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Forward30 Practical Parenting Tips You Will Never Learn from
theMoviesApril 10, 2012 |by Alexis Dubief|featured, fun links, new
mom, parentingDustin Rowles is the senior Overlord over at Pajiba,
where I spend most of my time diddling on the Internet, reading up
on movies Ill neverhave the childcare to go see and arguing about
which Masterpiece Theater leading man is the hottest (there is only
one answer to thisquestion and it is obviously Colin Firth). He
recently wrote a really great and funny piece on parenting which I
would never have the courageto write myself. He also graciously
allowed me to repost it here. Enjoy!I thought I would offer some
words of wisdom from a Dad who really doesnt know what the hell hes
doing half the time, but has stillsomehow managed to be a parent to
one wonderful child for nearly five years without killing him. I
also happen to be in the midst of raisingnewborn twins (also, still
alive!), so all of this is marvelously and excruciatingly fresh to
me.So, I offer for new parents these 30 Practical Parenting Tips
You Will Never Learn from Movies and Television.1. They never
really discuss in movies the single most terrifying thing about
raising a newborn: SIDS. Before youre a parent, it seemsethereal,
but during the first six month of your infants life, its like this
all encompassing obsession. Nobody knows why it happens, but
thatdoesnt stop doctors from attributing it to about 4,000
different factors, all of which become insanely terrifying. The
reason why parents13/06/2013 30 Practical Parenting Tips You Will
Never Learn from the Movies - Troublesome
Totswww.troublesometots.com/practical-parenting-tips/ 2/18dont
sleep the first six months of a childs life is because theyre
waking up EVERY 15 MINUTES to make sure their baby is still
alivebecause the medical profession has put the fear of God in us.
YOUR BABY COULD DIE FOR NO REASON. However, if the babysleeps on
its back, its risk for SIDS is halved for some reason. The rate of
SIDS also increase in babies who sleep in their parents bed,which
is why I think that SIDS is a vast conspiracy perpetuated by the
crib industry.2. What to Expect Books are the worst. Every new
parent will have a copy of What to Expect In Your First Year. You
may have fivecopies, because every one will want to buy you one.
Why? To scare you to death. Basically, theyre reference books. If
your child gets asmall rash, you go to the book to find out what it
is. The book will say something along the lines of, Your baby may
be teetering on theedge of death. Consult your doctor immediately
before its too late. If you dont, your BABY WILL DIE. Or it could
just be a small rash,so dont worry about it. Its definitely one or
the other or something else all together.Corollary: If you use the
Internet to search for symptoms, Yahoo Answers will invariably show
up at the top of the search engine listings.NEVER LISTEN TO THESE
PEOPLE. THEY ARE CRAZY.3. There are a lot of doctors appointments
during the first year. Its very unglamorous. Your baby will be
measured, weighed, and givenshots on a near weekly basis. You will
spend half your waking hours in doctors waiting rooms, surrounded
by sick children who couldpotentially infect your child, leading to
ALMOST CERTAIN DEATH according to the What to Expect books.4. The
first time your baby poops, typically in the delivery room, it will
be something called meconium, which is comprised of what yourbaby
eats in utero. Meconium is a sticky substance that looks like it
belongs in a tar pit. When my first born pooped the first time, it
lookedlike someone blowing a bubble-gum bubble, only it was black
and it came out of his ass. Dont worry. This is normal, but the
nurses will geta kick out of your horrified face. All nurses have a
macabre sense of humor and they love to make new Dads squirm. Also,
if you dosomething hilariously stupid during the delivery, that
story will be relayed to every new patient that nurse have for the
next decade.5. Natural childbirth is beautiful, but its not
beautiful. Husbands: Be aware that your wifes pelvis looks like its
going to break when itopens up like the jaws of death to unleash
your baby into the world. It is simultaneously sickening,
terrifying, and awesome. You will neverhave more respect for your
wife than after her bones shape shift to make room for a babys
head. If, on the other hand, your wife is havinga C-section, DO NOT
LOOK OVER THE BLANKET. Not unless you want to see what your wifes
organs look like.6. To you, your newborn baby will look like the
most perfect thing youve ever seen. Other people may say something
along the lines of,You have a beautiful baby. I always say that,
but this time, I really mean it. He doesnt really mean it. Until
they fill out, newborns look likewrinkly old men, and once they do
fill out, they look like Don Zimmer. You wont recognize this for a
few years, not until you look back atpictures of your baby in the
days after he or she was born.7. Make sure the books you read to
your child are tolerable, because you will read them 1,000 times
each over the course of their first fewyears. Avoid unfamiliar
childrens books or books that you find on the shelves at
supermarkets. They are the worst. Also, the books you oryour
parents grew up with are almost certainly unsuitable now, unless
you like the idea that your child will live in perpetual fear of
swallowinga fly and dying.8. Movies and television often depict new
parents as sleep deprived, but they dont really explain why. Theres
two primary reasons: 1)You have to feed your baby every two to
three hours in the first few weeks, which will mean waking up
several times throughout the night.By the time you feed your baby,
change its diaper, and burp it, and clean up the mess, it will be
time to wake up again and begin the cycleanew, and 2) See #1: SIDS:
Anxiety will keep you awake. If your baby falls asleep, thats when
the anxiety is at its highest. Shes notmaking sounds. Therefore,
she may be dead. So, you have to get up and tussle her around to
make sure shes OK, and then she will wakeup and youll spend 15
minutes trying to get her back down, all because you were afraid
she wasnt breathing. Husbands: If your wifewakes up, YOU WAKE UP.
Dont be a dipshit. Misery loves company. A happy marriage is a
marriage in which both spouses are equallysleep-deprived.9. It
doesnt matter how much you love your significant other, or how much
he or she loves you. It doesnt matter if youve never had anargument
in your life. You will argue when you have a baby. You are tired.
You are thin-skinned. Everything will set you off. You will
assignblame to your significant other for everything, because
assigning blame absolves you of it. But rest assured, whatever it
was, it was yourfault.10. The one time someone actually caught this
reality in the media was in the pilot episode of Up All Night, and
it was perfect: You andyour significant other will have arguments
about who slept less. You will be under the illusion that, if you
can win that argument, you wonthave to be the one to get up and
tend to the child at 4 a.m. However, this is a devils trap. You
will spend more time arguing over who slept13/06/2013 30 Practical
Parenting Tips You Will Never Learn from the Movies - Troublesome
Totswww.troublesometots.com/practical-parenting-tips/ 3/18less than
it will take to actually perform the task. Moreover, if you win the
argument and are allowed to sleep 15 minutes more than
yoursignificant other, you will pay for it twice over, in the tasks
you will have to perform the next day because you got 15 minutes
more sleepthan I did. This is a good time to remind you of #8:
Misery loves company. You should both get up, that way no one ever
gets the upperhand.11. Often, movies and television will depict
babies pooping on their parents as comic relief. You may think this
is exaggerated for comedy.It is not. Last week, a baby projectile
spit-up in my face, all over my mouth. Just this morning, a baby
sprayed poop all over herself, all overmy shirt, and all over the
surrounding area. When you remove a diaper, ALWAYS HAVE THE NEXT
ONE WAITING. If theres even amillisecond between the time that you
remove a diaper and replace it with another, your baby will know.
She will take advantage of thatmillisecond and squirt poop in every
direction, and you will be surprised how far a baby can poop.
Whatever the space between the babyand a wall is, thats how far the
baby can poop.Moreover, I promise you that on more than one
occasion you will use your hand to catch your childs vomit, poop,
or even snotbefore it lands on the floor or the couch. Its much
easier to clean up your hand than the couch.12. Nursing mothers:
Youre doing Gods work. Bless you. Try not to stress about it. You
may be freaked out that youre not producingenough breastmilk to
keep your baby alive. That stress will cause you to produce less
milk, which will cause you to stress out even more,which is an
endless cycle that will end in the manual removal of every single
hair follicle in your head. Dont worry about it. Your baby willnot
die from starvation. IT WILL DIE OF SIDs.13. Invariably, your child
will develop hand, foot and mouth disease. It sounds HORRIBLE, like
something that will kill cattle. Its nothing.The palms of your
childs hand and foot will develop a rash, and you will immediately
think STIGMATA. Dont worry. Its a common virus.Your kid may feel
lousy for a few days, but its nothing. Take pictures. Freak out
your friends.14. Your kid will get sick, you will miss work, and
you will be that parent that you always criticized for missing work
because of a stupidchilds illness. Im sorry. Its unavoidable.
Unless you have close relatives who dont work, there will be no one
else to take care of yourchild. Even if its a mild fever with no
other symptoms, you cannot send that child to school. Or day care.
You will have to stay home. If youwork from home, youre double
fucked because not only will you saddled with the responsibility,
you will almost certainly also have to doyour job because society
believes that people that work from home dont actually work and
therefore they are free to do EVERYTHING.15. Colic is a myth, but
it will feel great to blame your childs constant crying on it. Its
a convenient excuse, but the reality is: Babies cry. Alot. When
theyre hungry, when theyre gassy, when theyre bored, when they want
you to hold them, or because its Tuesday and theyfucking feel like
it, OK. Its just easier to tell other people its colic because you
dont really fucking know whats wrong with the child.16. Dr. Sears?
Good luck. Follow his advice at your own risk, understanding that
attachment parenting is a wonderful, beautiful, gloriousthing,
until that moment you need five minutes to yourself but you cant
have it because your child is attached to you at the hip.
Permanently.17. The Ferber Method? Thats your call, but if you
decide to go that route and someone judges you for it, tell them to
fuck right off. If youdecide not to go that route, you will have to
wake up every half hour to put your baby back to bed.18. Cloth
diapers? Good luck. Its great. Its noble. Its better for the
environment. But when youre exhausted, sleep-deprived, and
yourhouse has fallen into shambles, the last thing you may want to
do is wash another load of shitty diapers. Its hard enough keeping
up with thelaundry when your baby only has three outfits because
she grows through an outfit every two weeks, and she soils all
three of those outfitsevery single day. Diaper services are great,
but do you really want to invite someone into your home when there
are 200 shitty diapers piledin a corner hamper and you have poop in
your hair?19. Stay-at-home mom? Good for you, if someone judges
you, tell them to fuck off. Working mom? Good for you, if someone
judges you,tell them to fuck off. Stay-at-home dad? Good for you,
if someone judges you, tell them to fuck off. Whatever path you
choose, never letyourself feel guilty for it. Are you a good
person? Then your baby is going to be just fine.20. Related:
Statistically speaking, your babys success in life is out of your
control. Behavior economics shows the same thing consistently:What
kind of parent you are is not as important as who you are in
predicting a childs socio-economic success. There are exceptions,
ofcourse, but overall, if you are affluent, your child will be
affluent. If you went to college, your child will go to college. If
you have a well-paying job, so will your child.21. Corollary: While
how you parent isnt as important as who you are in a childs
successful outcome, what kind of person is important towhat kind of
person your child will be. If you are a good tipper, your child
will be a good tipper. If you are an asshole, your child will be
anasshole.13/06/2013 30 Practical Parenting Tips You Will Never
Learn from the Movies - Troublesome
Totswww.troublesometots.com/practical-parenting-tips/ 4/1822. Its
never too early to line up childcare. If you plan on putting your
child in daycare, put yourself on a waiting list the day you find
outyou are pregnant. If you plan to put your child in preschool,
sign up the week your child is born. The best preschools fill up
quickly and thenyoull be stuck with that lady who has a playroom
set up in her basement with a television from 1979 thats always
tuned to Judge Judy.23. Your child may love rice or spaghetti.
Thats great! But its messy: Only half of it ever gets into your
childs mouth. The other half windsup on the floor. Wait until it
dries to try and clean it up. Its much easier.24. Wait until your
child goes to bed to pick up all the toys. If you try to pick up
throughout the day, youll spend the entire day cleaning up.It will
make you a very unhappy person.25. You may subscribe to the theory
that television is awful for your child. You may decide not to let
your child ever watch television. Goodfor you! But all the best
intentions in the world may collapse at the prospect of an extra
hour of sleep while your child watches SesameStreet. However,
Calliou is Satan reincarnated as a whiny, bald Canadian brat. Avoid
this show with your life.26. Children have a very literal sense of
humor. Not only do they not understand irony, they may not
understand the art of telling a joke.They may assign the same
punchline to every joke. For instance, if you tell this joke Knock
knock? Whos there? Lettuce?Lettuce who? Let us in, its cold out
here! your child may end every single knock knock joke for the next
six months with Let us in,its cold out here! even if it is
completely nonsensical. Play along. Its adorable.27. Taking a baby
or toddler onto a plane means giving up every shred of your
dignity. It means becoming that person youve always hated.It may be
the most miserable day of your existence. But if it means getting
your child to Florida where you mother will look after him for afew
hours while you enjoy a quiet meal at the only restaurant in town,
Applebees, then fuck em. You wont ever see the people on thatplane
again. Their misery is inconsequential in the face of the prospect
of free childcare and a shitty piece of meat layered in gravy
andcheese. This rule does not, however, apply to movie theaters.
Dont be a douche.28. Speaking of movies: Different parents have
different ideas about when is a good time to take their kid to the
theater for the first time.Whenever you decide to do it, I suggest
a Saturday afternoon matinee for kids films: There are a ton of
kids and theyre all rowdy, so ithardly matters if your child is,
too. However, keep a few things in mind: Movie theaters are dark.
This may not mean anything to you, butyoung children may not want
to sit in a dark room for an hour and a half, especially if theyre
afraid of the dark. I also suggest arriving afterthe commercials
and previews, not because the commercials are harmful to your
child, but because if your kid has only ever been exposedto PBS
programming, that Pepsi commercial where Drake takes a refreshing
sip of Pepsi, turns into ice, and shatters may freak the shit outof
your kid. Daddy, why did that guy just explode? Will I explode if I
drink that?29. Dont feel obligated to sign your child up for
everything, particularly if enrolling your child in a certain
activity makes life more difficult foryou. If youre miserable
transporting your kid around the city and watching them flop around
on the floor in a tutu, that misery will bereflected in your child.
If your kid doesnt want to do piano lessons, dont make the kid do
piano lessons. If he bawls every time you takehim to soccer
practice, take him out of soccer. A happy parent means a happy
child, and vice versa.30. Dont listen to anyone. Other parents will
dispense advice like candy (see: This post). Fuck em. Youll figure
it out on your own.Somehow, we all do. Read the books, dont read
the books. Follow whatever parenting method youd like, or no
parenting method at all.Do whatever it takes to work. Theres a
study that will validate everything you do, and another study to
tell you what youre doing is wrong.Just fucking love the kid like
youve never loved anything, and everything will turn out well.Like
3.3k Tweet Tweet 28 656 Comments1. AnaApril 10, 2012 at 11:41
pmWhen after 3 years of trying I fell pregnant I was over the moon!
When I had my son I was happy! Druged up,but very happy.
When13/06/2013 30 Practical Parenting Tips You Will Never Learn
from the Movies - Troublesome
Totswww.troublesometots.com/practical-parenting-tips/ 5/18the drugs
wore off and we got home there were no little hearts and fireworks
popping in my head.I had this little bunddle of scream tolook after
and when I didnt feel like a sleep deprived organism I felt like a
cow. And when the crying began I was thinking oh crapnot again. I
felt like st and failure and then I felt like failure for feeling
like failure. I soooo wanted to be a mum and I thought it
comesnaturally.Bullcrap! Now, 3 months later, I absolutely adore my
little man and all the things Ive learnt about being a parent Ive
learntfrom him.And this site And when a total stranger in a
supermarket tells me oh maybe he doesnt like to be swaddled I
politelyreply since you have made this your problem its now my
problem to tell you that until he is big enough to tell me what he
likes anddoesnt like hell just have to put up with what I think is
best for him!!!ReplyAlexisApril 13, 2012 at 3:37 pmMaybe you could
just get that since you have made this your problem printed on a
t-shirt which Im guessing you couldsell online and lots of people
would wear the to the grocery to circumvent the stranger who jumps
in with advice.-Thus sayeth the stranger who jumps in with
advice;)Alexis recently posted..The Sleep Scandal of 2012Reply2.
KimApril 11, 2012 at 12:45 amI love this!!! You are sort of a
phenom to me Alexis!!!ReplyAlexisApril 13, 2012 at 3:38 pmWow. This
is hard because I love that you think I am a phenom. However it
would be uncool of me not to tell you that I didntwrite it (see the
box at the top) and the person who DID is much smarter and funnier
than I am Alexis recently posted..I am the Official CIO
Spokesperson. Apparently.ReplyKimApril 13, 2012 at 10:22 pmYa I
read that after I posted the original reply! Hehe!I still think you
are all kinds of fabulous! As do the many people I have sent your
site to when they are complainingabout non sleeping
babies!!ReplyAlexisApril 19, 2012 at 8:28 am13/06/2013 30 Practical
Parenting Tips You Will Never Learn from the Movies - Troublesome
Totswww.troublesometots.com/practical-parenting-tips/ 6/18That is
very kind of you Dustin is seriously funny where Im just regular
funny. Course I usually write with twopreschoolers arguing about
legos behind me so maybe I would be funnier if I wasnt stopping
every 5 minutes torepeat,Let your brother have a turn!Alexis
recently posted..The Sleep Scandal of 2012Reply3. NicoleApril 11,
2012 at 4:05 amAwesome! My thoughts exactly!I am a first time mom
to a 3 month old son and its definitely not as glamorous as its
made out to be.Kudos for keeping it real!ReplyAlexisApril 13, 2012
at 3:40 pmI remember taking a long shower in a sleep-deprived fugue
about 2 months after giving birth, looking at what was then a
wreckof a body (literally a bloody jiggly mess) and thinking that I
would gladly loose all my toes if it meant I could leave the
cryingand the no sleeping and just go to a hotel for just one
blessedly quiet night.It gets better but no parenting a newborn is
definitely not glamorous Alexis recently posted..I am the Official
CIO Spokesperson. Apparently.Reply4. AmberApril 11, 2012 at 12:37
pmAwesome post! Im sharing it with my friends!ReplyAlexisApril 13,
2012 at 3:40 pmThanks for sharing Alexis recently posted..Your
Nemesis, The Short NapReply5. MulchmanApril 11, 2012 at 3:19
pm13/06/2013 30 Practical Parenting Tips You Will Never Learn from
the Movies - Troublesome
Totswww.troublesometots.com/practical-parenting-tips/ 7/18Loved it.
Spot on!ReplyAlexisApril 13, 2012 at 3:40 pmI know Dustin is the
man.Alexis recently posted..Are You Ready for Cry It Out?Reply6.
LauraApril 11, 2012 at 5:18 pmThis. Is. Hilarious.ReplyAlexisApril
13, 2012 at 3:41 pmYou. Are. Totally. Right.Alexis recently
posted..I am the Official CIO Spokesperson. Apparently.Reply7.
KristinApril 13, 2012 at 8:26 pmLove this line!!Are you a good
person? Then your baby is going to be just fine.ReplyAlexisApril
19, 2012 at 8:26 amIf you are an asshole, your child will grow up
to be an asshole.Alexis recently posted..30 Practical Parenting
Tips You Will Never Learn from the MoviesReply8. Candice13/06/2013
30 Practical Parenting Tips You Will Never Learn from the Movies -
Troublesome Totswww.troublesometots.com/practical-parenting-tips/
8/18April 30, 2012 at 2:51 am20. Related: Statistically speaking,
your babys success in life is out of your control. Behavior
economics shows the same thingconsistently: What kind of parent you
are is not as important as who you are in predicting a childs
socio-economic success. Thereare exceptions, of course, but
overall, if you are affluent, your child will be affluent. If you
went to college, your child will go tocollege. If you have a
well-paying job, so will your child.ReplyAlexisMay 10, 2012 at 8:16
pmWhich, if you are a well-educated affluent parent, is really good
news Alexis recently posted..10 Baby Sleep QuestionsReply9.
LislApril 30, 2012 at 3:25 amOmg this is hilarious and SO true! I
spenta lot of time smiling at all the arrogant advice of everyone
who believed they knew my babybetter than I ever could, then
walking away thinking,Sod off, tosser!And that overscheduling
nonsense craze going on right nowso glad to read someone talking
some actual sensesorry, I am notsacrificing my sanity in order to
keep my child from ever having a spare moment in his entire week. I
dont care what anyone says;those ocassional lazy days of summer
have a purpose, if for nothing else that when I kick him out of the
house for the zillionth time hefinally makes himself engage his
creativity. (Fortunately this problem is rare; typically I am
begging the universe to help me locate hisoff switch.)I wonder if
some of these over scheduled children, at age 25, will they be
still complaining to their parents how bored they
are?ReplyAlexisMay 10, 2012 at 8:19 pmMan I wish I could co-opt the
phrase Sod off tosser! without having people brutally tease me for
pretending to be European.But seriously? Such a great awesome
profanely cool thing to tell somebody. As an American Im stuck with
F off whichfrankly is mundane and leads to my kids dropping the F
bomb.My kids already say sheiza which is only semi-acceptable as
nobody knows what they mean.Also am with you with the scheduling.
Which isnt so bad (yet) as we live in rural VT so frankly there
just arent that manyover scheduling opportunities. But lots of
studies show that down time is when their brains process everything
(ie real learninghappens).Alexis recently posted..10 Baby Sleep
QuestionsReply10. MarieApril 30, 2012 at 8:23 am13/06/2013 30
Practical Parenting Tips You Will Never Learn from the Movies -
Troublesome Totswww.troublesometots.com/practical-parenting-tips/
9/18Funny! And much of it so true. Although, #18 about cloth
Diapers, I love my diaper service. The 50 cloth soiled cloth
diapers thatare kept in a special container arent any worse than
the batch of soiled diapers in the Diaper Genie.. Which I find
still gives off anodour. A poopy diaper, cloth or disposable Is a
poopy diaper.. Kind of like same sh*t different pile.ReplyAlexisMay
10, 2012 at 8:21 pmTrue diaper service makes all the difference.
Also not a fan of the Diaper Genie (expensive and smelly object in
your childsroom why?!?!).Alexis recently posted..10 Baby Sleep
QuestionsReply11. jeniMay 18, 2012 at 12:03 amI am a first time
mother to a 4-month old baby girl..It is really difficult to manage
your time when you do have a baby..you feel tiredeveryday,
sometimes you feel paranoid when the baby cries so often..Sometimes
you get to blame your partner for not cooperating,its like
honeymoon is over, and all your attention go the baby..But I
believe, we can get through this in due time. You can adjust astime
passes by..By the way i like your thoughts about practical
parenting.they were wrote honestly and based from your
experiences..jeni recently posted..Adjuster License
ReciprocityReplyAlexisJune 4, 2012 at 4:56 pmOf course you get past
this time! Obviously it is temporary. Or people would only ever
have one baby ever I didnt writethis (I wish I did!) but was so
glad to have permission to share Alexis recently posted..Cry it Out
When and Why?Reply12. Wilium ShatnerMay 25, 2012 at 2:58 amWow ! I
must say you are true to the core .. Your points are very true I
love your blog ReplyAlexisJune 4, 2012 at 4:57 pmI wish I could
take the credit for this one (Dustin Rowles wrote it) because it is
awesome!Alexis recently posted..Cry it Out When and Why?13/06/2013
30 Practical Parenting Tips You Will Never Learn from the Movies -
Troublesome Totswww.troublesometots.com/practical-parenting-tips/
10/18Reply13. ErifilyMay 31, 2012 at 8:52 amBrilliant! Just
brilliant!#18 My experience was kind of opposite using cloth
diapers (the pocket style ones) actually saved me from laundry as I
foundthem to be absolutely leak-proofI used several brands of throw
aways they gave us as a promo and had to change clothes after every
poopI do have diapers to wash but Im saved from all the
blow-outs#30 Totally agreed I like to hear other peoples stories,
but mostly as reference at the end of the day I find that following
myinstinct works bestMay 10, 2012 at 8:19 pm replyReally? You are
American? Your writing style gave me the erroneous impression you
were English ReplyAlexisJune 4, 2012 at 4:59 pmBugger it, do I
sound British? Maybe its the fact that I like to use the phrase
bullocks so much Glad you had good experience with the cloth
diapers. I was never brave enough to give them a go (huge upfront
expensescared me off!).Alexis recently posted..Bedtime What
Time?Reply14. HeatherJune 12, 2012 at 5:38 amAs the mother of an
almost 3 month old, this speaks volumes to me! I love that you
posted this! I was actually trying to writesomething similar, but
this is wayyyy better than anything I could have come up with.My
favorite one is19. Stay-at-home mom? Good for you, if someone
judges you, tell them to fuck off. Working mom? Good for you, if
someonejudges you, tell them to fuck off. Stay-at-home dad? Good
for you, if someone judges you, tell them to fuck off. Whatever
path youchoose, never let yourself feel guilty for it. Are you a
good person? Then your baby is going to be just fine.Its
ridiculous, the second you decide to do something different than
another mother you know, they judge you and you judge themlol so I
will use this advice and tell them to fuck off! ReplyAlexisJune 12,
2012 at 2:39 pm13/06/2013 30 Practical Parenting Tips You Will
Never Learn from the Movies - Troublesome
Totswww.troublesometots.com/practical-parenting-tips/ 11/18I had
toyed with something similar too and then when I saw what Dustin
wrote I realized that he wrote what I wanted to onlysmarter and
funnier Alexis recently posted..Cry it Out When and Why?ReplyDr.
Neha KhaireDecember 2, 2012 at 11:37 pmI Totally agree with you,
its like damned if you do and damned if you dont! Till the time I
was at home 24/7 for my baby myparents didnt mind at all because it
was easy for them to just hand her over to me when she became
fussy. But wheneverduring these 7 months my HOD has asked me to
return to my Masters and he becomes agitated that I dont turn up, I
get theblame that I am too lazy to go or too disinterested to
finish what I started its infuriating every time till my husband
tells me todo what I am comfortable with! Same goes for going by
what I feel is right, every time I take my mothers advice about
thebabys sleep or feeding time, her routine gets ruined, ultimately
I have to lay down My law no matter how many egos I bruisein the
bargain! Cheers! This article is such a reliefThank you so much for
sharing Reply15. MeaganSeptember 9, 2012 at 11:00 pmBrilliant!! As
a mom of 2 boys (3 and 2months) Ive had my fair share of catching
projectile everything with my hands and have hadmore f*off moments
then I can count!!!! One thing he forgets to mention is that
everything that worked for your first child will,inevitably, fail
for your subsequent children.ReplyAlexisSeptember 14, 2012 at 4:35
pmTotally right. You think you learn a thing or two with kid #1 and
then kid #2 shows up with a totally different rule book Alexis
recently posted..The Pediatrics Cry it Out StudyReply16.
EvaSeptember 19, 2012 at 5:43 pmAmazing! im laughing out loud i
almost woke up my baby but really everything in that post is so
true!thanksReply17. LexSeptember 25, 2012 at 9:06 pmTotally agree
with the comment about Calliou sweet merciful crap that kid is
annoying. Please believe me when I say not allCanadian kids are
like that!! If I had acted like that little f**ker when I was a
kid, I would have gotten a smack (that was when it was13/06/2013 30
Practical Parenting Tips You Will Never Learn from the Movies -
Troublesome Totswww.troublesometots.com/practical-parenting-tips/
12/18still okay to discipline your child with corporal
punishment).Love the article and your web-site.Happily-None-Bratty
Canadian momReplyAlexisNovember 7, 2012 at 10:33 amMy own personal
hell is Fireman Sam (a British TV show that nobody else in the US
watches but my kids are obsessed with).The people in this town cant
barely function without Fireman Sams intervention. Not only is the
show grating but really, afterrequiring rescue 1,000 times a year,
the genetic code of the human race would be better off if Fireman
Sam stopped rescuing.These people should not be breeding!Alexis
recently posted..Weaning Baby Off the SwingReplyMelindaFebruary 23,
2013 at 4:07 pmOooo that kid Norman from Fireman Sam grates on my
nerves as much as Caillou. I cant stand his voice!Reply18.
ErinOctober 10, 2012 at 5:34 pmI have a sink full of dishes, every
toy imaginable covering every surface of my house, peas litter my
kitchen floor and I am twoseconds away from tacking sheets over
every mirror in the house, my baby decided she doesnt have to nap
now that she can sit upand CIO in her crib (is now sleeping hunched
over) and I am starving. But reading this post was the best 15
minutes of my post babylife. So thank you.ReplyAlexisNovember 7,
2012 at 10:33 amWhy are you starving when there is a veritable
feast of peas available on your kitchen floor? Reply19.
SophieOctober 13, 2012 at 7:31 pmThank you! Thank you! Thank
you!This should be mandatory reading in every maternity ward in
hospitals across the world!Reply13/06/2013 30 Practical Parenting
Tips You Will Never Learn from the Movies - Troublesome
Totswww.troublesometots.com/practical-parenting-tips/ 13/1820.
AlisonNovember 7, 2012 at 8:04 amWow! This is an extremely funny
article! Made me laugh out loud throughout the whole thing well
done dustin very funny indeed!So true, advice from everyone even
total strangers :/ and that constant feeling of worry and lack of
sleep!Alexis, your articles are a godsend though very helpful
thanks!ReplyAlexisNovember 7, 2012 at 10:34 amDustin is brilliant
right? Cheers Reply21. NatalieDecember 3, 2012 at 11:04 amThis
article is hilarious and so true!!! Every mum should read
this!Reply22. AndreaBDecember 3, 2012 at 2:20 pmIm a second time,
stay at home mom with a 3 mo and a 19 1/2 mo and just stumbled
across your site. I must say that parentingphilosophy is such a
load of crap and I love that you just put it out there. Just do it
should be all the advice given, just go aheadand figure it out. The
kid will be ok! Thank you for sharing this, I couldnt agree
more.Reply23. LisaDecember 5, 2012 at 7:28 pmSorry, but anyone who
says colic isa myth is someone who clearly has NOT experienced a
colicky baby. It is NOT just crying a lot. Honestly, until you
haveexperienced it, you have no fin clue!-Reply24. sonyaDecember
16, 2012 at 10:42 pmthis is a fun article and i relate to so much
of it. one thing though, hand, foot and mouth disease isnt a big
deal unless youre pregnant.exposure to the virus can cause a
miscarriage.Reply13/06/2013 30 Practical Parenting Tips You Will
Never Learn from the Movies - Troublesome
Totswww.troublesometots.com/practical-parenting-tips/ 14/1825.
MelisaDecember 19, 2012 at 7:50 amHelloThank you for an inspiring
article. Some of the parenting tips I have been following are:
celebrate achievements, trust and togethertime. I feel that those
three rules will keep the family stress away and enhance the
positivity between family members.Best RegardsMelisaMelisa recently
posted..Top 10 Essential Oils for Relaxation and Stress
ReliefReply26. BeckyJanuary 27, 2013 at 10:21 amRead this post
while holding my 7 week old baby (who of course only likes to sleep
on me or cosleep). Kept laughing out loud anddisturbing her
slumber, but I figure its ok given how much she disturbs my sleep
and will continue to do so for the foreseeable future.This was
hilarious and a nice break/read from the baby craziness. Some of
his points exaggerated or maybe he should be takingthings more
seriously, but if we cant joke and laugh about these baby days, we
may never make it. Reply27. AshtonFebruary 6, 2013 at 12:25
amHilarious, insightful, inspiring and down rightercommon sensical!
Its refreshing and a nice vacation from worrying about
SIDS,counting down to the second when I made a bottle because a
moment over sixty minutes and Ill fill my babies ever developing
andgrowing belly with deadly bacteriaand lets not forgetthe brand
and product wars. Now if youll excuse me I have anappointment with
Dr. Google.Kidding! Thank you for sharing!ReplyAlexisFebruary 18,
2013 at 5:44 pmHows that belly of bacteria coming? LOLAlexis
recently posted..5 Things I Learned from Doing Sleep
ConsultsReply28. yvetteFebruary 18, 2013 at 2:51 pmActually, SIDS
does not increase with bedsharing.13/06/2013 30 Practical Parenting
Tips You Will Never Learn from the Movies - Troublesome
Totswww.troublesometots.com/practical-parenting-tips/
15/18ReplyAlexisFebruary 18, 2013 at 5:46 pm*sigh*I try to steer
really clear of touchy subjects like this. There is compelling
evidence that people make unsafe bedsharing choicesall the time and
Ive seen this personally a LOT. I also dont think its so cool to
totally disregard the AAP on this issue. So ifyoure committed to
bedsharing I strongly recommend you get a copy of Sleeping with
Your Baby (McKenna) and doeverything he says.Alexis recently
posted..5 Things I Learned from Doing Sleep ConsultsReply29.
MaresaApril 3, 2013 at 10:10 amThis list just made my day! Ive got
a 2 month old and am in the thick of alllllll of the topics on this
site. So glad I found this for notonly help BUT comic relief as
well!Reply30. aliciaApril 5, 2013 at 7:07 pmThe best advice Ive
been given: all babies are different. They will never be/do
anything like in those stupid books. Just be his mom.Reply31.
KristenApril 6, 2013 at 2:48 pmRead this just now with my 7 week
old sleeping in my arms (because she naps terribly when I put her
down, that is if she doesntwake up immediately). I was laughing so
hard, I had tears streaming down my face! After three consecutive
bad sleep nights whilemy husband was out of town, I REALLY needed
this!By the way, your website has been a lifesaver for us, made me
more compassionate about my chronic cat napper/poor
nightsleeper/swing hater/swaddle hater. Ill be trying more of your
suggestions to see if we can improve our situation.Reply32. ayeJune
8, 2013 at 10:40 pmWow this is an awesome list and what a great
comical relief. I am also reading this while carrying my sleeping 7
wk old in the carrier.Parenting is not easy at all but you just
gotta do it and get through and appreciate it for what it is.
Alexis I love you and your site, I amso glad I found this. You are
an amazing and a very funny writer.Reply13/06/2013 30 Practical
Parenting Tips You Will Never Learn from the Movies - Troublesome
Totswww.troublesometots.com/practical-parenting-tips/
16/18Trackbacks1.Thank Goodness it's Friday {TGIF}! - Not Keeping
MumLeave a Reply Name required Mail (will not be published)
required WebsiteSubmit Comment I'm Alexis and figuring out how to
get your kids to sleep better is my secret superpower (Iwas hoping
for the ability to shoot laser beams out of my eyes but c'est la
vie). I swoon for pop culture references. I'm not nearly asfunny as
I think I am. And I believe you can never have too much wine,
cheese, or Game of Thrones.Join Thousands of Other Sleep-Deprived
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