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13/06/2013 30 Practical Parenting Tips You Will Never Learn from the Movies - Troublesome Tots www.troublesometots.com/practical-parenting-tips/ 1/18 Baby Sleep Guides » Sleep Training Medical Problems Contact About Pay it Forward 30 Practical Parenting Tips You Will Never Learn from the Movies April 10, 2012 | by Alexis Dubief | featured , fun links , new mom , parenting Dustin Rowles is the senior Overlord over at Pajiba , where I spend most of my time diddling on the Internet, reading up on movies I’ll never have the childcare to go see and arguing about which Masterpiece Theater leading man is the hottest (there is only one answer to this question and it is obviously Colin Firth). He recently wrote a really great and funny piece on parenting which I would never have the courage to write myself. He also graciously allowed me to repost it here. Enjoy! I thought I would offer some words of wisdom from a Dad who really doesn’t know what the hell he’s doing half the time, but has still somehow managed to be a parent to one wonderful child for nearly five years without killing him. I also happen to be in the midst of raising newborn twins (also, still alive!), so all of this is marvelously and excruciatingly fresh to me. So, I offer for new parents these 30 Practical Parenting Tips You Will Never Learn from Movies and Television. 1. They never really discuss in movies the single most terrifying thing about raising a newborn: SIDS. Before you’re a parent, it seems ethereal, but during the first six month of your infant’s life, it’s like this all encompassing obsession. Nobody knows why it happens, but that doesn’t stop doctors from attributing it to about 4,000 different factors, all of which become insanely terrifying. The reason why parents
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13/06/2013 30 Practical Parenting Tips You Will Never Learn from the Movies - Troublesome Totswww.troublesometots.com/practical-parenting-tips/ 1/18Baby Sleep Guides Sleep TrainingMedical ProblemsContactAboutPay it Forward30 Practical Parenting Tips You Will Never Learn from theMoviesApril 10, 2012 |by Alexis Dubief|featured, fun links, new mom, parentingDustin Rowles is the senior Overlord over at Pajiba, where I spend most of my time diddling on the Internet, reading up on movies Ill neverhave the childcare to go see and arguing about which Masterpiece Theater leading man is the hottest (there is only one answer to thisquestion and it is obviously Colin Firth). He recently wrote a really great and funny piece on parenting which I would never have the courageto write myself. He also graciously allowed me to repost it here. Enjoy!I thought I would offer some words of wisdom from a Dad who really doesnt know what the hell hes doing half the time, but has stillsomehow managed to be a parent to one wonderful child for nearly five years without killing him. I also happen to be in the midst of raisingnewborn twins (also, still alive!), so all of this is marvelously and excruciatingly fresh to me.So, I offer for new parents these 30 Practical Parenting Tips You Will Never Learn from Movies and Television.1. They never really discuss in movies the single most terrifying thing about raising a newborn: SIDS. Before youre a parent, it seemsethereal, but during the first six month of your infants life, its like this all encompassing obsession. Nobody knows why it happens, but thatdoesnt stop doctors from attributing it to about 4,000 different factors, all of which become insanely terrifying. The reason why parents13/06/2013 30 Practical Parenting Tips You Will Never Learn from the Movies - Troublesome Totswww.troublesometots.com/practical-parenting-tips/ 2/18dont sleep the first six months of a childs life is because theyre waking up EVERY 15 MINUTES to make sure their baby is still alivebecause the medical profession has put the fear of God in us. YOUR BABY COULD DIE FOR NO REASON. However, if the babysleeps on its back, its risk for SIDS is halved for some reason. The rate of SIDS also increase in babies who sleep in their parents bed,which is why I think that SIDS is a vast conspiracy perpetuated by the crib industry.2. What to Expect Books are the worst. Every new parent will have a copy of What to Expect In Your First Year. You may have fivecopies, because every one will want to buy you one. Why? To scare you to death. Basically, theyre reference books. If your child gets asmall rash, you go to the book to find out what it is. The book will say something along the lines of, Your baby may be teetering on theedge of death. Consult your doctor immediately before its too late. If you dont, your BABY WILL DIE. Or it could just be a small rash,so dont worry about it. Its definitely one or the other or something else all together.Corollary: If you use the Internet to search for symptoms, Yahoo Answers will invariably show up at the top of the search engine listings.NEVER LISTEN TO THESE PEOPLE. THEY ARE CRAZY.3. There are a lot of doctors appointments during the first year. Its very unglamorous. Your baby will be measured, weighed, and givenshots on a near weekly basis. You will spend half your waking hours in doctors waiting rooms, surrounded by sick children who couldpotentially infect your child, leading to ALMOST CERTAIN DEATH according to the What to Expect books.4. The first time your baby poops, typically in the delivery room, it will be something called meconium, which is comprised of what yourbaby eats in utero. Meconium is a sticky substance that looks like it belongs in a tar pit. When my first born pooped the first time, it lookedlike someone blowing a bubble-gum bubble, only it was black and it came out of his ass. Dont worry. This is normal, but the nurses will geta kick out of your horrified face. All nurses have a macabre sense of humor and they love to make new Dads squirm. Also, if you dosomething hilariously stupid during the delivery, that story will be relayed to every new patient that nurse have for the next decade.5. Natural childbirth is beautiful, but its not beautiful. Husbands: Be aware that your wifes pelvis looks like its going to break when itopens up like the jaws of death to unleash your baby into the world. It is simultaneously sickening, terrifying, and awesome. You will neverhave more respect for your wife than after her bones shape shift to make room for a babys head. If, on the other hand, your wife is havinga C-section, DO NOT LOOK OVER THE BLANKET. Not unless you want to see what your wifes organs look like.6. To you, your newborn baby will look like the most perfect thing youve ever seen. Other people may say something along the lines of,You have a beautiful baby. I always say that, but this time, I really mean it. He doesnt really mean it. Until they fill out, newborns look likewrinkly old men, and once they do fill out, they look like Don Zimmer. You wont recognize this for a few years, not until you look back atpictures of your baby in the days after he or she was born.7. Make sure the books you read to your child are tolerable, because you will read them 1,000 times each over the course of their first fewyears. Avoid unfamiliar childrens books or books that you find on the shelves at supermarkets. They are the worst. Also, the books you oryour parents grew up with are almost certainly unsuitable now, unless you like the idea that your child will live in perpetual fear of swallowinga fly and dying.8. Movies and television often depict new parents as sleep deprived, but they dont really explain why. Theres two primary reasons: 1)You have to feed your baby every two to three hours in the first few weeks, which will mean waking up several times throughout the night.By the time you feed your baby, change its diaper, and burp it, and clean up the mess, it will be time to wake up again and begin the cycleanew, and 2) See #1: SIDS: Anxiety will keep you awake. If your baby falls asleep, thats when the anxiety is at its highest. Shes notmaking sounds. Therefore, she may be dead. So, you have to get up and tussle her around to make sure shes OK, and then she will wakeup and youll spend 15 minutes trying to get her back down, all because you were afraid she wasnt breathing. Husbands: If your wifewakes up, YOU WAKE UP. Dont be a dipshit. Misery loves company. A happy marriage is a marriage in which both spouses are equallysleep-deprived.9. It doesnt matter how much you love your significant other, or how much he or she loves you. It doesnt matter if youve never had anargument in your life. You will argue when you have a baby. You are tired. You are thin-skinned. Everything will set you off. You will assignblame to your significant other for everything, because assigning blame absolves you of it. But rest assured, whatever it was, it was yourfault.10. The one time someone actually caught this reality in the media was in the pilot episode of Up All Night, and it was perfect: You andyour significant other will have arguments about who slept less. You will be under the illusion that, if you can win that argument, you wonthave to be the one to get up and tend to the child at 4 a.m. However, this is a devils trap. You will spend more time arguing over who slept13/06/2013 30 Practical Parenting Tips You Will Never Learn from the Movies - Troublesome Totswww.troublesometots.com/practical-parenting-tips/ 3/18less than it will take to actually perform the task. Moreover, if you win the argument and are allowed to sleep 15 minutes more than yoursignificant other, you will pay for it twice over, in the tasks you will have to perform the next day because you got 15 minutes more sleepthan I did. This is a good time to remind you of #8: Misery loves company. You should both get up, that way no one ever gets the upperhand.11. Often, movies and television will depict babies pooping on their parents as comic relief. You may think this is exaggerated for comedy.It is not. Last week, a baby projectile spit-up in my face, all over my mouth. Just this morning, a baby sprayed poop all over herself, all overmy shirt, and all over the surrounding area. When you remove a diaper, ALWAYS HAVE THE NEXT ONE WAITING. If theres even amillisecond between the time that you remove a diaper and replace it with another, your baby will know. She will take advantage of thatmillisecond and squirt poop in every direction, and you will be surprised how far a baby can poop. Whatever the space between the babyand a wall is, thats how far the baby can poop.Moreover, I promise you that on more than one occasion you will use your hand to catch your childs vomit, poop, or even snotbefore it lands on the floor or the couch. Its much easier to clean up your hand than the couch.12. Nursing mothers: Youre doing Gods work. Bless you. Try not to stress about it. You may be freaked out that youre not producingenough breastmilk to keep your baby alive. That stress will cause you to produce less milk, which will cause you to stress out even more,which is an endless cycle that will end in the manual removal of every single hair follicle in your head. Dont worry about it. Your baby willnot die from starvation. IT WILL DIE OF SIDs.13. Invariably, your child will develop hand, foot and mouth disease. It sounds HORRIBLE, like something that will kill cattle. Its nothing.The palms of your childs hand and foot will develop a rash, and you will immediately think STIGMATA. Dont worry. Its a common virus.Your kid may feel lousy for a few days, but its nothing. Take pictures. Freak out your friends.14. Your kid will get sick, you will miss work, and you will be that parent that you always criticized for missing work because of a stupidchilds illness. Im sorry. Its unavoidable. Unless you have close relatives who dont work, there will be no one else to take care of yourchild. Even if its a mild fever with no other symptoms, you cannot send that child to school. Or day care. You will have to stay home. If youwork from home, youre double fucked because not only will you saddled with the responsibility, you will almost certainly also have to doyour job because society believes that people that work from home dont actually work and therefore they are free to do EVERYTHING.15. Colic is a myth, but it will feel great to blame your childs constant crying on it. Its a convenient excuse, but the reality is: Babies cry. Alot. When theyre hungry, when theyre gassy, when theyre bored, when they want you to hold them, or because its Tuesday and theyfucking feel like it, OK. Its just easier to tell other people its colic because you dont really fucking know whats wrong with the child.16. Dr. Sears? Good luck. Follow his advice at your own risk, understanding that attachment parenting is a wonderful, beautiful, gloriousthing, until that moment you need five minutes to yourself but you cant have it because your child is attached to you at the hip. Permanently.17. The Ferber Method? Thats your call, but if you decide to go that route and someone judges you for it, tell them to fuck right off. If youdecide not to go that route, you will have to wake up every half hour to put your baby back to bed.18. Cloth diapers? Good luck. Its great. Its noble. Its better for the environment. But when youre exhausted, sleep-deprived, and yourhouse has fallen into shambles, the last thing you may want to do is wash another load of shitty diapers. Its hard enough keeping up with thelaundry when your baby only has three outfits because she grows through an outfit every two weeks, and she soils all three of those outfitsevery single day. Diaper services are great, but do you really want to invite someone into your home when there are 200 shitty diapers piledin a corner hamper and you have poop in your hair?19. Stay-at-home mom? Good for you, if someone judges you, tell them to fuck off. Working mom? Good for you, if someone judges you,tell them to fuck off. Stay-at-home dad? Good for you, if someone judges you, tell them to fuck off. Whatever path you choose, never letyourself feel guilty for it. Are you a good person? Then your baby is going to be just fine.20. Related: Statistically speaking, your babys success in life is out of your control. Behavior economics shows the same thing consistently:What kind of parent you are is not as important as who you are in predicting a childs socio-economic success. There are exceptions, ofcourse, but overall, if you are affluent, your child will be affluent. If you went to college, your child will go to college. If you have a well-paying job, so will your child.21. Corollary: While how you parent isnt as important as who you are in a childs successful outcome, what kind of person is important towhat kind of person your child will be. If you are a good tipper, your child will be a good tipper. If you are an asshole, your child will be anasshole.13/06/2013 30 Practical Parenting Tips You Will Never Learn from the Movies - Troublesome Totswww.troublesometots.com/practical-parenting-tips/ 4/1822. Its never too early to line up childcare. If you plan on putting your child in daycare, put yourself on a waiting list the day you find outyou are pregnant. If you plan to put your child in preschool, sign up the week your child is born. The best preschools fill up quickly and thenyoull be stuck with that lady who has a playroom set up in her basement with a television from 1979 thats always tuned to Judge Judy.23. Your child may love rice or spaghetti. Thats great! But its messy: Only half of it ever gets into your childs mouth. The other half windsup on the floor. Wait until it dries to try and clean it up. Its much easier.24. Wait until your child goes to bed to pick up all the toys. If you try to pick up throughout the day, youll spend the entire day cleaning up.It will make you a very unhappy person.25. You may subscribe to the theory that television is awful for your child. You may decide not to let your child ever watch television. Goodfor you! But all the best intentions in the world may collapse at the prospect of an extra hour of sleep while your child watches SesameStreet. However, Calliou is Satan reincarnated as a whiny, bald Canadian brat. Avoid this show with your life.26. Children have a very literal sense of humor. Not only do they not understand irony, they may not understand the art of telling a joke.They may assign the same punchline to every joke. For instance, if you tell this joke Knock knock? Whos there? Lettuce?Lettuce who? Let us in, its cold out here! your child may end every single knock knock joke for the next six months with Let us in,its cold out here! even if it is completely nonsensical. Play along. Its adorable.27. Taking a baby or toddler onto a plane means giving up every shred of your dignity. It means becoming that person youve always hated.It may be the most miserable day of your existence. But if it means getting your child to Florida where you mother will look after him for afew hours while you enjoy a quiet meal at the only restaurant in town, Applebees, then fuck em. You wont ever see the people on thatplane again. Their misery is inconsequential in the face of the prospect of free childcare and a shitty piece of meat layered in gravy andcheese. This rule does not, however, apply to movie theaters. Dont be a douche.28. Speaking of movies: Different parents have different ideas about when is a good time to take their kid to the theater for the first time.Whenever you decide to do it, I suggest a Saturday afternoon matinee for kids films: There are a ton of kids and theyre all rowdy, so ithardly matters if your child is, too. However, keep a few things in mind: Movie theaters are dark. This may not mean anything to you, butyoung children may not want to sit in a dark room for an hour and a half, especially if theyre afraid of the dark. I also suggest arriving afterthe commercials and previews, not because the commercials are harmful to your child, but because if your kid has only ever been exposedto PBS programming, that Pepsi commercial where Drake takes a refreshing sip of Pepsi, turns into ice, and shatters may freak the shit outof your kid. Daddy, why did that guy just explode? Will I explode if I drink that?29. Dont feel obligated to sign your child up for everything, particularly if enrolling your child in a certain activity makes life more difficult foryou. If youre miserable transporting your kid around the city and watching them flop around on the floor in a tutu, that misery will bereflected in your child. If your kid doesnt want to do piano lessons, dont make the kid do piano lessons. If he bawls every time you takehim to soccer practice, take him out of soccer. A happy parent means a happy child, and vice versa.30. Dont listen to anyone. Other parents will dispense advice like candy (see: This post). Fuck em. Youll figure it out on your own.Somehow, we all do. Read the books, dont read the books. Follow whatever parenting method youd like, or no parenting method at all.Do whatever it takes to work. Theres a study that will validate everything you do, and another study to tell you what youre doing is wrong.Just fucking love the kid like youve never loved anything, and everything will turn out well.Like 3.3k Tweet Tweet 28 656 Comments1. AnaApril 10, 2012 at 11:41 pmWhen after 3 years of trying I fell pregnant I was over the moon! When I had my son I was happy! Druged up,but very happy. When13/06/2013 30 Practical Parenting Tips You Will Never Learn from the Movies - Troublesome Totswww.troublesometots.com/practical-parenting-tips/ 5/18the drugs wore off and we got home there were no little hearts and fireworks popping in my head.I had this little bunddle of scream tolook after and when I didnt feel like a sleep deprived organism I felt like a cow. And when the crying began I was thinking oh crapnot again. I felt like st and failure and then I felt like failure for feeling like failure. I soooo wanted to be a mum and I thought it comesnaturally.Bullcrap! Now, 3 months later, I absolutely adore my little man and all the things Ive learnt about being a parent Ive learntfrom him.And this site And when a total stranger in a supermarket tells me oh maybe he doesnt like to be swaddled I politelyreply since you have made this your problem its now my problem to tell you that until he is big enough to tell me what he likes anddoesnt like hell just have to put up with what I think is best for him!!!ReplyAlexisApril 13, 2012 at 3:37 pmMaybe you could just get that since you have made this your problem printed on a t-shirt which Im guessing you couldsell online and lots of people would wear the to the grocery to circumvent the stranger who jumps in with advice.-Thus sayeth the stranger who jumps in with advice;)Alexis recently posted..The Sleep Scandal of 2012Reply2. KimApril 11, 2012 at 12:45 amI love this!!! You are sort of a phenom to me Alexis!!!ReplyAlexisApril 13, 2012 at 3:38 pmWow. This is hard because I love that you think I am a phenom. However it would be uncool of me not to tell you that I didntwrite it (see the box at the top) and the person who DID is much smarter and funnier than I am Alexis recently posted..I am the Official CIO Spokesperson. Apparently.ReplyKimApril 13, 2012 at 10:22 pmYa I read that after I posted the original reply! Hehe!I still think you are all kinds of fabulous! As do the many people I have sent your site to when they are complainingabout non sleeping babies!!ReplyAlexisApril 19, 2012 at 8:28 am13/06/2013 30 Practical Parenting Tips You Will Never Learn from the Movies - Troublesome Totswww.troublesometots.com/practical-parenting-tips/ 6/18That is very kind of you Dustin is seriously funny where Im just regular funny. Course I usually write with twopreschoolers arguing about legos behind me so maybe I would be funnier if I wasnt stopping every 5 minutes torepeat,Let your brother have a turn!Alexis recently posted..The Sleep Scandal of 2012Reply3. NicoleApril 11, 2012 at 4:05 amAwesome! My thoughts exactly!I am a first time mom to a 3 month old son and its definitely not as glamorous as its made out to be.Kudos for keeping it real!ReplyAlexisApril 13, 2012 at 3:40 pmI remember taking a long shower in a sleep-deprived fugue about 2 months after giving birth, looking at what was then a wreckof a body (literally a bloody jiggly mess) and thinking that I would gladly loose all my toes if it meant I could leave the cryingand the no sleeping and just go to a hotel for just one blessedly quiet night.It gets better but no parenting a newborn is definitely not glamorous Alexis recently posted..I am the Official CIO Spokesperson. Apparently.Reply4. AmberApril 11, 2012 at 12:37 pmAwesome post! Im sharing it with my friends!ReplyAlexisApril 13, 2012 at 3:40 pmThanks for sharing Alexis recently posted..Your Nemesis, The Short NapReply5. MulchmanApril 11, 2012 at 3:19 pm13/06/2013 30 Practical Parenting Tips You Will Never Learn from the Movies - Troublesome Totswww.troublesometots.com/practical-parenting-tips/ 7/18Loved it. Spot on!ReplyAlexisApril 13, 2012 at 3:40 pmI know Dustin is the man.Alexis recently posted..Are You Ready for Cry It Out?Reply6. LauraApril 11, 2012 at 5:18 pmThis. Is. Hilarious.ReplyAlexisApril 13, 2012 at 3:41 pmYou. Are. Totally. Right.Alexis recently posted..I am the Official CIO Spokesperson. Apparently.Reply7. KristinApril 13, 2012 at 8:26 pmLove this line!!Are you a good person? Then your baby is going to be just fine.ReplyAlexisApril 19, 2012 at 8:26 amIf you are an asshole, your child will grow up to be an asshole.Alexis recently posted..30 Practical Parenting Tips You Will Never Learn from the MoviesReply8. Candice13/06/2013 30 Practical Parenting Tips You Will Never Learn from the Movies - Troublesome Totswww.troublesometots.com/practical-parenting-tips/ 8/18April 30, 2012 at 2:51 am20. Related: Statistically speaking, your babys success in life is out of your control. Behavior economics shows the same thingconsistently: What kind of parent you are is not as important as who you are in predicting a childs socio-economic success. Thereare exceptions, of course, but overall, if you are affluent, your child will be affluent. If you went to college, your child will go tocollege. If you have a well-paying job, so will your child.ReplyAlexisMay 10, 2012 at 8:16 pmWhich, if you are a well-educated affluent parent, is really good news Alexis recently posted..10 Baby Sleep QuestionsReply9. LislApril 30, 2012 at 3:25 amOmg this is hilarious and SO true! I spenta lot of time smiling at all the arrogant advice of everyone who believed they knew my babybetter than I ever could, then walking away thinking,Sod off, tosser!And that overscheduling nonsense craze going on right nowso glad to read someone talking some actual sensesorry, I am notsacrificing my sanity in order to keep my child from ever having a spare moment in his entire week. I dont care what anyone says;those ocassional lazy days of summer have a purpose, if for nothing else that when I kick him out of the house for the zillionth time hefinally makes himself engage his creativity. (Fortunately this problem is rare; typically I am begging the universe to help me locate hisoff switch.)I wonder if some of these over scheduled children, at age 25, will they be still complaining to their parents how bored they are?ReplyAlexisMay 10, 2012 at 8:19 pmMan I wish I could co-opt the phrase Sod off tosser! without having people brutally tease me for pretending to be European.But seriously? Such a great awesome profanely cool thing to tell somebody. As an American Im stuck with F off whichfrankly is mundane and leads to my kids dropping the F bomb.My kids already say sheiza which is only semi-acceptable as nobody knows what they mean.Also am with you with the scheduling. Which isnt so bad (yet) as we live in rural VT so frankly there just arent that manyover scheduling opportunities. But lots of studies show that down time is when their brains process everything (ie real learninghappens).Alexis recently posted..10 Baby Sleep QuestionsReply10. MarieApril 30, 2012 at 8:23 am13/06/2013 30 Practical Parenting Tips You Will Never Learn from the Movies - Troublesome Totswww.troublesometots.com/practical-parenting-tips/ 9/18Funny! And much of it so true. Although, #18 about cloth Diapers, I love my diaper service. The 50 cloth soiled cloth diapers thatare kept in a special container arent any worse than the batch of soiled diapers in the Diaper Genie.. Which I find still gives off anodour. A poopy diaper, cloth or disposable Is a poopy diaper.. Kind of like same sh*t different pile.ReplyAlexisMay 10, 2012 at 8:21 pmTrue diaper service makes all the difference. Also not a fan of the Diaper Genie (expensive and smelly object in your childsroom why?!?!).Alexis recently posted..10 Baby Sleep QuestionsReply11. jeniMay 18, 2012 at 12:03 amI am a first time mother to a 4-month old baby girl..It is really difficult to manage your time when you do have a baby..you feel tiredeveryday, sometimes you feel paranoid when the baby cries so often..Sometimes you get to blame your partner for not cooperating,its like honeymoon is over, and all your attention go the baby..But I believe, we can get through this in due time. You can adjust astime passes by..By the way i like your thoughts about practical parenting.they were wrote honestly and based from your experiences..jeni recently posted..Adjuster License ReciprocityReplyAlexisJune 4, 2012 at 4:56 pmOf course you get past this time! Obviously it is temporary. Or people would only ever have one baby ever I didnt writethis (I wish I did!) but was so glad to have permission to share Alexis recently posted..Cry it Out When and Why?Reply12. Wilium ShatnerMay 25, 2012 at 2:58 amWow ! I must say you are true to the core .. Your points are very true I love your blog ReplyAlexisJune 4, 2012 at 4:57 pmI wish I could take the credit for this one (Dustin Rowles wrote it) because it is awesome!Alexis recently posted..Cry it Out When and Why?13/06/2013 30 Practical Parenting Tips You Will Never Learn from the Movies - Troublesome Totswww.troublesometots.com/practical-parenting-tips/ 10/18Reply13. ErifilyMay 31, 2012 at 8:52 amBrilliant! Just brilliant!#18 My experience was kind of opposite using cloth diapers (the pocket style ones) actually saved me from laundry as I foundthem to be absolutely leak-proofI used several brands of throw aways they gave us as a promo and had to change clothes after every poopI do have diapers to wash but Im saved from all the blow-outs#30 Totally agreed I like to hear other peoples stories, but mostly as reference at the end of the day I find that following myinstinct works bestMay 10, 2012 at 8:19 pm replyReally? You are American? Your writing style gave me the erroneous impression you were English ReplyAlexisJune 4, 2012 at 4:59 pmBugger it, do I sound British? Maybe its the fact that I like to use the phrase bullocks so much Glad you had good experience with the cloth diapers. I was never brave enough to give them a go (huge upfront expensescared me off!).Alexis recently posted..Bedtime What Time?Reply14. HeatherJune 12, 2012 at 5:38 amAs the mother of an almost 3 month old, this speaks volumes to me! I love that you posted this! I was actually trying to writesomething similar, but this is wayyyy better than anything I could have come up with.My favorite one is19. Stay-at-home mom? Good for you, if someone judges you, tell them to fuck off. Working mom? Good for you, if someonejudges you, tell them to fuck off. Stay-at-home dad? Good for you, if someone judges you, tell them to fuck off. Whatever path youchoose, never let yourself feel guilty for it. Are you a good person? Then your baby is going to be just fine.Its ridiculous, the second you decide to do something different than another mother you know, they judge you and you judge themlol so I will use this advice and tell them to fuck off! ReplyAlexisJune 12, 2012 at 2:39 pm13/06/2013 30 Practical Parenting Tips You Will Never Learn from the Movies - Troublesome Totswww.troublesometots.com/practical-parenting-tips/ 11/18I had toyed with something similar too and then when I saw what Dustin wrote I realized that he wrote what I wanted to onlysmarter and funnier Alexis recently posted..Cry it Out When and Why?ReplyDr. Neha KhaireDecember 2, 2012 at 11:37 pmI Totally agree with you, its like damned if you do and damned if you dont! Till the time I was at home 24/7 for my baby myparents didnt mind at all because it was easy for them to just hand her over to me when she became fussy. But wheneverduring these 7 months my HOD has asked me to return to my Masters and he becomes agitated that I dont turn up, I get theblame that I am too lazy to go or too disinterested to finish what I started its infuriating every time till my husband tells me todo what I am comfortable with! Same goes for going by what I feel is right, every time I take my mothers advice about thebabys sleep or feeding time, her routine gets ruined, ultimately I have to lay down My law no matter how many egos I bruisein the bargain! Cheers! This article is such a reliefThank you so much for sharing Reply15. MeaganSeptember 9, 2012 at 11:00 pmBrilliant!! As a mom of 2 boys (3 and 2months) Ive had my fair share of catching projectile everything with my hands and have hadmore f*off moments then I can count!!!! One thing he forgets to mention is that everything that worked for your first child will,inevitably, fail for your subsequent children.ReplyAlexisSeptember 14, 2012 at 4:35 pmTotally right. You think you learn a thing or two with kid #1 and then kid #2 shows up with a totally different rule book Alexis recently posted..The Pediatrics Cry it Out StudyReply16. EvaSeptember 19, 2012 at 5:43 pmAmazing! im laughing out loud i almost woke up my baby but really everything in that post is so true!thanksReply17. LexSeptember 25, 2012 at 9:06 pmTotally agree with the comment about Calliou sweet merciful crap that kid is annoying. Please believe me when I say not allCanadian kids are like that!! If I had acted like that little f**ker when I was a kid, I would have gotten a smack (that was when it was13/06/2013 30 Practical Parenting Tips You Will Never Learn from the Movies - Troublesome Totswww.troublesometots.com/practical-parenting-tips/ 12/18still okay to discipline your child with corporal punishment).Love the article and your web-site.Happily-None-Bratty Canadian momReplyAlexisNovember 7, 2012 at 10:33 amMy own personal hell is Fireman Sam (a British TV show that nobody else in the US watches but my kids are obsessed with).The people in this town cant barely function without Fireman Sams intervention. Not only is the show grating but really, afterrequiring rescue 1,000 times a year, the genetic code of the human race would be better off if Fireman Sam stopped rescuing.These people should not be breeding!Alexis recently posted..Weaning Baby Off the SwingReplyMelindaFebruary 23, 2013 at 4:07 pmOooo that kid Norman from Fireman Sam grates on my nerves as much as Caillou. I cant stand his voice!Reply18. ErinOctober 10, 2012 at 5:34 pmI have a sink full of dishes, every toy imaginable covering every surface of my house, peas litter my kitchen floor and I am twoseconds away from tacking sheets over every mirror in the house, my baby decided she doesnt have to nap now that she can sit upand CIO in her crib (is now sleeping hunched over) and I am starving. But reading this post was the best 15 minutes of my post babylife. So thank you.ReplyAlexisNovember 7, 2012 at 10:33 amWhy are you starving when there is a veritable feast of peas available on your kitchen floor? Reply19. SophieOctober 13, 2012 at 7:31 pmThank you! Thank you! Thank you!This should be mandatory reading in every maternity ward in hospitals across the world!Reply13/06/2013 30 Practical Parenting Tips You Will Never Learn from the Movies - Troublesome Totswww.troublesometots.com/practical-parenting-tips/ 13/1820. AlisonNovember 7, 2012 at 8:04 amWow! This is an extremely funny article! Made me laugh out loud throughout the whole thing well done dustin very funny indeed!So true, advice from everyone even total strangers :/ and that constant feeling of worry and lack of sleep!Alexis, your articles are a godsend though very helpful thanks!ReplyAlexisNovember 7, 2012 at 10:34 amDustin is brilliant right? Cheers Reply21. NatalieDecember 3, 2012 at 11:04 amThis article is hilarious and so true!!! Every mum should read this!Reply22. AndreaBDecember 3, 2012 at 2:20 pmIm a second time, stay at home mom with a 3 mo and a 19 1/2 mo and just stumbled across your site. I must say that parentingphilosophy is such a load of crap and I love that you just put it out there. Just do it should be all the advice given, just go aheadand figure it out. The kid will be ok! Thank you for sharing this, I couldnt agree more.Reply23. LisaDecember 5, 2012 at 7:28 pmSorry, but anyone who says colic isa myth is someone who clearly has NOT experienced a colicky baby. It is NOT just crying a lot. Honestly, until you haveexperienced it, you have no fin clue!-Reply24. sonyaDecember 16, 2012 at 10:42 pmthis is a fun article and i relate to so much of it. one thing though, hand, foot and mouth disease isnt a big deal unless youre pregnant.exposure to the virus can cause a miscarriage.Reply13/06/2013 30 Practical Parenting Tips You Will Never Learn from the Movies - Troublesome Totswww.troublesometots.com/practical-parenting-tips/ 14/1825. MelisaDecember 19, 2012 at 7:50 amHelloThank you for an inspiring article. Some of the parenting tips I have been following are: celebrate achievements, trust and togethertime. I feel that those three rules will keep the family stress away and enhance the positivity between family members.Best RegardsMelisaMelisa recently posted..Top 10 Essential Oils for Relaxation and Stress ReliefReply26. BeckyJanuary 27, 2013 at 10:21 amRead this post while holding my 7 week old baby (who of course only likes to sleep on me or cosleep). Kept laughing out loud anddisturbing her slumber, but I figure its ok given how much she disturbs my sleep and will continue to do so for the foreseeable future.This was hilarious and a nice break/read from the baby craziness. Some of his points exaggerated or maybe he should be takingthings more seriously, but if we cant joke and laugh about these baby days, we may never make it. Reply27. AshtonFebruary 6, 2013 at 12:25 amHilarious, insightful, inspiring and down rightercommon sensical! Its refreshing and a nice vacation from worrying about SIDS,counting down to the second when I made a bottle because a moment over sixty minutes and Ill fill my babies ever developing andgrowing belly with deadly bacteriaand lets not forgetthe brand and product wars. Now if youll excuse me I have anappointment with Dr. Google.Kidding! Thank you for sharing!ReplyAlexisFebruary 18, 2013 at 5:44 pmHows that belly of bacteria coming? LOLAlexis recently posted..5 Things I Learned from Doing Sleep ConsultsReply28. yvetteFebruary 18, 2013 at 2:51 pmActually, SIDS does not increase with bedsharing.13/06/2013 30 Practical Parenting Tips You Will Never Learn from the Movies - Troublesome Totswww.troublesometots.com/practical-parenting-tips/ 15/18ReplyAlexisFebruary 18, 2013 at 5:46 pm*sigh*I try to steer really clear of touchy subjects like this. There is compelling evidence that people make unsafe bedsharing choicesall the time and Ive seen this personally a LOT. I also dont think its so cool to totally disregard the AAP on this issue. So ifyoure committed to bedsharing I strongly recommend you get a copy of Sleeping with Your Baby (McKenna) and doeverything he says.Alexis recently posted..5 Things I Learned from Doing Sleep ConsultsReply29. MaresaApril 3, 2013 at 10:10 amThis list just made my day! Ive got a 2 month old and am in the thick of alllllll of the topics on this site. So glad I found this for notonly help BUT comic relief as well!Reply30. aliciaApril 5, 2013 at 7:07 pmThe best advice Ive been given: all babies are different. They will never be/do anything like in those stupid books. Just be his mom.Reply31. KristenApril 6, 2013 at 2:48 pmRead this just now with my 7 week old sleeping in my arms (because she naps terribly when I put her down, that is if she doesntwake up immediately). I was laughing so hard, I had tears streaming down my face! After three consecutive bad sleep nights whilemy husband was out of town, I REALLY needed this!By the way, your website has been a lifesaver for us, made me more compassionate about my chronic cat napper/poor nightsleeper/swing hater/swaddle hater. Ill be trying more of your suggestions to see if we can improve our situation.Reply32. ayeJune 8, 2013 at 10:40 pmWow this is an awesome list and what a great comical relief. I am also reading this while carrying my sleeping 7 wk old in the carrier.Parenting is not easy at all but you just gotta do it and get through and appreciate it for what it is. Alexis I love you and your site, I amso glad I found this. You are an amazing and a very funny writer.Reply13/06/2013 30 Practical Parenting Tips You Will Never Learn from the Movies - Troublesome Totswww.troublesometots.com/practical-parenting-tips/ 16/18Trackbacks1.Thank Goodness it's Friday {TGIF}! - Not Keeping MumLeave a Reply Name required Mail (will not be published) required WebsiteSubmit Comment I'm Alexis and figuring out how to get your kids to sleep better is my secret superpower (Iwas hoping for the ability to shoot laser beams out of my eyes but c'est la vie). I swoon for pop culture references. I'm not nearly asfunny as I think I am. And I believe you can never have too much wine, cheese, or Game of Thrones.Join Thousands of Other Sleep-Deprived Parents and Get Free Updates viaEmail!Enter Your E-MailSubscribeKeep in Touch!13/06/2013 30 Practical Parenting Tips You Will Never Learn from the Movies - Troublesome Totswww.troublesometots.com/practical-parenting-tips/ 17/18Featured PostsDr. Karp Interview Part I Baby Swings and Safe SleepHow to Cry it Out: The Bedtime Edition30 Practical Parenting Tips You Will Never Learn from the MoviesThe Sleep Scandal of 2012Are You Keeping Baby Awake Too Long?Most Popular5 Things I Learned from Doing Sleep ConsultsHow to Cry it Out: The Bedtime EditionYour Nemesis, The Short NapAre You Keeping Baby Awake Too Long?Baby Sleep: What is Normal?These Might Also be Useful1.Ruining Your Kids the Old Fashioned WayLatest CommentsHolly on What You Need to Know About Sleeping Through the Night Part 3 I would love to know the answer to this as well!breezy on Weaning Baby Off the Swing I have a similar situation to "April" above, am also wondering about just the feeling of being "cudd...April on Weaning Baby Off the Swing So I have a just turned eight month old who we are trying to transition from swing to crib. 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