( with razor )

Beware of this razor, sir, I am razorlute.


I care not, for I hone a razor too. Now we are equal.

Adon. [Adonis]

Not so---that razor was last used on a sewing-machine agent's cheek and has not been worth acent since.

( They fight until Marquis leaps through mirror---change scene )

Sc. 4

( Front Scene---Fantastic Trees )

( Enter Artea & Talamea )

Tal. [Talamea]

You promised to restore Adonis to me and now that he has made his escape, he is as far from meas ever.

Art. [Artea]

He is safe in my sunny home, whither I have directed the footsteps of the Duchess and herretainers---I will take you there.

( Scene changes to )

Sc. 5

( Home of the Genius of Art )

( Enter guards---march & form picture---Enter Duchess, Rosetta, Four daughters, Bunion &

Marquis )


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Art. [Artea]

Now Adonis shall choose for himself. Adonis!

( Enter Adonis )

Choose between this life of care and strife and the peaceful seclusion of your sculptress' studio.

Adon. [Adonis]

Oh take me away and petrify me---place me on my old familiar pedestal---and hang a placardround my neck:---"HANDS OFF."

Finale

( Repeat portion of Finale of Act I during which Adonis is transformed into a statue, and ascends

stage [?]).

Back matter

Curtain

Adonis - Libretto (WP)

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